Dealing with Rejection and Disappointment

Kate and I had dinner with a new to us couple earlier this week.

We’d met on one of the sites, are in the same age range, and have all been around the block a few times. They seemed attractive, as are Kate and me. We were all interested in meeting for dinner. So, we did.

We met about halfway between us and ate at a restaurant that was new to us as a couple. The food was great, as was the place; we had a nice evening.

By way of an introduction if you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

“No” is probably the hardest word in the English language. It’s difficult at times, many times, to say and can be devastating to hear. It’s frequently the last word you want to hear, or speak, but oh my is it ever needed sometimes. Those two letters can suck the life out of a period of time ranging from a few seconds, to several decades. Short of a death, I can’t think of anything that can hurt us more than no.

The opposite is also true; no can be impowering and liberating, it can reshape your outlook and attitude on life, it can bring into sharp focus things that are hazy.

It can also just suck for a little while in a very pedestrian oh well, such is life way.

The latter is how I feel having received a text from the couple we met the other night saying they’re not interested in seeing us again.

They were perfectly gracious, and gave the courtesy of a clear no, which is greatly appreciated. I’m not stunned, nor is Kate; chemistry is a mysterious thing, and it wasn’t all the way there. We were up for another meet to see if that could be worked on, it wasn’t meant to be. We had a nice dinner that closed the restaurant, and that’s just going to be that.

Sure, there’s a bit of a sting, it’s a human thing.

Part of dealing (skillfully) with life when it’s not going 100% your way, is to not get all butthurt about it; to have some resilience. I think that’s something we’ve lost a bit of, especially since the 2020 election. It seems as a culture, we’re too quick to lash out at whoever or whatever wounded our ego by saying no; we’re too quick to turn any pain into “righteous” anger or rage. To what end?

Taking a no with grace and civility is one of the truly beautiful parts of the swinger / ENM lifestyle. That couple didn’t want to have sex with us. I responded kindly, thanked them for a nice evening at dinner, and wished them well; no drama. There’s been couples that we’ve not wanted to have sex with; same results, no drama. No one in swingerville is immune from being shot down, so (for the most part) everyone treats everyone with respect and dignity.

We’ve mentioned Dan Savage in here before, here’s another plug for him. He has an awesome weekly podcast that reliabley generates conversation between Kate and I. If you give him a listen, be warned, it’s NSFW, and you’ll probably be offended by something.

Dan’s talked several times about how different gay hook up culture is from straight. I’ve taken some of that to heart. As Savage explains it, gay “cruising” is very direct and to the point (apologies if I’m getting this wrong) and as a result people are more free to be honest and direct back. I’ve tried to steal this, use it when having to say no to people.

“Thank you for saying hi, we’ll pass” has become my standard way of saying no on the sites. I’ve had no push back going this route. Usually, if there’s response, it’s some variation of “thank you”. That feels better to me than ignoring a message. In fairness, a message consisting of “hi” or “she’s hot” isn’t likely to get anything back. If someone takes the time and writes a clearly not cut and pasted message containing a few sentences, I’ll match that energy as well.

Time, as they say, heals all wounds. It’s also where wisdom comes from.

Had the rejection Kate and I received a couple hours ago occurred when I was say 16 or 26 or 36, wow, would that have been a different can of worms. Over time you learn that the sting of rejection or disappointment just isn’t terminal. The interview that didn’t go well, the divorce or breakup, the win or loss on the field, the call saying you’re laid off, the loneliness of years spent in the bottom of a bottle, the ups and downs of life. I’ve gone thru all of these and more in the 6 decades (fuck me, 7th decade isn’t that far off) I’ve been here. It’s life.

Clifford the Wonder Dog doesn’t cry in her water bowl over a lost stick. She gets another stick. Or tears the garbage apart, or does that charming dog dragging their ass on the floor thing, or takes a nap. Well, maybe all the above. Until the Chow Hound Cat passes within a lightyear of her food, or a deer runs thru the yard….all bets are off at that point.

Speaking of Clifford and sticks….There was a period when Clifford was a puppy and the younger of the local grandbabies was 2. Kate would watch this grandbaby a couple times a week back then. She about lost her everloving shit over the two of them fighting over sticks when she’d have to take Cliff out for a pee. I have zero doubt I’ll hear about this paragraph, instantly, when she proof’s this.

So there ya have it, there’s a secret to life. I don’t feel that disappointment sting any more. I stole a page from Clifford’s book. By writing about her and her nano second attention span, I triggered my own nano second attention span, which pulled me out of the mini funk. Ya really can learn a lot from dogs.

I’m off to drag my ass on the floor…..

Thanks for reading!!!! Be kind to yourself and others!!!

Sam & Kate

PS….If you’ve made it this far, please take a moment and clap (once, or up to 50 times) for this post. It’s feedback for Kate and me, (comments and highlites are always welcome too!) and helps push the story up algorithmically. Thanks!!!