The Truth IS Out There

In addition to being your crack on the spot reporters of all things ENM, Kate and I have a side gig that we’ve kept hidden from you till now: We’re secretly doing secret things related to drones.

Think about it, were the drones there before we started blogging? We’re in the northeast US, but where exactly are the mysterious S&K? Why have S&K never been seen in the same frame as any of the drone videos from Jersey? WHAT ARE S&K DOING???

Enquiring minds want to know….

In case you’re unaware, which is possible because MTG has really elevated her let’s be calm and rational about a given subject game, there is an apparent thing happening in the greater New Jersey area related to drones. There’s a lot of them it seems, and people are freaking the fuck out.

Having nothing to do with the drones, Kate is currently in the kitchen singing along and ad libbing the lyrics to “Rocket Man”, (what is it with Elton John this year??) Something about pussy licking. I’m not sure, I’m trying to write a serious post about a serious subject, and I can’t be distracted by thoughts of…..wait….back to drones.

The drones apparently first appeared in mid-November. As evidence of the drones, there’s been highly credible video after highly credible video, apparently taken by persons unknown to this reporter. My analysis indicates that while there are indeed some clear videos showing what looks to be decent sized very low flying drones, there is something more sinister at play.

It appears a statistically significant number of the smartphone owning population of New Jersey are unaware that they live under one of the most congested areas of airspace on earth. Further analysis has concluded that this segment of the population has also never looked up on a clear night.

*BREAKING* Military jets have just been seen flying low over NJ (appx 4:20 PM. Source: The social media group I’ll expose below) On an unrelated note, and to be filed in the it really doesn’t matter category, the Philadelphia Eagles are at home with a 4:30 or so kickoff today, playing the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In my efforts to keep you, dear reader, appraised of this situation, I have joined the “New Jersey Mystery Drones — Lets Solve It” group the social media platform you assume it is. The level of clear headed, rational discussion is inspiring to this reporter.

Among the possibilities gaining credence in community: They’re laser holograms. A conspiracy by the current president to distract someone from something. A conspiracy to distract us from the CEO murder. A distraction covering a deliberate attack on the US. A blue vs red state conspiracy. A US aircraft carrier has left port and gone to sea. Someone checking flight radar and confirming a fixed wing jet in the area of reported lights. A scolding post pointing out that pointing a laser at a plane or anything sus in the sky may not be a great idea. Complaints about posts being removed. An Elvis sighting. Chemtrails. Orbs. A nuke threat. Aliens.

Our analysis indicates it’s likely some teenagers or other such group with more money than sense.

Sun has set on the east coast, my loins are girded for another night of hysteria.

Speaking of things tech related, I feel, in the interest of disclosure, to convey Clifford The Wonder Dog’s palpable sense of disgust directed at me. Small household appliances, like can openers, can emotionally dysregulate me in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. As a result, Clifford was forced to wait as I opened her vegetables via the can opener “blade” on my Leatherman just now. Yes, Clifford has vegetables with her chicken and beef. Clifford lives well.

Keep your eyes on the sky……

Sam