Turns out that ethical non monogamy is easier when both members of a couple are on the same page. Who knew??? How does it look when that’s not the case?

Our journey in the lifestyle has been pretty smooth. Sure, we’ve gone thru the laundry list of growing pains that couples go thru, but we’ve not come across anything major. I suspect part of the reason for this is that the lifestyle has been in our relationship since before we got married. It’s part of us, not an add on. Another big piece is that we’re both a little older, and hopefully a little wiser after previous marriages; we know what we want. The bow wrapping those two factors up is without a doubt our sobriety. We’ve each had our rectal cranial inversions reversed by the process of getting sober, that’s no small thing.

One of the significant challenges we’ve faced is simply living where we do. Kate and I live in central PA, kind of on the edge of flyover country. We can be in Allentown, Harrisburg, or Scranton in about 90 minutes, give or take. The town we live in has a population in the triple digits. Suffice to say, the population density in our area is pretty low. Fewer people means fewer ethically non monogamous people.

Speaking of population density and it’s issues, here’s a brief sidebar about the intersection of politics and the lifestyle. We do live in a very dark red neck of the woods. Kate and I both treat politics as we do the lifestyle: you do you and if we’re in sync, we’ll see where it goes, no judgment from us. We prefer the same from people we spend time with. We’re not likely to get along all that well with people who are militant and rigid, particularly if it’s worn on their sleeve. This further reduces the available pool of local lifestyle folks. We both love a lively conversation and really miss the days when you could disagree about a topic and it not turn into a shitshow. Enough on politics.

Last summer we met John and Beth. They’re a couple that are within a year or two of us, are also empty nesters, and live fairly close by. They don’t wear much (if anything) on their sleeves. They messaged us on Kasidie and we didn’t notice for something like 10 days. Nothing against the platform, it’s just not as big here as it is out west, and I don’t log on all that much. Anyway……We got together and had a couple dinners over a month or so and a four way connection started growing.

Our new friends were also new to the lifestyle. At this point they had been around for a year or so and had soft swapped. Kate and I are really relaxed, go with the flow people, and we had zero issue meeting them where they were. Our first play date was soft swap, and holy fucking moly was it a HOT time!!! Not too long after that, they let us know they wanted us to be their first full swap. We were beyond flattered and apricated the level of trust and intimacy that was offered.

Here’s where Kate and I started to go on separate pages. Beth and I turned out to have a really potent sexual connection. Did I mention it was really potent? We connected and flowed at a pretty intimate and natural level. I really enjoy her, sexually and as a person. Kate and John got along just fine, but not quite as intense it seemed.

In case you haven’t read our origin story, here’s the Cliff notes version as it pertains to this. Kate is the driving force behind us being in the lifestyle. When we started out, the intent was for her to have some quality time with another woman. There was no conversation about her playing with guys, us playing with a couple, or anything to do with me. Kate + a girl was it. That started evolving quickly. I discovered that my capacity and desire to give Kate space and sexual autonomy was bigger than I thought; Kate didn’t find much to argue about with that part either. Along the way, she discovered that she liked traditional swinging and didn’t have issue with my direct involvement in that. I now have the freedom to play separately as well, but it’s not something I’m overly interested in or have pursued.

Part of the connection Beth and I had was we each preferred to lay around and snuggle after play. This is something that has bugged Kate in the past with other couples that we’ve played with. Kate is one to bounce up and see what’s next, she’s the energizer bunny in that regard. Turned out that Kate isn’t a fan of my laying around after sex snuggling with another woman.

Again, this wasn’t a plot twist. With some previous couples, particularly if we played a second or more time, she experienced a toxic mix of jealous, anger, and a sense of her not being enough. This triggers memories and feelings from back in the days where she just wasn’t as healthy as now. This results in her becoming pissed at me, hate is a word that has popped up. Not a good place. Given that Beth and I had the connection we did, this was really an acute thing for Kate.

Since we’ve first seen this pop up, Kate has done the work. We’ve talked, listened, and read together. She’s got no problem with me having sex with other women, it’s the non sexual intimacy that is a threat to her.

We’ve landed on a couple places with this.

First of all, having a relationship with Beth isn’t a burning desire of mine. I like her, she’s a great person, and my life is richer for knowing her. At the end of the day, I’m not like Kate. I don’t have her humanity and sexual capacities or needs for connection. Kate, at her core is fed by her connecting with other people. I’m fed at my core by giving her the space for her to be her. We’re not in conflict, it’s not a me give and her take situation, we each get from the other what we need. It’s a beautiful thing. Kate is more than willing to keep doing the work, I’m not asking her to tho. My sexual and intimacy needs are met by Kate, any swinging where I play is a bonus. We have had a great time swinging, and I expect we’ll continue to do so.

The other big realization here, and it’s been entering more and more into my headspace for a while, is that we don’t have to like, want or need the same things from the lifestyle in order to be “successful” at it. We’re a team, a unit. Part of this is also the knowledge that if either of us want’s something, all we have to do is ask. Kate doesn’t have the wiring that I do, nor I hers. Kate spending the night with a boyfriend fills me up; me snuggling a swing partner hurts Kate.

It took years to identify what for me is the insanity of the first drink. I spent years telling myself I’d stop after the first couple, never managing to pull that off, ending up drunk and hungover, mad at myself and wondering what happened. I kept doing the same thing and expecting different results; if I pick up the first drink, I’m off to the races. Sanity for me was restored when I stopped taking the first drink. Insanity for us as a couple is me having more than the most casual of swing encounters. We’ve tried multiple times, my being more involved and intimate with a partner, and the results are the same. We’re going to stop beating our heads against that wall. We’ve figured out what works for us and are content with that.

Kate has read this for the first time. She had me make one change; from triggers to hurts. She asked me as we were getting into bed if I thought she was insecure with respect to this. I think that’s her question to answer. From my (decidedly not objective at all) point of view, no. This is one pretty doggone minor thing in a life that kind of defines the opposite of insecure.

What has reliably worked for us when issues pop up is a pretty standard menu. Patient and loving communication, acceptance of the reality of the situation (that can be a challenge in and of itself) and a willingness to compromise. Of course, we’ll re-evaluate as time and situations pass, what’s the right answer for us today could well evolve.

Thanks for reading, and be kind to yourself and everyone!!