Q & A with S & K

It’s bizarre to think we’ve been doing this whole Sam & Kate thing for almost a year now. It’s been reliably good for us, the energy around it is 100% positive.

If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

One of the things that boosts the energy is questions from people, especially people who are newer to the ENM / CNM / whatever world. We’re certainly not king (or queen) turds of the swinger shit pile, and it’s always flattering to be asked about some part of the lifestyle. So here’s a few of the questions we’ve been asked, in most cases more than once. Please take what we say with a grain of salt, neither of us are MD’s or anything close to an expert at much; our answers are based on our experience.

What are your thoughts on the questions? Do you have a different one? Comment or drop an email!!

Questions are in bold, answers are in italics. Some answers are Kate’s, some are Sam’s, some are both. Hopefully it’s clear who’s answering.

“Are most people groomed / shaved / waxed down south?” Yes. We’ve found that most people are at least trimmed. Women, more commonly than men, are typically shaved smooth or waxed.

“Do you have sex with the men?” “Duh 😂” — Kate.

I (Sam) am bi flexible, if it’s talked about beforehand and everyone is onboard, I’m comfortable with oral play. It’s decidedly more of a threesome thing than a traditional swinging / two couples thing.

“Is giving the woman oral sex an expectation?” — I don’t know that its an expectation, but most women would appreciate it unless they say otherwise (Kate). It’s not expected, but I can’t think of a woman I’ve played with that I haven’t gone down on. (Sam)

“Is guy on guy play common? Male on male isn’t the norm or typical in swinging spaces. It’s unlikely you’ll see it at a party or a club unless it’s specifically mentioned or advertised. Parties where it’s “acceptable” will usually specify “bi-friendly”. Whenever the word “bi” is used in the context of a lifestyle event, it’s assumed it’s referring to men. Women have a universal ok, bordering on expectation to play with other women. A HUGE double standard.

“I am only about 6” and not thick, do you believe most women want more than that?” Dick size is not usually an issue. Some women are size queens, I am not one of them. (Kate)

Our experience is that it’s not a hinderance in swinging spaces. The decidedly bigger (pun intended) issue is guys not being able to get it up. It’s close to the majority of guys in swingerland. Talk to your doctor and get boner pills. Show up with what you have, and for God’s sake if you’re out of your teenage years, are up past 9PM, have had any booze to drink, or any food to eat, take a pill. Also, realize that your dick is only one of your sexual tools, have good energy and be willing to use your hands and mouth.

For Kate, when she plays solo, size is a thing, but not the only thing. For us, when we’re doing a cuckolding night, bigger is better.

“Do you use a condom all the time?” No. Our experience is that condoms are not the rule in swinging. We’ve never seen anyone balk at condoms, and do use them, but it’s not a majority of the time thing. If there’s multiple partners for Kate in a night, condoms are a requirement. Our tolerance of risk may well be different than yours. This is 100% a conversation to have with your partner or people you play with.

“Are you worried about an unplanned pregnancy?” No. I had a vasectomy decades ago, and Kate is post-menopausal. If you’re a guy and not clipped, you should be concerned about it. If you’re a woman still in your child bearing years, you should be concerned about it.

“Do you enjoy anal, if so, do you do anything to prepare and does it ever get messy” Anal is a game decision for Kate. Typically, it’s a just us or in a threesome situation, I don’t recall it ever happening in a foursome. No special prep, and if mother nature happens, it’s dealt with. I mean, it’s not like it would be a plot twist.

“How is it fair that Kate plays more than Sam?” It’s not, I want a refund 😂 (Sam). First of all its kind of lifestyle physics; women just have more opportunity to play. Another point is people tend to equate equal with fair. Every couple’s dynamic is different. In our case, I (Sam) don’t have the same needs and desires for multiple partners as Kate does. Each of our needs are met, so we’re balanced and happy.

“My wife is a “kisser” and loves to make out. Is this frowned upon when you are with other couples?” We’re each big kissers as well; we’ve never played with a no kiss couple. They’re out there. Every couple I’ve seen that is no kissing is upfront about it. I (Sam) have used it as a filter with couples on the sites; I don’t engage with no kiss couples.

“Where do you find out about the hotel parties?” I’m most familiar with SLS. They are listed sometimes in the “hot date” section. Also, the hosts typically have “groups” that you can join on site. There are some closed Facebook groups as well. Sometimes you’ve gotta do detective work. If you see a certification on someone’s profile and it mentions a party, read their profile carefully and see if they’ve linked to any groups. Also, check out the profile of the person who wrote the cert.

“Looking back on your experience so far, and knowing what you know now, what would you do differently?” We were on the quiet and shy side when we first came into the lifestyle. Afraid of rejection, afraid of a lot of stuff. I’d go into it with more confidence now. Sure, we’re not going to be for everyone, and that’s ok.

I wish I would have had someone to talk to about my jealousy, but I got thru it using my mindfulness meditation practice. Podcasts helped too. It would have been great to have a female mentor tho. There are several communities and connections we have now. (Kate)

I was slow to let go of trying to control Kate. I caused myself a lot of heartache early on worrying about this and that, trying to steer her the way I wanted her to go. Letting go and giving her the space to be her is something I wish I had the confidence to do sooner. (Sam)

That said, we’re both fans of the Buddhist concept of interdependence, and given that our present is the sum of our past causes and conditions, we would not change a thing.

Today, I’ve got to do something that I’m not a huge fan of: I’ve got to go shopping for an outfit. “Go shopping for an outfit” the phrase damn near gives me the hives. We’re going to a ‘70’s themed hotel takeover in a few weeks, so I’m on a quest for white shoes, plaid pants, and lapels the size of Cleveland.

Kate will be with me and we’re making kind of an outing of it, so it it’s much more manageable. There’s a possibility we’ll cross paths with Chris for a bite as well, so that’s cool. (We did cross paths with Chris, was GREAT to break bread and hang out for an hour or so)

Somehow, I think I’ve managed to avoid clothes shopping for decades. I grab a tee shirt from a concert or place every now and then. I’ve been the same size for the last 10 years (I was one of those drunks who super sized when I was drinking, getting sober melted 50 pounds off me) so typically I just replace stuff as it gets holes or rips. Kate (well, and my mom every Christmas) is the reason I show up dressed in the ballpark of decent.

Thanks for reading!!! Be kind to yourself and others!!

Sam & Kate

PS….If you’ve made it this far, please take a moment and clap (once, or up to 50 times) for this post. It’s feedback for Kate and me, (comments and highlites are always welcome too!) and helps push the story up algorithmically. Thanks!!!

(Turns out that the shopping expedition was a success. I now have polyester pants, and a perfectly hideous ‘70’s looking shirt. Kate found a pair of killer cork wedge shoes to round out her bell bottom outfit. That outfit will feature an authentic gifted shirt from the ‘70’s, as well as a lime green tube top. Yeah baby comma yeah……)