Is three really company?

Kate and I have been having an ongoing conversation with a guy we’re going to meet and play with this weekend. His name is Michael, he’s a player for sure, some would call him a bull, although he hasn’t used that label himself. This dynamic, a threesome with two men and a woman, also know as MFM or mfm has been a part of our Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) journey since the beginning. We’ve had some amazing experiences with this dynamic. Our biggest disappointments in the lifestyle have also been in the MFM arena.

So, for those keeping score, here’s what Kate and I are into and what we have experience with:

– MFM

– Traditional swinging

– Solo Hotwife play

– Cuckold

– Kate as a Unicorn

There are varying degrees of dabbling into polyamory mixed in with most of those. If you’re a woman looking to join a couple, please, say hello……

A couple of things to touch on with respect to MFM’s; single guys in the lifestyle and guys having bi play.

Single guys in the lifestyle have at the same time been shit on and given a bum rap. Any couple or single female on a lifestyle site knows what the pack of single guys is like. It can be REALLY off-putting. Face to face isn’t as bad, internet armor being what it is. I don’t want to get too down that rabbit hole, I’m planning on writing about single guys and girls in the lifestyle as a stand alone post down the road. Suffice to say, guys, if you’re going on a site, please do us all a favor and whack off BEFORE logging on. Thank you, signed The Internet.

We’ve been ghosted a few times over the years; each time by a single guy. That sucks but is part of the landscape unfortunately. Defiantly a thing, it’s more common than you might think. I’d guess it stems from the internet armor and lacking the stones to follow thru in reality. The harder you lean into cuckolding the more this seems likely this is to happen. I guess there’s an element of intimidation there that goes along with the turn on. It’s always kind of cracked me up in a way. Here’s a beautiful sexy woman who WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. You talk for a period, say you’re on your way and just flat-out ghost.

We’ve met some truly amazing people who happen to be single guys in the lifestyle. Salt of the earth, fundamentally decent, sit on the front porch and talk for hours kind of people. Typically, these guys are as big a fan of strong sexually empowered women as I am. They get and understand the dynamic at play. Surprise, these are the people with whom Kate has great sex.

Kate has had an uneven experience with guys who are part of a couple. In plain terms, the sex tends to not be as good for her. This is far from universal, but it’s an unmistakable pattern. I’ve mentioned this before and encourage ANY guy in the lifestyle space to visit his doctor and if it’s feasible for him, get one of the pills. Swinger insurance, I don’t leave home without them. Solo guys have typically been much better with and for Kate.

Michael, our date this weekend, has shared an interesting observation with us about this. He’s got a much broader base of experience that Kate and I do and spends the time getting to know couples. He’s seen that if a couple engages in MFM play, the husband is typically a better lover in the swinging arena. Absolutely one of the more interesting observations I’ve heard in the lifestyle. I’m not sure why this would be the case, confidence would seem to be a factor. Ditto compersion. There’s a good bit to ponder here for an overthinker like me, I’ll hopefully remember to circle back to this point over time.

Michael has the traits that seem to be common in “successful” single lifestyle guys. He’s patient. He’s experienced. He knows to not behave as if this is not the first time he’s ever talked to a girl. Confidence plays in here as well. Not arrogant or cocky, confident. He asks questions and has more to say that a word or two at a time. He builds a relationship.

Guy bi play is probably the single biggest taboo in the broader swinging / lifestyle context. I’m not 100% sure but my sense is that the deeper into polyamory you go, the less of a thing it becomes. From what I’ve seen, it’s also very closeted. It’s kind of the defacto way of the world that an online profile lists the female as bi and the male as straight. Heteroflexable or situationally bi are more accurate for the guys it seems. Certainly not all, but I’d guess a majority.

I go back and forth with it, at least with site profiles. I’ve found listing that I’m bi or bi curious shuts down interest from a huge percentage of couples. Well, from guys. And here’s a PSA for anyone who’s not sure, if you’re talking with a couple on a lifestyle site, 95% of the time it’s the male half. I’m convinced that if that percentage were switched, if women were the 95%, the vast majority of couples profiles would list the guy as at least bi curious. Chicks, as some of us surely will remember, do dig the long ball, they also dig guy bi play.

I’m certainly not afraid of a cock, they don’t bite. I don’t look for guys to have solo play with, not my thing. In an MFM, I have no issue with oral play, giving or receiving. That seems to be fairly common. Kissing or snuggling is a nonstarter for me, again, that’s also decidedly common.

I like it, it’s a HUGE turn on for Kate, and I’ve yet to experience anyone leaving in disgust over a Sam & Kate double blowjob. Anyway…..

We’ve made mention of several books and podcasts, various resources that have helped us on our journey. Here’s a couple of the biggies:

First is “Sex At Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. It’s not a perfect read, the authors are clearly making a case. The chief case being that we’ve been sold a bill of goods about women and their sexuality. Like, forever. There’s much cultural conditioning that called to task in this book, and I think they nail it.

As such, If you disagree or are very religious and not open to thoughts beyond the dictates of whichever church you belong to, you’ll probably not be a fan. I’m not a research or academic anything, what I have done is observed humanity from my own perspective for a getting to be a pretty long time now. The conclusions that the book draws, and the points that are made, in broad strokes make sense to me and reflect my lived experience. It gave voice to things that I felt, not had never expressed. I think the book rings true. I found this to be a much easier listen than read the first time thru.

The second book is kind of the poly / lifestyle 101; it’s our Rosetta Stone. Sooooo much of what I’ve learned about this type of relationship stems from and is grown from this book, it’s the bible. “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. This is also a great listen; the Audible version is narrated by Dossie and Janet; I always love it when authors narrate their books. This is a fantastic seed planting book that doubles as step-by-step guide and ready reference. Seriously, if you’ve ever read of listened to anything about ENM, poly, or the lifestyle, I’d bet a buck that a debt is owed to this book. It’s the bedrock.

That’s about it for this go round. As always, thanks for reading, and be kind to yourself and everyone!!

Sam & Kate