Here we go Again…..

It’s been an interesting week. One that’s likely to lead to more interesting weeks down the road.

There are a couple of reasons for this. First, Kate’s relationship with her on again off again girlfriend, Lisa, is shifting into another on phase. Second, Kate has created a solo profile on one of the dating / hook up sites.

Not a plot twist at all given these developments, but the sexual energy between Kate and I has been decidedly up over the few days. We’re typically a 2–3 times a week couple; we’re on pace to double that this week. I suspect Kate will add some sperate play time this week as well.

Here’s the skip over it if you already know us / introduction to us paragraph. Kate and I (Sam) are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in an AA meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you like to contact us.

Lisa, Kate’s intermittent girlfriend, is someone we introduced in the How We’ve Met Lifestyle People post; maybe earlier as well, I don’t remember. Kate and Lisa’s relationship is complicated at best. The sex they share keeps them each in each other’s orbit; it was the best sex Kate’s ever had for a time. It was the sexual relationship that the two of them share that convinced me that there’s just different energy with two women; adding a guy changes things, and not always to the good.

Kate describes Lisa as “sensual”; I can see that. The three of us have never played together, and probably never will; Lisa is a lesbian. We get along fine; her and I are planning a “date” to take our dogs to the park. She has two, and Clifford The Wonder Dog is friendly with both.

I don’t anticipate I’ll ever know her erotic side beyond seeing how her body moves and flows in normal day to day life. She does have a way and air about her that damn sure is sensual. She’s a little bit bigger than Kate and has a different look; her and Kate complement each other nicely.

In addition to being sensual, Lisa is nuts. She brings an element of chaos and unpredictability to the party that’s not always welcome. Kate has a steady tension balancing the erotic with the chaos. When they’re on, they’re ON; we’re in an on phase.

Kate has an impressive decisiveness streak. When she makes a decision, that’s that. She decided she’d had enough of being a small business owner, and that the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze. The salon was shuttered, and the check cashed from the sale of the building 3 months later. Over the weekend, Kate decided to get on a site, and that’s exactly what she did. Not her first rodeo as a solo girl on a site, but it’s been a minute since she’s done that.

Online dating / hook up sites are, as a class, built for someone like Kate. I don’t think anyone will argue that a good-looking woman, with a great personality, who also happens to be looking to fuck, is going to struggle to find success. Since I wrote the opening couple paragraphs, Kate has added a second coffee date this week. Again, this is not a plot twist.

Another reason the sites work so well for us is something I’ve mentioned in the past but haven’t talked about in little bit. We live if a fairly remote area. There’s no MLB or NFL teams within a couple hours of us, but 5 or 6 of each within 3–4 hours. The town we live in has a population that’s in the triple digits. There’s a corn field a minute’s leisurely walk down the road. Suffice to say, there’s not much population density. We’re not into being Coca Cola Cowboys (AA parlance for hanging around bars and not drinking booze) so the sites play a big role.

Kate had her first of two coffee dates this week earlier today. Given that the universe is not without a sense of humor, both guys are named Cliff (no relation to Clifford The Wonder Dog). Coffee with Cliff Part 1 went well, they both want to see each other again. We’ll see how the logistics go. As I understand it, Cliff number 2, or Coffee with Cliff Part II: Revenge of Cliff, has less convoluted logistics and if coffee goes well, there’s potential for a Friday night date. Time will tell. (Cliff Part II: Revenge of Cliff went well enough, but no follow up this week)

As is always the case when there’s an uptick in lifestyle energy, there’s been a lot of conversation. Loosely, this talk is about how we manage our ENM part, and how it balances with the totality of our lives. It’s not something that’s organized or intentional in and of itself, it’s just part of our flow at this point.

One big source that we used to learn and navigate all of this, is “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. We’ve recommended it before and will continue to do so. Honestly once you read and get to know it, you see and hear parts of it EVERYWHERE in the ENM world.

This, as far as I can tell, is one of the biggest reasons we as a couple are as successful as we are at this, if success is a thing that can be measured. We’re always touching base with each other, talking about stuff, and talking about it again. We’ve found that each situation is different, and despite the conversations being about basically the same things, they’re always fresh and useful.

We’ve learned to roll with it. When….not if, when…..there’s a hiccup with how either of us are doing with something, it’s not a show stopper. We’re patient with each other as we process our individual headspace. It was my turn this week. I had a minor issue with Kate 100% driving the app train. In the past, with guys, I’ve had a degree of involvement, not with this.

For whatever reason, when things click in my head, it tends to be a result of a metaphor or analogy. I can equate what’s going on in my headspace with some other thing. This week it was going to Florida of all things. Doesn’t much matter if you drive, fly, or take the train, the result is a trip to Florida. Doesn’t matter much how or where Kate meets her people, the result is a date for her. Along the same lines, each time you go to Florida is going to be a little bit different. If you want it to an enjoyable adventure, you’ve got to have a degree of acceptance and roll with it built in.

The other way this works for me is typically as a bolt from the blue. I had one this morning in the shower. I realized that every aspect of Kates personality involves giving to other people. I’ve said in here before that she excels at humaning and has a natural empathy. Her entire working life has involved being intimate, be it physically or mentally / spiritually, often all of the above. Sexually, she’s a pleaser; she gets off on her partner getting off. Her being promiscuous and a slut isn’t about her taking; it’s about her giving. Let the giver give.

A truism we’ve become at peace with is that if you’re going to give someone the space to be or do something, ya damn well better be prepared for when they do that thing. I gave a naturally promiscuous woman the space to be as slutty as she pleases. In yet another non plot twist, Kate likes that space, and uses it.

We remain a work in progress. We haven’t “arrived” anywhere fully formed and engaged in the ENM or whatever world. Our relationship continues to evolve.

Thank you for reading!! Be kind to yourself, and everyone!!

Sam & Kate