We Leaned A Little Too Far Forward…

Humaning is hard. It truly is at times.

I don’t know if that’s a phrase Kate and I have used for a long time or it’s one that we’ve lifted from the Normalizing Non-Monogamy (NNM) podcast. Probably both.

We were at an NNM event in Boston a couple months back and included in the swag they gave out were stickers with that phrase on it. Turned into a bit of a saga, but Kate eventually converted one to a magnet and it’s on the side of her car (the bumper isn’t metallic). Either way, the phrase is 100% accurate, and NNM is a fantastic listen about all things ENM.

The hosts, Fin and Emma, are reliably good humans. We’ve shared space with Fin and take it as an article of faith with Emma. They’re open minded and are 100% big tent non-monogamy people.

Our tent shrank this week. We’ve never been a fans of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) and it’s now a filter for us.

If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous and cuckold spectrums; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

Walt, in case read this know it’s not personal. I stand by what I told you in the email, I respect your decision, and accept that’s how it goes sometimes in the lifestyle.

That said, I don’t like it.

Kate and I are leaning into being less intentional with conventional swinging, and more intentional with cuckolding. We’re finding our way. There are parts of it that we’re not huge fans of, and parts that work for us as easily as breathing. We’re doing it on our terms. I’m sure we’ll have more posts going deeper into this down the road, this isn’t one of them per say. I mention the cuckolding piece because it’s what got us in contact with Walt.

I met Walt on a site that I’m not going to name in this post but will down the road.

Pretty quickly, Walt and I hit it off. He’s been down the cuckolding path before and has the more poly as opposed to kink / BDSM view of cuckolding that Kate and I have. He’s in our age range, carried on intelligent conversation, was good looking, and didn’t come across as thirsty.

That last piece is rare, all the more so in cuck spaces it seems. We talked about sex in a way that had passion, but never tipped over to needy. He never sent a dick pic, to me or Kate.

There were a couple of yellow flags, however. First was that he was in a DADT relationship with his wife, second was he’s out of state. The latter isn’t a huge crisis in the northeast US; in about two hours of driving on I-81 from where Kate and I are we can be in 4 different states. That said, any potential logistics would be a concern, but not out of range for us or him.

Another big hurdle with us is that Kate has a decided preference for meeting people organically. Something that I had been debating for a while came to fruition with Walt. I explained her meeting preference and sent him a couple links to some Sam & Kate posts. I asked him to send an email to our address and introduce himself, while being up front about him and I already talking. Winner winner, chicken dinner. This intro felt organic and on her terms to Kate.

Kate and Walt were like peanut butter and jelly from the word go, their energy responded and reacted well to each other’s. It was great to see her texting like a banshee with her flirtatious smirk on. Things seemed on a positive track.

Then, a few days later, we get an email from Walt saying that due to his desire to respect his wife’s wishes, he had to cease and desist. That’s not a problem at all, we get that. Kate and I are big kids, and we accept that when playing in the tall grass, anything is possible.

What doesn’t all the way land well is the DADT piece; and that’s on Kate and me, not Walt. We don’t know if someone asked and someone told, resulting in the email, or if it was something else. Again, it’s not a personal thing, how each couple goes about their business is just that, their business, just as how Kate and I feel about DADT is ours.

We were blinded by a very appealing match, and that knocked us off our game. The E in ENM is a big deal for us….well…..It’s just been put into very sharp and clear relief.

Walt was 100% upfront about how he and his wife approach the lifestyle, we continued to talk to him. In retrospect, his being so upfront about it seemed to change how we felt about it; there was no shade thrown in our direction.

The ethical part for us means that everyone involved, including their significant others, is aware and gives positive and informed consent. This doesn’t happen in DADT. Again, if that’s how you roll, Bob’s your uncle. It’s not our thing. Except when it is apparently.

Not the first time we’ve been burned by going down those paths. Thankfully none have devolved into shitshows; there’s been no physical component, no fucking. What’s different with this time is that we effectively choose to ignore it; Walt called it off, not us.

One of my favorite sober phrases was delivered, appropriately enough by the local patriarch; I’ve only heard it said once. I don’t remember exactly what the main topic was, but it was in the vein of fuck around and find out. He said that he “feasted at the banquet of his consequences”. Great turn of a phrase that’s stuck with me.

Did we fail? No, I don’t think so. You live, you learn, most of the time anyway. Much like we’re being more intentional with cuckolding now, we’ll be more intentional with crossing our t’s and dotting our I’s. DADT is now an easy no for us going in.

Will we always get it perfect? I kinda doubt it. Is there a feast waiting for us? Perhaps.

Humaning is hard after all.

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate

PS….If you’ve made it this far, please take a moment and clap (once, or up to 50 times) for this post. It’s feedback for Kate and me, (comments and highlites are always welcome too!) and helps push the story up algorithmically. Thanks!!!