We’ve made no bones about the fact that Kate and I are both long term sober, and that we met at a meeting. We’ve discovered that there’s a surprising amount of commonality between being sober and being ethically non-monogamous (ENM). Well, at least if you’re interested in doing either successfully. The first big point of commonality is the ability to tolerate being uncomfortable.

We’ve had a family member staying with us for a couple weeks. This person is in the fight of their life with the bottle. Multiple rehabs, multiple DUI’s, taking seizures, they’re a mess. They left rehab number 5 a couple weeks ago and came to live with us. While here, this person heard good stuff, both from Kate and I, as well as our sober network and several meetings. As of this writing, we don’t know where this person is. They’re not where they said they’d be, they’re not returning phone calls or texts. This has been going on for 2 days now. If you’ve been down this road (and honestly, even if you haven’t) ya kinda know what’s going on.

Getting sober isn’t much fun. I’ve yet to talk to someone who said “Wow, that first month or so was amazing, I wish I could do it again”. Of course, it’s far from uncommon for people to have multiple first months.

Typically, when someone discovers they need to get sober, they’re not riding a winning streak. The wheels have fallen off, life has turned into a flaming shitshow. If you’re not at your lowest point, it’s likely very close. That’s what showing up to get sober looks like. For me, and a lot of people, the bottle was my sole coping mechanism. So, your life’s a shitshow, you’re at the bottom, you’re going thru withdrawal, and you don’t have the bottle to lean on. It’s an understatement to say it’s uncomfortable.

The family member who was living with us choose the immediate term comfort of the bottle. It’s not going to go well; all of their problems are now worse than they were a week ago. But they were comfortable for a moment. Oblivion for a moment. As it happens, after 2 day’s this person re-appeared, drunk but alive.

(The 10 day or so later update on this family member is that they’re doing ok. They’ve not drank since. They want to come back to live with us, and they’re welcome to, provided conditions are met. Kate and I have had serveral zero bullshit conversations with this person. A corner may have been turned. This person is demonstrating a tolerance for discomfort that we’ve not seen before. If you pray, please do so for them.)

(The couple months down the road update is that the family member has lost several things, including their job, and has spent more time in the hospital. They’ve put together about a month and a half sober as of right now. If you pray, please pray for them)

If Kate and I prioritized our comfort, we’d not be sober. We’d likely never have met. If we had, we’d only ever have had sex with each other. Well, bullshit. We’d have cheated for sure by now. How comfortable would that be in the long run?

There’s an imbalance I guess in how Kate and I do ENM / poly / the lifestyle / swinging / whatever you want to call it. While I do swing and play, Kate has several people and couples that she plays with solo; Hotwifing is our primary dynamic. (If you don’t know, Hotwife is an ENM dynamic in which the wife has autonomy over who she has sex with, typically with her husband’s enthusiastic consent) Kate has a good bit more sex with more people than I do. We’re comfortable with how this dynamic works…. for us, it just fits. That said, getting here wasn’t a particularly comfortable process.

A couple of background points. First, I’m adopted. Abandonment issues have been a big thing for me over the years. I wouldn’t say I’m past them, more I’m aware of them, can recognize, process and deal with them. Second, before we started in the lifestyle, Kate and I went thru a significant relationship issue that stemmed from Kate having inappropriate contact with other guys. Nothing physical, but very flirtatious, and 100% in the shadows. We spent our first Valentine’s Day as a couple at a Sex Addicts Anonymous (SA) meeting. Can’t make that shit up. Turned out that while SA is a great fit for some, it wasn’t for Kate or us.

So how does a guy with lifelong abandonment issues get to the point where he kisses his wife, pats her on the ass, and watches her go to spend the night with another man? How does a woman who spent decades meeting her non-monogamous needs in the shadows and running around transition to openness and sunshine? Can this be done??

Yes, it can be done, and the recipe is one people tend to not care for because it’s pretty fucking far from comfortable. Not surprisingly, it’s got many of the same ingredients needed for getting sober. Honestly, communication, a desire for the thing (you’ve got to want it) and the willingness to be uncomfortable as well as to do the work.

Communication is a word tossed around in lifestyle circles so frequently that it borders on being cliche or a meme. I’d say communication in and of itself isn’t enough. For Kate and me it took getting down to some very vulnerable spots. Communicating what we want; from life, ourselves, each other, our relationship. Next, we talk about it all, and get rigorously honest about what works, what could work and what doesn’t work. We find ind the middle ground. Communication and cmopromise.

This isn’t an overnight process. We’ve been in the lifestyle for more than 4 years, and I’d guess we’re just now landing in the area that works the best for us.

I smashed my phone against a wall one-night, New Years Eve 2022. We were out to dinner with another swing couple; the wife ended up sloppy drunk and that’s a hard no for Kate and I. That got a little weird. Also, Kate got a text at dinner from a guy she was making arrangements to see. I knew about that part; didn’t know she was texting him, which was against the rules. That didn’t land well at all with me. So, an awkward already on edge evening made worse by my feeling less than and left out; abandoned. We got home and got into what was probably our biggest fight before or since. Last thing I’ll say about that night is thank God for Apple Care Plus.

Over the next couple days, Kate and I did what we’ve learned to do; we got uncomfortable. We were honest with each other and communicated our fears. We eventually landed on something that’s worked for us since. Space for Kate to do her thing, while keeping me in the loop. Me being less rigid and letting go of rules. We have arrangements and agreements now, much more flowing and less rigid than rules. Kate had to break free of a lifetime of learned sneaking around behavior, I came to realize that there’s really not any security in rules. We both had to learn to next level trust each other. We both had to get waaaay out of our comfort zones. Kind of a postscript to this little tale…Kate still plays with the guy she was texting and his wife. I don’t play with them, but we all go out to eat every now and then, I’ve met their kid and played with their dogs. They’re awesome salt of the earth people. This would be Chuck and Sophia, I introduced them in the Hotwife Part 1 post.

All this is to say that you’ve got to want it and be willing to do whatever work is necessary. I woke up the morning after what I truly hope was my last drunk, saw myself in the mirror, and recognized what I had become. I had no idea in that moment how I was going to do it, but I knew I couldn’t drink any more. At that point I wanted more to be not drunk than to be sober. I didn’t have much of a clue what being sober meant, but if it meant not being drunk, I wanted it. I was willing then, and now, to do what needed to be done; I was willing to be uncomfortable. Assuming I make it, next month will be 10 years sober for me.

I want to be with Kate, and her with me. We’ve done and continue to do the work with both our recovery and our lifestyle adventures. Sure, it’s gotten easier over time, but we’re human. We come at it from a position of love and wanting what’s best for each other. It’s a process, not a destination.

Thanks for reading, be kind to yourself and everyone!!

Sam & Kate