What Does Being On The Same Page Look Like? How Did We Get Here?

Kate and I are are in Vegas this week, family stuff, no sluttery. While out here, our last post “Our Biggest Issue in the Lifestyle…so far” gained a bit of traction in the Medium community. We really appreciate all of the comments and are grateful for all of the interest! The comments on that post steered our conversation to how we got to the place we’re at in the lifestyle, and how it could be taken as something it isn’t. Also, it made clear that some people reading this aren’t non-monogamous (too juicy a possible double negative to pass by). So, here’s a deeper dive into our relationship, and some of our thinking about non-monogamy as a whole.

Neither Kate nor I have been poster children for faithful monogamy in the past. For me, and I’m gonna play the shitty guy card here, my cheating was mostly just because. Kate is different. Sure, she had some of that, but she also had and has something deeper. I guess the closest thing to accurate would be that being non monogamous is an orientation for her. It’s not something she chose or chooses, it’s who she is. I suspect there’s a pheromone thing here too, but I’m too ignorant to say more than it’s a suspicion.

People, regardless of gender or body parts, are drawn to Kate, and she to them. She has a way of evening the playing field, coming to where that person is, that’s absolutely engaging. She doesn’t look down on anyone or feel intimidated by lofty people. She’s been called “Swinger Jesus” because she loves everyone. She’s sharp as a tack and flirty as hell, can turn on the Emily Post when needed, and the authenticity oozes off of her.

I’m not that way. It’s safe to say that I’m more on the introverted side of things. Sure, I’m fully capable of functioning at every bit as high a level as Kate, but it’s not organic for me, it’s learned. A room full of strangers lights her up; not something I dread nor is it a forte of mine. If I need to be restored or refueled, a quiet place wins for me; bring the people on for Kate.

Part of the work Kate had to do (more on work in a bit) on our ENM journey was getting to the point where she knew I was OK with her being with other people. The monogamy culture is ingrained, and the cultural conditioning runs deep. For her to go from running around in the shadows to being in the light and all the way open and honest with me was no small thing. It’s a transition that took a lot of uncomfortable, honest communication. Growing the trust that I wasn’t going to flip shit on her when she came home after spending time with a lover was no small thing. Remember Pink’s sentence in “The Wall”?? Being exposed before your peers can be pretty horrifying.

(If you’re of a generation that’s not familiar with Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” album, please, stop what you’re doing, go to a quiet place for 90 minutes or so with some headphones and listen to it)

I remember when I was young, like maybe 10 or so, us kids were out playing (Google if you don’t understand that, neighborhood kids out and playing) and one of the older girls who was gorgeous, got bossy with me. I think we were playing cops and robbers or something similar. Either way, much like knowing that SHE made me feel kind of funny in ways that her brothers didn’t, being bossed by her had the same impact.

I skewed to the sexually submissive side with women from that point on. In a lot of ways, it’s more old school chivalrous than what PornHub would pass as submissiveness. I’m very respectful of and differential to women. Me engaging in overly aggressive “alpha” male behavior feels rude and it’s not how I roll. Interestingly, the low point of my drinking career, my “bottom” was when I saw myself in the mirror after being abusive to my then wife and our daughter when I was blind drunk one night. Thankfully, my ex insists that I didn’t get physical with either of them; the holes I put in the drywall that night spoke to how close a thing that was.

The submissive tendency in me didn’t really materialize beyond tastes in porn until Kate and I got together. Her sexual capacity turned out to be a remarkably good match for me and my headspace. I found it to be a HUGE turn on when she was with other people. Of course, here’s where I had to start doing work.

It’s more or less a truism that a hard dick doesn’t lie. It doesn’t tell the whole truth either. I’m sure there’s a guy or 2 out there who can tell a story about how a hardon took them into a situation they later regretted. Been there, done that. For us, there’s not an interest in any kind of power exchange or dom / sub type of relationship. We tried the cuckolding part of the lifestyle on, on the surface it seemed like a pretty good fit. While there were (and are) elements of it that turn us both on, it turned out to to not work that well for us.

Far as jealously goes, turns out that it’s no more difficult or scary a thing to deal with than any other emotion. Yes, it can feel bigger, and the tendency for doomsday scenarios to bubble up are there. Give it voice and communicate. I remember being in SFO airport, coming home from I think Taiwan, and Kate had a date that night with a couple. This was the first time a guy entered the picture. I about melted down, had just about a full-blown jealousy induced panic attack. Given my introverted side, this happening in one of the worlds gateways was extra hellish. I called and talked to Kate, sat down and read the jealousy chapter in “More Than Two” (God bless Kindle). The wave passed, I didn’t die, and Kate had a great time with her lovers.

Non monogamy is many things to many people. From what we’ve seen, the nuance in how it fits together for a given couple is fairly unique for that couple. Sure, you could make the same argument for monogamy. Monogamy has the “advantage” in this context of being the “norm” and has a baseline of expected traits and behaviors for a relationship. One couple, faithful to each other till death do they part. Divorce and infidelity rates expose bare what a crock of shit monogamy is as a social construct. Monogamy is 100% fine and AOK if that’s how you and your partner want to live. Just because the “norm” says it’s the one right and true way doesn’t mean it is.

Doing anything in the lifestyle; ENM / CNM, swinging, poly, whatever, is not mainstream….yet. I’d guess that most people have a broad strokes level understanding of the basic mechanics. I’d further guess that a majority of folks have had direct experience with being cheated on or doing the cheating. Maybe both. So, if the physical part is the same, IE fuck other people, why is one horribly toxic and destructive, and the other is (so far as I can tell) one of the biggest secrets to a contented and satisfied relationship?

Our experience has been that there’s a couple reasons our ENM / CNM journey has been as good for us as it has. First, and this will be a bit of a shock to anyone who’s investigated ENM in any way….we communicate. We communicate early, well, openly and often. We give time and space for things to process, we don’t expect an answer or resolution to a situation in 10 minutes. We’re each comfortable with getting uncomfortable with each other, “Uncomfortable Island” we call it. It’s a skill that can be grown, and we’ve grown it both in and out of the lifestyle.

Another commonsense part but it’s a biggie, is that we both like, want, and enjoy the ENM way of life. It brings to each of us fulfillment and contentment in different ways. Neither of us have been brought along kicking and screaming.

The third thing would be the willingness to do the work. Willingness to read, talk and listen, willingness to be wrong, and accept that this is an unpredictable ride. It’s also knowing (and this came after time) that each situation is different. The work that has been done in the past may be a great base layer, but each situation is different and will land in the way it does. ENM work isn’t a static one and done thing, it’s an infinite spectrum and opportunities to do the work will pop up in unexpected ways.

Finally, we’re figuring out that doing the work tends to have the best outcome when it’s aligned with who we are and what we want. This is in the same ballpark as the second thing, but it’s writhing the context of living an ENM life. Kate doing any amount of work to become monogamous just isn’t going to, well, work. It’s not who she is.

We’re certainly not experts in all of this but do have a few years of navigating this amazing lifestyle together. Is there a topic you’d like to see us address? Hit us up in the comments!!! I think next episode we’ll talk about a fantastic lifestyle trip we took to Puerto Vallarta last year….

Thanks for reading, be kind to yourself and others!!!

Sam & Kate