Why is it so Hard Sometimes?

Why is it so hard to say no?

Before we get into that…..Kate and I did get to the Korral this past Saturday for their pool party. No sluttery to report, we both treated it as a mini break from life. Our plates have been on the full side lately, so a day lounging naked at a pool sounded like good medicine; It damn sure was. It was a way hot day, especially given its still June, and the sun was pumping. We both left with some sunburn, but nothing horrible.

By way of an introduction if you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in an AA meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

I’d just bet there’s a segment of society, probably a large one, that assumes being in an open marriage means you’re fucking a different person every night. Sure, there are times and places when that kind of thing does happen; lifestyle travel being the main example. We’ve hosted several couples and people here at Casa Da Sam & Kate over the last few years, and I’m confident we’ll add to that. There’s no way we could (or want) to do it every night. I’d further wager that most open / lifestyle couples are similar. We say no all the time, as do most of us for one thing or another. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes not so much.

The easiest and most common place for a swinger no is online. I’d guess it’s the same on regular dating sites as it is on the swinger sites.

Kate and I sat down for coffee this past weekend with a guy who’s a reader of this blog; he dropped us an email with a couple questions. Turns out that Chris lives about an hour away from us, so, we agreed to meet at a Starbucks somewhere close to the halfway point.

During the conversation he asked about what we look for in an online profile. Close to the top of our list was don’t make it so easy to say no. Set yourself up for success. It’s more of an energy and vibe than a profile thing I suppose.

There’s an example in our SLS inbox right now.

The very first message from this guy is asking if we’re free at a specific time this weekend. No. In and of itself it’s not an unreasonable question and may have had a different answer if it came after a bit of chit chat and an introduction. As an opening, it didn’t leave much room to maneuver

Chris got a yes. Well, I may have asked him if he wanted to get a coffee given how close we are, so, Kate and I got a yes. Either way…. He didn’t lead with the chin, sent a warm and engaging email and asked us some questions. After a little bit of back and forth, the plan to cross paths happened very organically. He treated us first and foremost as fellow human beings. Sure, there’s a difference between asking a few questions in email and making an approach on a swinger site, still, he handled his business in a manner that kept “no” at bay. As it turns out (and in what’s probably not that big of a plot twist to regular readers) Kate and Chris hit it off and are chatting. More to follow….

Saying no face to face with someone is way harder.

A couple years ago Kate and I were in a dangerous place. We’d been around the lifestyle for a few minutes, had some experiences, and assumed that we had a handle on things. Well….not so much.

One of our more memorable experiences happened while were out in the western US visiting family a few years ago.

Our normal lifestyle site, SLS, wasn’t all that popular out there, so we signed up for Kasidie; it’s got a stronger user base in the mountain time zone. We made a connection with a couple who were having a party while we were going to be in the area, they extended an invitation which we accepted.

We chatted a little bit with some of the other couples that were going to be there. One couple more than the rest. It seemed that we were interested in similar things, had similar energy, and they looked good.

Kate and I aren’t BDSM or kink folks. Nothing against any of that, just not our thing. Sure, a little flogging here a little Shibari there, is all in good fun, but that’s as far as it goes. We’re about positive energy and like to keep things fun and light.

Fast forward to the night of the party. We show up and get comfortable with the crowd, easy swinger chit chat. We’re wondering where our new friends are. It’s not an auspicious start to the face to face when you don’t recognize them when they walk in. Their pics were clearly a few years and more than a few pounds in the past. Ok. Onward and upward, we can roll with this.

A note about that. If you’re rocking a few extra pounds or not 28 anymore, that’s AOK, seriously. The lifestyle isn’t a beauty pageant, it’s about connection. Should someone be meeting you at say Starbucks, the skillful move is to bear a pretty close resemblance to your pics and be recognizable. Sure, clothes and hairstyles change on a whim, but if you list yourself as 6 feet and 175 lbs and are actually 5’8 and 225, that’s not cool. Be authentic; be you.

We chatted a bit, and a couple things gradually became clear. First, while she was pleasant as she could be, I felt no sexual attraction to her. Second, his energy was very different online than it was face to face. In our online conversation, the husband had the fun and light vibe that Kate and I enjoy. His energy in reality was different. There was much more of an edge to him. Kate had a different response to him for a period of time. She enjoyed it, but my memory is that his energy was one way with Kate, and another to his wife and I. His wife was on board as well.

Not a state secret that Kate and I have dabbled in the cuckold world. We’re familiar with how dominant male energy looks and works in a sexual environment. The husband wasn’t terrible with Kate as I recall, but he ended up being basically a loudmouth prick towards myself and his wife. In yet another not state secret, that’s not how Kate and I roll.

He and his wife were also decidedly boozy; smoking of mother nature was involved as well. Kate and I don’t typically have an issue with either when used in a social / moderate way. They were past that point. As a result of this, we’re a little more warry of it now, at least in lifestyle spaces.

Despite the ever-growing list of pink to red flags, one thing led to another and the four of us joined a few other people in the hot tub; it was a BIG hot tub.

The husband was being very direct with his wife, basically ordering her to “take care of him” referring to me. He was equally direct with me “enjoy my wife, she’ll do whatever you want” he told me. I’m sure there’s no shortage of guys who would embrace and love such a thing, I’m not one of them. I wasn’t comfortable in the situation, and I didn’t do my part and communicate that to Kate; I was faking it for sure.

Kate on the other hand was having a pretty decent time. A guy named Bill was one of the other people in the hot tub. I’m not all the way sure how it happened, but Kate ended up with the husband’s cock in one hand, and Bill’s in the other. The decision was made to shift from the tub to the play room.

The husbands energy towards me and his wife escalated when we got there. He was telling us what to do and how to do it. My ability to maintain the fake was wearing thin. At the same time, Kate’s perception of the situation shifted, and she became more aware of his overall energy.

The final straw was the husband pulling the classic guy in a swinger couple move and couldn’t get it up. He had no issue in the hot tub, but as is often the case, he lost his hardon in the few minutes it took getting from the tub to the play room and it didn’t return. His energy didn’t improve with this development.

Given this, and Kate seeing that I wasn’t enjoying it at all, she called a stop to the chicanery. “We’re going to take a timeout here” said Kate. The husband put up a protest, but it didn’t go anywhere. Bill was as gracious as he could be, and helped to calm the energy down.

Bill didn’t have the lost erection issue, and he was ready to roll. Again, guys, talk to your doctor and if you can do it, get the pills. Despite the geographic distance between us, we’re still in touch with Bill and hopefully will cross paths with him again at some point.

There were many chances for me to say no. In our postmortem of the event, we came up with a couple of strategies to hopefully minimize this sort of thing going forward. First be better at vetting people and be non-committal when talking with someone prior to a party. Second, we came up with language to use should we find ourselves in a similar situation again; I’m going to sit this one out.

We’d like to think that at this point we would stop such a situation before it got started. If we don’t we’ll learn new lessons, and perhaps re-learn some old ones. We weren’t born perfect swingers, we learn as we go. Life comma be in it.

Thank you for reading!!! Be kind to yourself and others!!!

Sam & Kate