Without it, there’s Nothing

There’s an interesting mix of people and circumstance in swinger and Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) spaces.

So far as I can tell, there’s no overt hard lean either way politically in the lifestyle at large. A couple of the biggest events we’ve been to have been right around elections, (including 3 days after this election) and not a single peep was heard about politics or any political personality. I don’t recall seeing any bumper stickers in the (very full) parking lot either.

Consent as a concept is having a bit of a zeitgeist moment. I promise this isn’t going to be an overly political post, but current events are germane.

An internet pinhead who has a voice in certain circles coined the phrase “your body, my choice” in the immediate aftermath of this months election in the US. The clear implication being that the aforementioned pinhead is entitled to fuck anyone he chooses, with the other person not having a say. Rape, in other words. Predictably, this gained traction on both sides of the political divide, chiefly among the 20 something crowd it seems. Also predictably, this has done nothing to cool the collective temperature in the aftermath of this election cycle.

Big politics are what they are, but that sort of lack of consent isn’t going to fly with any woman, father, husband, brother or son that I’m aware of. Zippy the pinhead knows this. He may be enjoying a surge in his Tik Tock numbers, but I suspect he lacks the courage of his convictions.

If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is ENM. We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

First things first, and this is important. Consent for lifestyle stuff starts between the husband and wife choosing to explore the swinger / ENM world. If either person isn’t on board, is grudgingly along for the ride, or their (well, lets be honest, her) consent is assumed, you’re doing it wrong. If you feel you’re being dragged into this and don’t want to, if you’re able to say no, do it, it’s ok. If you’re not able, I’m sorry for your situation and encourage you to do what you can to help yourself.

If you’re exploring this to try to fix some issue in your relationship, and the consent is coming from shaky or fearful ground, well, swinging or anything ENM isn’t for you. The only thing that may be a worse fix for a struggling relationship would be having a baby. Do your work, read the books, get your relationship right before you introduce other people into it.

Consent is the main fuel of the lifestyle and what makes it socially acceptable to the extent that it is. It’s arguably the largest piece of the E in ENM, and literally the first letter in CNM (Consensual Non-Monogomy) if that’s. your preferred label.

In a very pragmatic way, consent in the lifestyle is like the Cold War nuke “strategy” of Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD).

MAD is the charming concept that, believe it or not, has done more than probably any one other thing to keep us from blowing the world up since the end of WWII. MAD posits that should one side start a nuclear war and launch it’s missiles, the other side will have enough time to return fire with it’s nukes, thereby assuring that each side ends up deader than yesterday’s soup.

Much to Zippy’s disappointment, while many people are interested in fucking other people, damn few are interested in their partners being raped, or doing the raping themselves.

Consent is what keeps the playing field level in the lifestyle. In a traditional four way swing encounter, each of the four is consenting to the opposite partners having sex with each other. Without the consent of each of the four, it falls apart.

In swing land, it’s in bounds to want to fuck someone’s wife. Part of being in bounds is you are giving your consent for your wife to fuck someone else. I, Sam, am writing this from my point of view. Of course, the consent of Kate is vital, as is the consent of the other couples wife. That’s overly simplified, but in a MAD way, it makes sense and opens doors that are closed outside of swinger spaces.

Consent is what affords the semi public facing component, the business of swinging, to exist. Without consent, no one would open a club, no hotel would agree to host a takeover, there would be no web sites or apps.

Everyone involved in the lifestyle either knows or learns quickly that as a fringe community, there’s not a lot of wiggle room for shitshows that end up on the front page or evening news. Consent is what causes people to not be overly bothered by the swinger crew.

Big consent isn’t perfect or the be all and end all. Ask the gay couple you know, or maybe the trans woman you see at the coffee shop. Swinger / ENM land isn’t perfect, see the double standard dealing with bi women vs bi men, but it does an excellent job with consent, and the public at large is just ok with most things that are in the heterosexual arena.

Consent should be clear and unambiguous. It should also be sought and given every time with everyone for everything. Boundaries and rules, preferences and desires are all among the things that should be talked about prior to any play. Those conversations are guidelines, not consent for anything.

Just because you all like say hanging from a trapeeze, that doesn’t mean that you want to do it with that specific trapeeze in that spot with that person. This can get a little murky, especially with people you’ve played with extensively over time.

I’ve been guilty of consent issues in the past. There have been times that I’ve taken things for granted with prior play partners that I shouldn’t have. Kate called me out on this. With prior partners it can be as simple as touching a quick base and making sure the mood is good, that they’re up for whatever. Like everything else in lifestyle, communication is key.

Things can get real awkward and uncomfortable real fast with prior partners without doing the consent touch base. Kate has recent experience with this, and it sucked the energy out of a couple days.

The other side of the consent equation is honesty. Don’t consent for something you don’t want to do. That’s a recipe for a shitshow. The shitshow can be later, in the moment, or both. It gets hard for sure. No one wants to be the stick in the mud or Debbie Downer in the moment. It’s very easy to go with the flow particularly if not given the express opportunity to say no or steer the energy in another direction. You don’t have to.

If you’re in a situation that precludes you being honest with your spouse, or play partners, please, find some help. No one has to live like this today, and I suspect all too many do. No is a safe in the moment word in any lifestyle situation I’ve seen.

If fear of your primary partner is causing you to say yes, maybe try a discrete word to the other couple’s wife.

A great example of positive affirmative consent with a prior partner is our friend Chuck from the hotel parties. Chuck is constantly talking, constantly taking Kate’s temperature, making sure everything is ok, asking first. Of course this is all happening while Kate is engaged with 2 or 3 other guys at the same time. It really is quite something. Chuck is a trip, and possesses a significant amount of game. He goes about his business the way it should be done.

Be like Chuck, not Zippy.

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate

PS….If you’ve made it this far, please take a moment and clap (once, or up to 50 times) for this post. It’s feedback for Kate and me, (comments and highlites are always welcome too!) and helps push the story up algorithmically. Thanks!!!