Preventing Death By A Thousand Cuts

Kate and I just got back yesterday (Sunday) afternoon from a 6 day road trip to New England. We started with two days in Vermont, then went to Massachusetts for the remainder. We had a GREAT time, the weather was perfect, we didn’t go bonkers spending on silly stuff, met some amazing people; the only bummer was leaving Clifford The Wonder Dog for that time. Well, that and gratuitous Elton John.

Kate and I are in sync musically for the most part around classic ‘70’s and ‘80’s rock. She bends softer and more country, I lean harder and more bluesy. For most of our trip, which did have several hours a day of drive time in one way or another, she was the DJ. At first it was great. Fall colors, loads of sunshine, big blue skies and Elton John. Sooooo much Elton John.

I’m not against Sir Elton at all, but there’s only so many times in a 72 hour period I can hear the beginning of “Tiny Dancer”. When it started playing again in hour 73, while sitting in the festering cluster fuck that is Boston traffic, I lost my shit.

“Well, thank God, let’s hear Elton John for the five hundredth fucking time” I hissed at Kate, forgetting for a moment that she knows me too well, possesses a smart ass streak at least as big as mine, and was in control of the music.

Less than a minute later, and with nothing said from Kate, Judas Priest’s “Pain Killer” comes blaring across the speakers. (If you don’t know the song, Google it; it goes with Boston traffic like peanut butter and jelly) I was already feeling like a dick for snapping at her, and the instant the first note came across I started laughing. I KNEW exactly what she did and why she did it.

We’ve learned over time when to poke if the other is in bear mode, and when to give space. This was clearly a poke moment, and “Pain Killer” broke my mood instantly; it was relationship Bactine, well, perhaps Mercurochrome if you’re sadistically minded. (Bactine was a first aid spray / antiseptic we remember from the days of our youth; it was sprayed on all manner of kid scrapes, bruises, and cuts. Mercurochrome was similar, but burned like a bastard.)

As good as Kate and I are together, we’re human, and we’re prone to being less than our best with each other. I think it’s a truism that we as a species tend to treat those we love the most, the worst. We know (hope?) they can take our shit. We’re more likely to bitch about Elton John to our spouse than a stranger or someone not as close to us.

Over time, these small (or large) wounds pile up unless treated, and eventually cross the threshold and become terminal to the relationship. I’m pretty sure both Kate and I can attest to this. Resentment grows from the smallest of initial wounds.

Kate and I are good at putting metaphorical Bactine on these cuts before they lose too much blood or get infected.

My sense is that the Bactine has been intentionally un-intentional on our part. Our way of interacting with each other lends itself to doing in the moment first aid on the countless cuts that happen. Our default position is one of love and support; we’re not in conflict or trying to score points against the other.

We’ve grown our relationship by spending time with each other, with us as the focus. We talk, A LOT, about real things that matter to us, about what we think and feel about the other (as well as ourselves) and how we relate to the world at large.

We’ve invested time together learning to be more emotionally mature and increase our emotional intelligence. We’ve taken courses together, meditate together, read and listen together.

We’ve been vulnerable and honest with each other, and with our closest friends and family.

We each have the ability to laugh at ourselves, and recognize when to poke the other and when to give space.

Our relationship is important to us, and we treat it with love and respect.

If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

Given that Kate and I find ourselves in ever so slightly non-mainstream sexual circumstances from time to time, being able to get to the Bactine quickly is perhaps extra important.

One of the big ways we do this is by intentionally limiting our swinging / Hotwifing / whatevering to one encounter at a time. We’ve over done it in the past, swinging on a Friday, Kate off with a boyfriend on the Saturday or Sunday. Too much of a good thing is 100% a thing.

Part of our process, our kind of preemptive Bactine, is to have a pretty good post game / after action review. Not just a 2 minute talk in the car on the way home. Sure, it’s pretty much the whole topic of conversation on the way home, it’s also a bit more than that. We’ve learned it takes time for things to settle in, and to give each encounter time to simmer in our headspace. This is typically a couple days. Things pop up, the passage of time seasons experiences and headspace. I’m sure what helps this is that it’s just the two of us at home, and we talk as things reveal themselves. Clifford knows all, and is a trusted confidant.

Another good example of lifestyle Bactine is using the word no or stop. We’ve not had to do this very much, but it’s happened. Kate had to put an end to basically a small orgy at one point. That was a really good learning experience for us both. Using your words in the moment, when bodies are naked and erectile tissue is erect, is hard (pun intended). It can also be hard in the pre-game, setting and establishing ground rules, communicating boundries, etc. Our experience has been people and their desires are respected in lifestyle / ENM spaces, ya just have to use your voice.

Couple notes about the New England trip. We did have a play date that went more traditional threesome. Fun was had by all, and Kate mentioned (several times) that he was a gorgeous man and she really enjoyed playing with him.

We also went to a meet and greet on Saturday night as part of an online community that we’re members of. We met some awesome people and had a great time hanging out with the dozen or so folks who were there. One of the highlights was Kate and I were “recognized” in the wild.

We were talking with Mike and mentioned that we do a blog. He asked what it was called, and when told he responded with a very surprised and enthusiastic “You’re Sam and Kate???? I follow you!!!” It was pretty cool….. Thanks, Mike!!

Thanks for reading!!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate

PS….If you’ve made it this far, please take a moment and clap (once, or up to 50 times) for this post. It’s feedback for Kate and me, (comments and highlites are always welcome too!) and helps push the story up algorithmically. Thanks!!!