Meeting Likeminded People Isn’t as Scary or Difficult as You Might Think.

I moved in with Kate shortly after returning from from a work trip to Iceland. This was in March of 2020. I flew out of Keflavik on Friday, March 13th. This was basically the day the world ended. Well, kinda. So I get home, get thru the quarantine period, and yada yada yada, I move in with Kate. And 5 other women. We’ll have more to say about that down the road….

As it happens, Kate and I like to kiss. One particular kiss was on the front stoop / porch of the house. Lisa, a friend of Kate’s for years, saw this kiss. A little while later she texted Kate, who was well aware that Lisa was a lesbian. Lisa said she saw Kate kissing someone earlier. “Boy or a Girl?” was Kates response. Subtle, in the most flirty and inviting way as it turned out.

From what we’ve seen, and in our kind of off the beaten path area, there’s 3 ways to meet lifestyle / swinger / non-monogamous people. Organically, non-organically, or hybrid. Organic would be in the wild, not looking for it specifically sort of thing. If someone is met via direct contact on an app or dating site, that’s what we consider non-organic. Hybrid (surprise) is a mix of the two. These are our terms; should you have a better or different phrases please post in the comments!!!

Bit of a sidenote at this point, but it’s germane. Kate has bigger stones than any 10 guys combined. I have no idea where she hides them (believe me, I’ve looked). Her and I are together because she had the balls to hit the send button on a text at one point (another story to tell for sure). I mention this because at some point meeting people is likely to require you finding your own stones and having the courage to initiate contact. That’s a HARD thing for a lot of people to do. I’m not very good at it but am better at it now. The Lifestyle has helped me.

ORGANIC

Kate and Lisa met organically. There was no outside influence, no mingling at a club or swiping thru profiles, they met as people meet most of the people they meet. In their case, they had known each-other for years, and would be hard pressed to remember their first meeting.

I met a woman at work and her and I had developed a friendly relationship over a year or so. Due to a workspace change, our paths would no longer be crossing. After talking it over with Kate, I decided on the last time I saw her to offer my phone number. She was thrilled and gave me hers. I told her straight away that I was in an ENM relationship, and that Kate knew about her and that we were talking. She was intrigued, and we started a dialog. As it turned out, I felt compelled to step back as it became clear that she wasn’t looking for anything in the ENM arena. This was also organic.

NON ORGANIC

Last weekend Kate and I had 2 dates. First was a dinner only thing with a couple in the lifestyle, second was a play date with a single guy. Two very different dynamics, three amazing people. All met non-organically. The couple reached out to us on one site; we reached out to the guy on another. For the record, both dates were GREAT.

I haven’t kept track, but I’m sure we’ve met less than 10% of the people we’ve talked to online over the years. Of the face-to-face meetings, I’d guess a little less than half have led to play. Typically, non-organic meets seem to be small scale, a pair of couples, or a threesome. The meeting will usually be at a bar, restaurant, or coffee shop. Sometimes this is a pro forma first face to face before play, other times it’s part of an ongoing process. There’s no hard and fast rules.

HYBRID

Kate met her boyfriend, James, at a house party last summer. We connected with the hosts of the party on a site; as did James. So, James is a hybrid. Him and Kate connecting happened organically in an environment that we were in because of a separate connection from a site. I get this is subtle, and probably scratching an overthinking itch in my (Sam’s) brain. Still……

Additionally, we’ve played with several couples at various events and takeovers. All of which strike me as hybrid. Again, subtle and overthinking.

Couple of important points that apply to all meeting styles. First is honest and open communication. It’s no fun to be naked and figure our you’re a condom couple and they’re not. Also, use your judgment and know the room. Bringing up say anal play is fine if you’re all figuring to be naked in a half hour and setting ground rules, probably a bit overkill at the coffeeshop on the first date. Never mind an organic encounter with a co-worker.

Consent is another point to factor in. I always make it a point to ask specifically before doing a thing or touching someone. I think consent is of particular importance the first time playing with an individual or couple. With people I’ve played with before, I make a point of asking how they’re doing, are there any issues or concerns they have about anything.

The Sites

Meeting people on the sites can be an adventure. Well, more to the point, the sites can be an adventure. Maybe we’ll do a separate post on the ins and outs of the sites we’ve been on; If you’d like that, please drop a comment or email. That said, here’s a high level break down:

– Polyamorydate.com / AFF. The most wild Wild West of the sites. Be prepared to see a LOT of dick pics. I guess it’s the most lowbrow of the sites.

– Swinglifestyle.com AKA SLS. The defacto standard for where we live. The interface is dated, but if you’re in the Northeast, this is the site you want.

– Kasidie.com. Not a regular site we use. It seems to be more popular in the western states. Our dinner date couple from last week was a Kaside connection.

– SDC.com. If there’s a universal site, this is it. It’s usable in any region we’ve tried. We’ve met and played with people overseas via SDC. Far as we can tell, it’s the only real game in town for overseas contacts.

On all the sites, if you’re interested in actually meeting people, pay to play is your best bet. I think you can get a 30 day membership on most sites for maybe $30. If you’re interested in using the “swinger” sites, the money is worth it.

Pictures matter. Follow the rules of the site for what’s ok for a profile picture, and what should be put in a private gallery. I think a good rule of thumb should be don’t show your junk in a profile pic. No holds barred in a private gallery, of course, in line with the site rules. If your pics are low res and taken 15 years ago with a Blackberry, don’t use them. If you do have a favorite pic that’s not high quality, have some in a gallery. Be current, be recognizable from across a restaurant. For public / profile pics, don’t worry about clear face shots, but have some in your private gallery.

Take the time to write a profile. Fill out what’s asked for to be filled out. Don’t write “War and Peace” and don’t write “fun” to describe what you’re looking for. Brief and to the point. Below is ours from one of the sites.

Some folks are looking for instant sex and will play at the drop of a hat. Others are looking for months of connection prior to play. We’re in the middle. We will play with people on our first face to face meeting, but that’s after a good bit, weeks typically, of texting and talking. That looks a bit different at parties and events.

Get in the ring and try a few things, you’ll figure out what works for you.

Thanks for reading!!! Please be kind to yourself, and everyone!!

Sam & Kate