The Opposite of Cheating

Were I to describe how I feel about the relationship Kate and I have in one word, that word would be alive.

By way of an introduction if you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met at a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

There’s a feeling I think we all remember from the days of our youth.

The first time we felt something for another person beyond friendship and familial love. The first hint of a crush or puppy love. Everything became hyper focused; colors were brighter, sounds were HiFi, scents tugged at your soul, and lodged in your memory for life. The feeling of knowing THIS is why you’re here on earth. The highest of highs and when it spun around in mid-flight, the crushing lows.

My sense is that the “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all” mindset comes from this; props to Three Days Grace. The realization that the world is a bit of a meat grinder, and those feels are fleeting. Pain can be a comfort when those natural highs (or lows) aren’t there anymore.

I’ve long suspected that at least part of the adventure / adrenaline junkie energy stems from this as well. I see it in my past. I volunteered for every deployment when I wore the uniform, the riskier the better. That impulse grew after the first time I came under fire. There was nothing else like it. To be clear, I don’t have direct combat experience, I wasn’t in the Infantry or another combat arms branch, and don’t want to pass myself off as such. That said, I have been under fire and felt the blast of mines going off.

My favorite day in the military was spent with a Special Forces team in the middle east. It was an August day in the mid 1990’s out in the deserts of Kuwait, truly a miserable place to be in the middle of August. The team was going out to do demolitions (explosives) training, with an Iraqi tank that was killed in the first Gulf War as the target. A handful of folks from my unit were invited to go along, I was one of them.

We spent the day placing various charges in, around, and under the poor tank. There’s a picture of me from this day that I love; I’m making like I’m taking a bite from a block of C4. The pic is grainy as hell and washed out from the sun, but it’s great. It reminds me of how alive I felt that day; doing something new with the very real potential of going significantly and permanently wrong.

As we loaded up and drove off, all my fingers and toes intact, there was nothing left of the tank but a crater. Below is a different pic from that day; we did all of the visible damage.

Retiring from the military did leave a void in my life. I’m kind of just piecing this together as I type, but I think the sharp ramp up of my drinking career at this time was an attempt to fill the void separating from the military created. That rings true. I had thought I was just fitting into a hard drinking area but see now this was probably going on. “More shall be revealed” is a time-tested truism in 12 step land. Sure as shit seems that way.

At any rate, that’s a rabbit hole for me to explore in my journal, not here.

I’ve told Kate a hundred times if I’ve told her once, that I feel alive with her. This was the case before we started down our non-monogamous path, it’s only grown since.

We’re a dichotomy; we’re each ENM, but also the yin for the others yang.

There’s an energy with her, a connection that she has, a way of making you feel like there’s no one else in the world, now or ever. People are drawn to Kate, and her to them. My energy is more focused; a laser to Kate’s shotgun blast. Her connection to me is the same as mine to her.

I have a friend with Kate’s energy. He’s no Fabio, but women flock to him, and apparently have his whole life. He’s struggled with it, and it’s caused him a fair share of problems; he hasn’t found the ENM path.

It’s subtle, but once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Going to breakfast with him can be a sport; pick the waitress who’s basically going to confess her undying love for him and demand to bear his children. (Slight hyberbole there, sent out for a mutual dear friend who’s no longer with us….he’s laughing.)

I’ve observed this energy and vibe with Kate many times over the years, and it was the cause of the chief fear I had as we started our ENM adventure.

I had seen it with me, with her family and friends, customers, people in recovery; I knew (and know), random people in random situations. It’s a thing.

I was afraid of people in the lifestyle getting too close to her, seeing what a spark she has; seeing her humanity. Mixing that with sex seemed a hugely scary thing to me. In the same vein, but subtly different, I was fearful of her sharing that with other people. Scarcity mindset: jealousy and envy mixed together.

That’s the fear I had to let go of.

The physical part was never that way. From our very first swinging encounter, that part has been easy, and a turn on.

Gradually, I did let go of that fear. Trust, as they say, leaves in buckets and arrives in drops. That’s how it was for me. Little by slowly I relaxed from metaphorically holding Kate with a clenched fist, to an open hand. This isn’t a one and done thing. Every situation is unique, and sometimes the urge to clench is strong. Lived experience steps in at this point and helps loosen my grip.

Kate went thru a similar process learning to accept that I was ok with her need for connection with more than just me. It’s a struggle for her to be at peace knowing that I’m ok with and a fan of things that she would be upset about.

Kate sent me this text message yesterday while we were both at work. “The feeling of joy and contentment and happiness that the lifestyle brings us, with the connection to other people and us growing together; drugs and alcohol don’t even come close.”

It’s a dance between us, very fluid and never static.

Last Saturday, Kate and her boyfriend Chris spent the night together while I was out of state. Later in the day Sunday, Chris had this to say to Kate: “ I haven’t felt this alive before.”

Kind of the reverse of how I started this post. The fear of loss and uncertainty was replaced in mid flight by joy and contentment. Abundance mindset.

I feel alive too, Chris.

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate.