The Keystone of an Ethically Non-Monogamous Relationship.

It’s neat at this point to look back over the last few months of posts that we’ve put up here on Medium. It’s also interesting to look at the stats from those posts; it’s clear as a bell that the sluttier the post is, the better it “performs.” Sex, as they say, sells. True enough.

It’s fun to tell the story of some of our sexual adventures. One of our favorite inside / running jokes is when Kate asks what the next topic will be, I’ll fire back with “well, better get fucking and we’ll find out!!” It’s been a mix it seems, of stories from the past and stories that we’re living at the moment, well, at least the moment when the publish button is hit.

Today, we want to talk about some of the process that happens before the clothes get ripped off. I guess a decent (hopefully) analogy would be with military aircraft. For every man hour that’s spent in the air, there’s probably in the hundreds of man hours doing maintenance and preparation work. It’s unrealistic to think that whenever you want to fly your F-16, all ya gotta do is hop in and go. That may work once or twice, but it’s 100% not the recipe for a high mission readiness rate. Same with the lifestyle. There are untold hours of work that go into every hour of active physical lifestyle sluttery. It’s rarely tedious and is often a joy.

Here’s the skip over it if you already know us / introduction to us paragraph. Kate and I (Sam) are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in an AA meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you like to contact us.

Perhaps a subtle-ish point, but the above is not to say that the lifestyle is all about getting to the next time clothes are ripped off moment. Kate and I just got off the phone and I made the point (probably the millionth time one of has made this point) that the lifestyle and its processes has helped to open and broaden my mind. I’m more accepting and tolerant of well, life I suppose now. The vulnerability and openness that Kate and I share in our process absolutely helps that.

Given that neither of us are trained, licensed, certified, or in any way remotely qualified to talk about how to go about being in relationship with anyone or anything, we’re not going to. What we are experts on is our experience and how that has been shaped by our communications processes. That we can talk about.

Kate and I first and foremost LIKE each other. It’s not a struggle for us to sit and talk for a couple hours about whatever. Nor is it a struggle to sit quietly. We’re comfortable with each other and can embrace quiet time just as well.

Another big piece of the puzzle is that we BOTH WANT to live non-monogamously. Neither of us had to be coerced or talked into any of this. Sure, it’s been an evolution; where we are now is not where we started; that’s just life. I’m not “taking one for the team”, nor is Kate. Think of it like anal sex…..if you force it, you’re doing it wrong.

We came into our relationship without any pretense. Before we had even one flirty sentence pass between us, there was a rock solid, years in the making foundation of honesty and learning about each other. That’s a HUGE advantage. Our foundation was poured (pun intended) over a few years across hundreds of AA meetings. We learned of each other’s strengths and weaknesses, hopes and dreams, struggles and ways of dealing with them. We learned about each other’s humanity; good, bad and indifferent.

That base has been invaluable for us as we’ve navigated the roller coaster ride that our relationship has been. Even with that, there are times that we struggle, times that we get mad or frustrated with the other. This is where liking each other and wanting this lifestyle comes into play.

As good as our AA foundation is, we 100% do NOT recommend developing a healthy dose of alcoholism as a relationship building tool.

Regardless of if you’re open or not, poly or swingers, or whatever else, if you’re in a relationship with someone (more than one?) doing the work to build and grow that relationship is time well spent. It’s difficult to put our process into words; we don’t have a script or set of guidelines we follow. I’d say that our communication style is organic.

We’ve found that being patient is indeed a virtue, and that if going off half cocked is an option, it’s probably the wrong one. Perhaps a cousin of patience is knowing that nothing is cast in forever stone. Like most lifestyle newbies, we started off with a list of rules that was a mile long. We have a couple of agreements now, and that’s about it. It took time, steady communication, and sometimes hard experience to make that shift. There’s nothing in our relationship structure that is a line in the sand; everything is flexible.

It’s rare that we come to a decision or conclusion during the first sit down about something. That sounds wrong as I type it. It’s gotta be a pretty catastrophic event if our first go round on a given topic is during a big sit down. I get that people say to schedule time to talk, and that makes sense. You’ve got to know your relationship and do what works best for you. If a scheduled sit down works, then go for it.

Kate and I have a steady stream of conversation and it’s the norm for us to go from lifestyle stuff to Clifford’s vet appointment (which needs to happen) to planning for a bridal shower, to getting grass seed, to….you get the point.

A couple of things that we do daily to get the conversation going, well, hopefully. We’ll ask about what dreams we had overnight. Kate tends to have something she’ll remember most days, whereas I’m typically a black hole. We’re both old school rockers, and always have a song looping in our head. “What’s your soundtrack?” Is a frequent question in Casa Da Sam & Kate. Amazing how the memories associated with a song can get a day long conversation started.

The way I was taught is that there’s 3 pieces to communication. The sender, the receiver, and the medium. All three of those things need to function properly as individual things and be in sync together. If I’m talking to you right now but trying to use Facetime instead of the written word in this post, it’s not going to work. If I’m distracted by chasing Clifford The Wonder Dog up and down the mountain while you’re trying to talk to me, it’s not going to work.

When it gets to the point that we need to have a TALK talk, Kate and I will typically plant our butts on the couch with no distractions. No tv, turn notifications off on the phone. Clifford has been out, we have a bevvie with us and don’t need to get up for anything. We make ourselves our priority.

If either or both of us aren’t in a headspace that will allow a calm conversation, we’ll wait until we are. This is especially true if some sort of decision must be made. Calmer heads with peaceful headspace tend to make better decisions.

We’ve found that if either or both of us are seriously horned up, it may not be a great time to decide on something or talk about whatever. Best to deal with the hornies first.

Sometimes it’s easier to have a big talk over text when neither of us are under the same roof. Texting does struggle with nuance, but the flip side is that it can force you to perhaps be more direct about a given topic. Another advantage is time. There’s built in space with texting to take an extra breath or several and be more measured. Furthermore, given that texting has a record, and it’s simple to scroll back, it seems push us to be more specific with language, and to say what we mean more directly.

Another lesson is to wait for the right time to talk. Here’s an example from today (well, 16 April 2024):

Kate and I are going to meet a guy this weekend. It’s not clear what if anything will happen. As of now it’s a meet and greet, but with Kate being Kate, all things are possible. It was early afternoon, and I knew she was going to be headed to work shortly. So, I gave her a quick call to bounce a couple of meet spots off her. Well, her former (and future?? Time will tell) girlfriend was over at the house to get her eyebrows waxed; she also brought her dog along for a visit with Clifford. Kate answered the phone, and it was pandemonium. Lots of energy and clearly not the time to have a planning conversation. Simple enough, we talked about it later.

As always, thank you for reading, and be kind to yourself and everyone!!

Sam & Kate.