It Sure Can be an Adventure

“Who doesn’t love that new car smell??” — Humanity

“Love is like oxygen, you get too much, you get to high, not enough and you’re gonna die” — Sweet

You damn near owe it to yourself to Google “Love is like Oxygen” and watch Sweet’s Disco 20.03.1978 “performance”. The lip synching may be the best since the OG “Godzilla” flicks were dubbed to English.

By way of an introduction if you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in an AA meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

It’s wholly unpredictable what’s going to start an awesome conversation. The type of talk that opens doors you didn’t all the way realize were there. Kate getting in contact with a woman named Haley this week ended up exposing a couple such doors for us, behind door number one was NRE.

Here’s how Kate and I defined NRE in our lifestyle dictionary post:

New Relationship Energy (NRE) — That kindof fluttery in your stomach butterflies feeling when you’re engaging with a new partner. Probably something close to Puppy Love. It’s natural and can be very powerful. NRE can cause significant issues in a relationship that’s open. Especially if you don’t recognize it, deny it, or believe it’s more than it is. — Props to High Flight for the addition of the last sentence.

I think we’re going to have to revisit that defination.

Kind of the original sin knock on NRE is that it can be a negative in ENM / poly / lifestyle spaces. That people can get lost in it, and it can be a destructive force. Yup, it can. That doesn’t mean it has to be. NRE can be talked about calmly and rationally….not that it always is.

Haley and her husband reached out to us on SLS. Like Kate, she’s all the way bi, not curious about it at all it seems. I passed on Kate’s number (with her OK) and suggested Haley get in touch with her directly. She did. The two of them shifted from the typical awkward hello to texting all day and talking about a TON of things very quickly. This is what put the idea for an NRE post in my head.

As it happens, Kate and I see NRE a little bit differently today, while our history with it shares some commonality. This gave rise to the realization that, wait for it, NRE is a spectrum just like every thing else in the lifestyle / poly / ENM space.

NRE, it seems, is in the vein of Justice Potter Stewart’s description of porn; “I know it when I see it.”

Kate and I each have a couple different understandings of and experiences with NRE; before and after getting sober.

“Back before I got sober, I would get caught up in NRE, get lost in it, get obsessed with it and then wake up from the trance and realize, no. This is when I thought I always had to fall in love with everybody I had sex with” — Kate talking about her relationship with NRE earlier in life.

This has actually been one of the big realizations of ours in our ENM journey. That connecting with someone, either emotionally and physically, doesn’t require romantic love at its core.

Like Kate, my relationship with NRE wasn’t the most healthy when I was still boozing. It was obsessive, and had little to do with relationship.

This is going to be hard to write, because it’s hard to put into words. When you’re a drunk, a guy drunk at least, it gets very easy to latch on to a woman. That’s not right. There are certain women at certain points that hit you like Michael Corleone’s “Thunderbolt” in “The Godfather.”

Typically, these women are inappropriate in at least one way or another; age gap, married, something. If a fellow alcoholic is reading, he probably is getting this by now. It’s portrayed on screen perfectly in the Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga version of “A Star is Born”. The obsession and self doubt mixed with alcoholism that Cooper portrays is a thing.

There’s a scene early in the movie, I think in a dressing room, that made me cringe. I soooooo got what he was playing. The longing for, the desire, the obsession, the trying to play it cool and just not. Cooper aced it, and I was way uncomfortable watching his performance; it hit all the way home. Long before I was healthy and before we became a thing, Kate was actually the last person I felt that for.

Our takes on NRE are a bit different today, as are the ways we perceive it.

We’ve experienced shared NRE with other couples in the swinging space. That’s always fun and flirty, mixed with the knowledge that it is what it is. It’s a relationship between people who are mainly in it for the physical piece, the sex. We have had some deeper connections with couples, but that’s always been more friendly than anything romantic.

The one time in our ENM adventure I started to solo talk with a woman got sideways before it got much in the ballpark of NRE. She was loosely a co-worker and it got overly complicated much to quickly for me, so it stopped. That said, it really was fun for a little while.

I 100% see NRE manifest in Kate when she starts talking with someone new. It may not be full on puppy love as described in our definition, it’s more mature than that with Kate I suppose. It’s more of a focusing of her attention. Well, most of the time.

Here’s Kates thinking…

“NRE in the lifestyle is way different than in monogamy, for me. I keep myself……..very tempered in the lifestyle. I don’t even do it, like, on purpose, if that makes any sense. We’re not looking to fall in love with people. But NRE doesn’t have to be about falling in love. It’s just enjoying the new energy or just enjoying the energy of being with someone new. That being said, I’’m not blind to the fact that it is possible for one or both of us to fall in love with someone else.”

I’d add that it’s a different thing when Kate’s NRE is with a woman. There’s a different kind of sexual component; one on one girl sex is a powerful thing with Kate. I also think there’s an intimacy, a shared vibe that’s closer to romantic than she gets with guys. As much as Kate enjoys other men, and relishes the Hotwife role, there’s an itch she has that only another woman can scratch. My sense is that she lets herself go more with a woman than a man.

Kate continues….

“I don’t spend enough time with a person to really fall in love with them. Even just texting. I think NRE is usually associated with falling in love. Now, we’re looking at it from a different perspective. NRE is the build-up of getting to know somebody and getting excited about sex in this arena anyway. It’s the difference between random sex with strangers and having a connection.”

“With James for example, because I only see him every 4–8 weeks at this point, the NRE isn’t there all the time but when I’m with him it is.”

Part of this I suspect is that Kate would be more comfortable going deeper down a relationship rabbit hole with a woman. She has some amazing relationships with men, but they’re more tempered. She’s says that’s because of me and our relationship. I’m open to a great many things (as is Kate) we’ll continue to take it as it comes and roll with what happens.

For clarity, that’s Kates decision and how she’s comfortable with being in the ENM space now. I don’t ask her to check herself at all.

Another point along these lines is that where we live isn’t at all conducive to deeper relationships. James lives an hour and change away, Chris is about the same distance; Haley is getting close to 90 minutes. Were someone 15–20 minutes away and had their own place…..

Who knows how or even if the NRE that Kate has with (for??) Haley will turn out. Is it even NRE at the texting stage?? I think it can be.

Strike while the iron’s hot has long been a mantra for Kate and I with lifestyle things. We’ve learned that a solid online or text connection is best followed up quickly with a face to face; it’s very easy for a potential connection to die on the vine otherwise. Haley seems to understand this as well. The two of them are meeting for dinner tonight.

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and everyone!!

Sam & Kate (and Clifford)