The Beginning of One Couples Journey

“So I have to tell ya…. when I was all horned up earlier…. I checked out that tinder site for bisexuals. 🤦‍♀️🙄” — Kate

And so started one couples journey into the world of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). Every couple who has taken this trip has an “origin story”; here’s part of ours. There are a couple things that add flavor to our beginning. That text from Kate was sent in November of 2019; she was in the Northeastern US at the time. I was a month into a couple month stint at McMurdo Station, Antartica, aka The Ice.

My name is Sam, Kate was my girlfriend at the time; we’re now married. I’m deep into my 50’s at this point, a straight-ish CIS gendered white male. To say I’m recovering from a great many things is probably an understatement. I still struggle with being overly rigid at times, progress not perfection. I spent decades in a monogamous relationship. That there was something other than monogamy wasn’t really on my radar then.

Kate is also in her 50’s, as beautiful inside and out as the day is long. She’s an exceptional human being, she has an empathy and compassion for all people that I aspire to. She’s bi-sexual, also CIS gendered and white. Kate’s connection to humanity either gave rise to or stemmed from the fact that she’s just not monogamous.

Kate and I are great together. We really are the ying to each other’s yang. Problem with ying and yang is that it’s a 2-dimensional representation using just one sense to observe it. Ying and Yang also seem monogamous to me by their very nature. They fit each other perfectly, the one completes the other. There’s nothing at all wrong with that assuming that’s how you’re wired. Kate just isn’t wired for that.

We met several years prior to my trip to the ice at a 12 step meeting. We’re still active in that fellowship today. Kate and I being sober 100% colors our experience, I’m not going to talk a whole lot about that part of us, that’s not what this story is about; nor will I hide from it. It will come up from time to time as it is germane to what’s being talked about. Last thing on this for now is that while we don’t drink or use drugs, we’re not at all against those who do, nor do we freak out when around people who do indulge. You do you, we’re cool with it.

In 2019, being in Antartica was pretty close to time traveling back to say 1998. There was email, there was cabled ethernet connectivity with a laptop. There wasn’t a cell tower on the continent. Thankfully, Signal (the messaging app) had a PC version and that enabled semi regular texting. Our dorm common area had a I think 4 or 5 ethernet connections that 30 or so of us shared. So, connectivity was there but decidedly limited. There were phone lines as well, so we talked a bit. I’d say Signal was the most used, followed by email and phone.

The day we arrived was the last time the sun kind-of got below the horizon; it was daylight the entire time I was on the ice. The time difference was +37 hours on a Tuesday and -15 on a Wednesday or something like that. I never did get time right down there. Regardless, I’d get up for a couple hours every night, from 3–5 AM maybe, and message with Kate. It was quiet and there was no competition for the prized ethernet; I don’t remember what time it would have been on the east coast, but I think late afternoon.

Kate sending that text wasn’t complete bombshell. I knew she was bi-sexual, not bi-curious, or interested in it. She’s bi. We were very open and honest with each other prior to our first date or kiss, that’s an offshoot of how we met. People who stay in that fellowship tend to get to know each other at a pretty deep level. Over time, in and out of meetings, our connection became deeper and closer.

Little by slowly, and with the assistance of a casual positioning touch from a yoga instructor, Kate’s bi side rose more and more to the surface. We discussed her trying to have a female friend with benefits while I traveled. (I traveled a LOT for work at that point, globally and for extended periods at times, in case the Antarctica thing didn’t give that away). We both agreed that a female FWB wasn’t overly threatening to our relationship and kind of left it as a possibility. Her being with guys wasn’t a thing at that point, nor was my being involved, wow did we ever change as time went on….

It’s interesting to read back over these texts and emails; I saved everything. The next couple weeks were a blur. The level of sexual energy between us was incredible, all the more so given that we were physically about as far apart as you can get. There was a pile of horny talk, just as well as the traditional new guys discussion of rules and boundaries. After some fits and starts, Kate did meet a girl. They agreed to meet and settled on the logistics of it all. I think it was the day after I got home that they met. Date night hall of fame is what we call that night now, that’s worth it’s own post down the road.

I can give her the space in our relationship for her to have that. I can give her what I can’t give her.

I realized on the ice that while I can’t be a woman lover for her, I can give her the space in our relationship for her to have that. I can give her what I can’t give her. I communicated that to Kate, and it’s been a mainstay of our relationship since. Sure, we’ve had our ebbs and flows, but that remains at the core.

Along the way, we’ve listened to our share of podcasts, read (and listened) to all of the requisite books: Polysecure, The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, Sex at Dawn, etc, etc, and met and talked with a really amazing group of people. To say we’ve learned a vast amount from the ENM community is a huge understatement. So that’s a big part of putting this out into the world; sharing our experience in the hope that it will be land in the way someone needs something to land to help them out.

As I write this, we’re kind of in the process of re-calibrating our relationship to ENM. We’ve been around long enough and experienced enough to have a sound idea of what works for us and what doesn’t. At the core of it all is our willingness to communicate and the love we share.

A couple of I guess housekeeping notes. I, Sam, will be doing the bulk of the writing and tending to Medium; that said, Kate reads and approves all of it. If you have a comment specifically for Kate, please mention that and I’ll pass it to her. For starters, we’re going to shoot for a cadence of every two weeks for getting a new post up, we’ll see how that goes.

Thanks for reading, and be kind to yourself and everyone!!