Being Successful (And Not) In The ENM World

There’s a great scene in a “Yellowstone” episode where the lads have to (I think) get a herd of cattle back down from somewhere or another. I don’t remember if they were in a bad patch of woods, maybe moving into wolf territory or something, it doesn’t matter. Point was there was going to be a significant suck factor and no shortage of risk to the cowboys to get the cows back home.

Instead of tip toing around and making a long drawn out process that minimized risk, they went with a “Fuck It” approach. “That’s your plan too, Fuck it?” the Kevin Costner character asks of his son when presented with the plan. “It’s gonna suck no matter what we do, may as well do it fast so there’s less time for things to go wrong” was son’s response. Sorry if I got the exact lines wrong, I ain’t got no time to Google.

There’s no shortages of opportunities to say fuck it in the lifestyle.

The one that pops directly into my head is the first time Kate and I went to a nudist event. Well, a lifestyle friendly nudist event. It was billed as a clothing optional pool party at a swinger / sex club. At this point we’d been in an orgy or two as well as played with a few other couples, it wasn’t like being naked in front of other people was totally foreign to us. Doing it in broad daylight with 50–60 other naked people around a pool was new.

We said fuck it. We went, we each decided to have no hesitation to get naked, and we didn’t. Turned out to be an awesome experience and as it happens, Kate and I took to it like fish to water.

Speaking of saying fuck it and just going for it….next Wednesday, March 19th “our” episode / interview on the Normalizing Non-Monogamy podcast will be out. We decided that we’d use our real names on the episode, so don’t be shocked when you hear Steve and Cathy instead of Sam and Kate.

If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous and cuckold spectrums; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

This kind of post tends to make me itch a little bit. There’s a part that feels IDK, like a snake oil salesman kind of vibe. Writing the cliché “7 WAYS TO MAKE YOU A MORE WONDERFUL YOU” posts that are clearly copied and pasted from somewhere isn’t something I aspire to.

Kate and I have tried to mix theory with our lived experience in our writing. We’ve tried to keep talk of process and how to stuff subtle-ish for a couple reasons.

First, neither of us are certified anything; we’re not relationship coaches, certainly not PhD’s or anything quantifiable beyond being two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl….year after year. Our “process” has as much duct tape and super glue as anything else; like everyone, we figure a lot of this stuff out on the fly.

Also, we’re not looking to turn a buck from doing this or make it into a side hustle. Of course, we’re invested in Sam & Kate (this is post number 96 after all) and want to put out stuff that people want to read. I’m not worried (too much) about numbers of readers and do precious little “marketing” for the Sam & Kate “brand” (follow us on Bluesky…@samandkate) That said, the more how to a post is, the less it tends to be read, so the less I’m inclined to write how to’s.

Finally, I’m more comfortable telling a story than delivering a lecture. Finally and a half, numbered lists are a pain in ass to format.

All that said, our process has been asked about a time or several. Most recently last week in the comments of the “Holding On Loosely” post as it exists on the Medium platform. Thank you, Bob!! Also, in case ya missed it earlier, I should point out that “fuck it” is part of our process from time to time. Sometimes ya just gotta let it rip a little bit.

There are a couple things that are tangible and can be put into a list of sorts, so we’ll do that-ish. I do think the big parts of our process are intangiable, we’ll talk about them as well. So, on to the becoming the Best version of you in 5 easy steps portion of this post.

First is to connect with your spouse / SO on the spiritual plane. Neither Kate nor I are religious, but we are spiritual. We share an affinity for Buddhist philosophy and lean into that. This has happened over time for us and it’s become so vital to us that it’s number one on this list. We also share our sobriety journey and process. On this broad plane, I’d include giving back in some way. We write this and work with people new to recovery.

Second, open your mind. Make the effort to see the other side of something, or the bigger picture. Critical thinking. Train yourself to recognize when something is legit how you feel as opposed to something that you’ve been conditioned to feel. Challenge yourself and your thinking.

Third, share resources with your spouse / SO. We listen to several podcasts about different topics, some lifestyle, some not. They’re a reliably great conversation starter and we’ve learned a lot from them. At the risk of sounding cliché or trite, podcasts and reading about all things in the broader ENM world can be a part of opening your mind. There are frequently topics or episodes across the board that don’t all the way land with one or both of us, but we still listen. Ya never know when a nugget someone shares will end up being a piece of your headspace puzzle.

Here’s a link to our list of recommended pod’s and other resources:

These Are A Few Of Our Favorite Things

Fourth, we don’t take as gospel truth anyting we hear or read or watch. You’ve got to have your bullshit detector turned on. How someone does something may resonate with you, or may be a hell no. Treat it like anal sex……for God’s sake, go slow and don’t force it. Be attuned to stuff that’s common sense good and don’t take anything anyone says as being the one true way for your relationship. Be skeptical and mull it over.

Finally, let things flow…..be patient and flexible. If something you’re doing isn’t working, there are probably reasons for that, and sometimes they’re not apparent at first or second glance.

I think the biggest part of our process is the stuff that’s difficult to quantify. Our energy is much more roll with what’s happening and do what each circumstance requires than follow a checklist.

One of the biggest differences between being monogamous and having and ENM relationship, well, besides fucking other people, is that there’s no goal line. Monogamy is pretty clear cut. One person with one other person. ENM has by nature a rhythm and flow to it; what’s not within the realm of possibility one year, is table steaks a couple years later. It’s a beautiful and scary as hell thing to navigate this evolution with the person you love the most.

When we started out, like most people, we had a list of rules a mile long. I think the rule adventure is as much a rite of passage as anything in swinger / ENM land. For us, we realized (again, over time and with patience, it was a years long process) that close enough to all the rules we had along the way were coming from a position of fear, and fear is no way to run a railroad. As we gained experience with various situations, we gained confidence that our core as a couple is solid.

Kindof part and parcel with the last paragraph is recognizing that the guy is going to think about ENM and lifestyle stuff a whole lot more than a woman is. I mean by a fucking mile. By the time we had our first conversations about going down the cuckolding path intentionally, I had devoted a ridiculous amount of brain CPU cycles to it. It a surprise to no one (except yours truly) Kate wasn’t ready to dive headfirst into something she hadn’t given any thought to. It was also something of a shock to discover that Kate didn’t spend every spare waking moment thinking about sex and the lifestyle, much less in the exact same way I do.

The last thing I’d say about our process or how we do this, is that we’re not keeping score. Neither of us expects the other to be perfect, and when one of us screws something up, we don’t weaponize the mistake. Kate and I love each other, and we like each other. We forgive quickly and move on.

Of course, we communicate all the time about more that lifestyle stuff. There’s mountains of good material out there about doing that.

Well, I hope this answers some of the process questions.

Thank you for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate