The Basics.

There’s been a shift in the feedback Kate and I have received since we started posting here on Medium.

(By way of an introduction if you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in an AA meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.)

For the first couple months, a steady drumbeat was around whether or not I (Sam) played with other women. Easy answer; yes. Nuanced answer: I feel there’s no shortage of first person narrative talking about themselves, either factually or in varying degrees of fiction. Put another way, I don’t feel the world needs another voice triumphing the conquests of his penis. I’ve decided to keep that to a minimum.

The number of trolls who thought they could get me to fight them has faded. What’s replaced the uninteresting has been very interesting, much more real and organic, and what Kate and I hoped for.

The trend is people seeing what Kate and I have, and expressing a desire to have elements of that in their lives. No, I’m not meaning a line of people wanting to fuck Kate (tho to be fair, that is there too).

Our sense is that over the course of the last 8+ months, we’ve connected with some people. We’ve tried to be open and authentic, and I think it shows. While we’re far from perfect, some elements of our relationship seem to be resonating with people.

There’s two broad categories in the new feedback. Those who are in a committed relationship and are interested in opening it up, and those who are looking to create an open relationship from the ground up. Two similar but very different things.

Over the weekend, we had Clifford out for a walk (for us) and run (for her). We talked about what to write next and we both landed on something similar. Do a multi part story talking about how we got here, detailing some specifics.

We’re going to do a series of 3 (at least) posts over the next few months taking a deeper dive into this. We’ll try to be as specific as we can, with tangible steps you can take. If there’s something you’d like to see discussed, by all means leave a comment or drop an email (Sam.kate.enm@gmail.com).

We’re observers of relationships in the broader lifestyle and polyamory world, and we have our own lived experience. We’re not therapists, doctors, or anyone remotely official. We are people who are on your side and would love to see you succeed in your endeavors, what ever they may be.

The plan is to have a post talking about specifics for both committed relationships looking to open, and for people looking to create an ENM relationship from the start. This post will focus on some basics common to both.

Right off the bat, is a motivation and ego check. If you’re coming into ENM from a “wow, think about all the pussy / dick I’ll be getting” mindset, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Sure, depending on where you land, there’s the opportunity for lots of sex. Your energy and vibe will make that decision for you much more than how white your teeth are, how swole your biceps are, how much cleavage you show, or how much you’re hung.

What level of energy are you going to be able to put into it? Like everything else in life, much of what you get out of it hinges on what you put into it. Do you have the time to get out there on line, face to face, or both to meet people consistently? If you’re a single parent of 3 kids under 5, this might not be your moment. Not to say it can’t happen, but having realistic expectations is helpful.

Say you meet someone who’s both interesting and interested in you. Are you prepared and able to give that relationship time and resources? Honestly, are you able?

Speaking of meeting people, rather than totally re-invent that wheel, here’s a post from a few months back talking about just that.

View at Medium.com

Even the most casual sexual encounter Kate and I have experienced has had some significant time invested. Sometimes it’s not directly related. For example…

Over the weekend we joined friends of ours, Sophia and Chuck (Kate’s been their Unicorn for years) for a regular dinner they have with other lifestyle couples. There were 4 couples total, and we had a great time; lots of easy laughs and camaraderie. I’ll never play with Sophia, she’s made no bones about having zero interest sexually in other men. Women, well, that’s a different story.

One couple lives very close to us and there may be a connection brewing. That opportunity only presented itself because both of us have the relationship over time that we do with Sophia and Chuck.

I’ve been to their house, met their kids, had multiple meals with them over time. They’re friends. Sure, I could have gotten pissy and shown my ass and thrown a tantrum about not being involved sexually. To what end? Is not getting my dick wet every conceivably possible time really that big a deal?

Partly because I’ve not been a creep and pushed anything, we were invited to join this group. Sure, Sophia and I joke, but it’s light hearted and we both know it’s never gonna happen. (If you’re not able to sexually joke with the opposite sex without being creeepy, learn how.)

What will happen as a result of this beyond a great night out? Time will tell. It’s about possibilities not expectations; relationships not notches.

Post script to this little story. Sophia always greets me with a hug that’s hard to beat. She grabs on, squeezes and holds it. It’s a hug between friends who have a shared and intimate connection that’s amazing; sex isn’t required.

Patience, and not being creepy lead to an unintended and very organic opportunity.

It’s a truism that people understand learning to play an instrument, or to compete athletically at the highest levels, takes effort, learning, and patience. It’s no different with any flavor of ENM. Believe me, you don’t roll out of bed one morning and be over jealousy, or suddenly have the skills and patience to communicate fully with a partner about VERY intimate things. Time to roll your sleeves up.

There’s no shortage of books to read and podcasts to listen to. Here’s what we’ve read and (continue to) listen to. This is a start, branch out and find your way. If you find something good, let us know!!

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easten and Janet Hardy. This is a fantastic seed planting book that doubles as a step-by-step guide and ready reference. Seriously, if you’ve ever read or listened to anything about ENM, poly, or the lifestyle, I’d bet a buck that a debt is owed to this book. It’s the bedrock, the Rosetta Stone of ENM. (Audible has it)

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. This book was very helpful for me in some really tumultuous times, particularly the chapter on jealousy.

Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. It’s not a perfect read, the authors are clearly making a case. The chief case being that we’ve been sold a bill of goods about women, their sexuality, and the idea of pair bonded monogamy. There’s much cultural conditioning thats called to task in this book, and I think they nail it. If you or someone you know has struggles with monogamy, this book may help to understand what’s going on with them. (Audible has it)

Normalizing Non-Monogomy Podcast. Hosts Fin and Emma have been around the block a time or several and have 350+ episodes to choose from. If there’s a flavor of ENM you’re interested in, I betcha a cheeseburger they have an episode or two talking about it.

The Savage Lovecast. If you aren’t familiar with Dan Savage, now’s a great time to change that. His pod touches on all things sex, and a lot of other things as well. His take (to our ears anyway) is on point much more often than not. Be prepared to be offended and uncomfortable. It’s 100% NSFW, and I’d keep it out of kids ears too.

Ten Percent Happier. Dan Harris has given the world a gift with this podcast. He’s never preachy, and his pod is chock full of practical actionable stuff you can do yourself. Not ENM related on the surface, but there’s a lot of discussion, sometimes from surprising places, about relating to our fellow humans with compassion and joy.

Regardless of where you’re thinking of swimming in the ENM pool, these books and pods are well worth a read and listen. Be open minded and realize that not everything will be pertinanat at the moment. Take what you need, and leave the rest.

Final thought in this first post. Get some community. There are public and closed Facebook groups, all manner of websites, local goings on, munches, on and on. ENM folks are a friendly bunch and love to jabber jaw. Kate and I have met people thru this blog, we also text and email several folks, always room for one more!!

Thank you for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others!!

Sam & Kate