More About How Kate and I Approach ENM and Hotwifing.

Kate and I share a kind of dark and offbeat humor that’s common in the world in which we met. People tend to think that folks in 12 step programs are stone faced serious and gloomy all the time. There’s an element in the rooms that is that way, but it’s not the majority. Most folks have a joy and zest for life that’s infectious, mixed with a decidedly dark sense of humor. We’re survivors of shitshows of our own making.

Last night we were sitting on the couch, Clifford the Wonder Dog between us, jabber jawing. It was loosely me interviewing her about how and why she’s the way she is. That way being a lifelong sexual, promiscuous, slutty girl and woman, and now a Hotwife. At one point, when I was asking her about her preferences, without missing a beat, she fired off this line: “Red or Yellow, black or white, they all are precious in my sight.” She delivered this in a very lyrical singing sort of way. I think it surprised her as much as me.

After regaining our composure, she explained where it came from. An old child’s bible song called “Jesus Loves the Little Children.” I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before in a post, but Kate has been labeled “Swinger Jesus” on account of her loving everyone equally. Given the label, and our penchant for offbeat humor, we found this waaaay more entertaining than it probably was.

By way of an introduction if you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

Ethical non-monogamy in general flies in the face of convention. Hotwifing even more so. It’s safe to say that most folks find a sexually empowered woman with the space to act on her empowerment one of two ways: hot as hell, or scary as hell. If you’re a breathless senator from Alabama, perhaps both.

I knew last December when I wrote Hotwifing part one, that there would be a lot for me to unpack. Re-reading it just now, that hasn’t changed. Something that I’ve noticed in my writing is that I tend to be almost confrontational; I’m working on it. Another thing I noticed is that I didn’t define what a Hotwife is. So….

Given that we’re in the Skynet phase of human existence, I Asked ChatGPT what a Hotwife is. And I quote: “A Hotwife refers to a married woman who has sexual relationships with other men, typically with the knowledge and consent of her husband. It often involves elements of exhibitionism, cuckolding, and open relationships.” I don’t disagree with much there. I would add a word though. Enthusiastic. “Typically, with the knowledge and enthusiastic consent of her husband.”

Adding enthusiastic seems to impart a positive valance to the chicanery. Kate and I wear this part of our relationship very loosely; it’s a point of joy for us. There’s nothing grudging about my consent. Sure, drama pops up from time to time and when it does, we deal with it. I’ve got another post in the works that talks about our dealing with the drama process.

“Knowledge and consent” reads like something from an Army OPORD….If you know, you know. It’s much more nuanced for us, and far less transactional. It’s an ebb and flow, an ongoing dialog, not a box to be checked.

That said, it’s the knowledge and consent that brings the ethical part of ethical non-monogamy into play. We broaden this out to Kate’s partners as well. They either need to be single or be playing with their partners knowledge and consent. We’ve bumped up against this a couple times, closely in all honesty. At the end of the day, doing the next right thing won out. It’s good karma, man!!!

I don’t have to know all the details of Kate’s adventures; we each recognize that she has a need and a right to keep some things to herself. Kate has the space to decide who she plays with, and when that happens. We deconflict schedules and make sure that each of our needs as they pertain to our relationship are met.

Kate has a track record of cheating; ours is the first relationship in which she hasn’t. This begs a couple questions. First, was Kate living her whole life non-monogamously the problem, or was the lack of communication and ethics the problem? Second, where and how does millennia of cultural and religious conditioning come in?

I maintain that Kate being non-monogamous is an orientation, not a choice. I’m sure we all know someone (male or female) who’s been slutty since 1st grade. Kate’s one. She remembers being 4 and a neighborhood boy pushing her belly button; Kate’s response was to pull down her pants. The parents were all in the other room drinking. So….should you ever cross paths with Kate, give her belly button a push!!!!

I’ve shifted my thinking on cheating since I’ve known Kate. I think that most, not all, reflects how our nature as human beings is suppressed by the various conditioning and norms that have been placed up on us; chiefly by organized religion. We’re conditioned to be dishonest and evasive, hiding our true nature. This in service of “norms” that were introduced by people trying to make sense of a scary world thousands of years ago.

I’m no scientist, but I’m unaware of anything from the world of biology or evolution that indicates we’re monogamous by nature; quite the opposite from what I’ve seen. I don’t think that books like “Sex at Dawn” are holy writ, but I believe they point in the right direction. Shit, factoring out having kids, is there anything more common in the history of marriage than people cheating? Lifelong monogamy in humans can and does happen, but it’s decidedly not the norm.

Kate felt at times like she should have been a guy. “I was a snake. I’d fuck your husband, your husband, and your boyfriend” said Kate, pointing to 3 imaginary women sitting in the room with us. “Then do your hair the next day.” Her sexual appetites were something she had to figure out on her own; she didn’t know any girls or women who were like her in this regard. So, she paid monogamy it’s lip service, and the person she is came out sideways. Add in booze and dry goods, and away we go!!!

We’ve talked about this at length for years. There’s no daddy issues or sexual trauma that color Kate and her sexuality. At her core, she’s a sexual pleaser. She gets off on you getting off. Sprinkled on top of this is the basic fact that she just likes to fuck. Her words.

Kate excels at humaning. She’s got an abundance of empathy and generosity and is universally kind. Getting sober (and being married to the right person) has given her the comfort and security she needs to be honest and open. This is what enabled her to transition from a lying cheating self-described snake to someone who’s still every bit as sexual, but now has the ethical part going for her.

There’s a flow and rhythm to a Kate date day. She seems relaxed. She’s one of those people who are always doing something or preparing to do something. Date days don’t have as much of that. She channels different energy; I’m not sure she’s all the way aware of it. It’s her, but more intentionally sensual I suppose. Less worried about things that are a distraction.

She’ll take a little longer in the shower. Once that’s finished, she’s content to be naked or with just a robe on for a longer period. We’re very touchy and affectionate on normal days, this is amplified on date days. I like to go down on her for a little bit, boost the sexual energy; she receives willingly and enjoys the time.

The clothes aren’t day to day clothes; a little dressier, a little sexier. Victorias Secret underneath if anything. Her preference is always to wear a dress, but the weather tends to put a damper on that.

She has an aura to her I suppose. I take it as freedom. Freedom to be the authentic person she is, with none of the old toxicity and ick. Well, freedom and knowing she’s gonna get (and give) it good from and with someone she cares about, and who’s additive to us.

I had a phase when on Kate date days I’d find something trivial to get pissy about. I’ve recognized that and am aware now. There may be something that still pops up, I’m human after all, but as a systemic thing, it’s past.

Kate said I think last week, a little bit before she left for and overnight with James, “sometimes I forget I’m a Hotwife.” I don’t know that I all the way ever do, but I get where she’s coming from. It’s a part of who we are as a couple. It’s part of us being ENM. It may not be for everyone, and that’s ok. Neither is monogamy.

Here’s links to some of our other Hotwife posts:

View at Medium.comView at Medium.comView at Medium.com

Thanks for reading!!! Be kind to yourself, and everyone!!

Sam & Kate