Yeah, That’s Not Gonna Work.

Fellow Reddit’er subsoccerplayer dropped the gem that I’ve used as the title of this post in a thread in the Cuckold Psychology sub recently.

It’s a rule of thumb in that particular sub that there’s going to be a LOT of new to cuckolding folks going thru the earliest stages of the process and trying to understand what’s happening. It’s at the same time interesting, entertaining, annoying, and a little bit sad.

What’s sad is how conflicted they are about what comes perfectly naturally to them. I’d guess it’s in a similar ballpark to when someone who’s is gay finding their way. It’s sad that the pressures of society to be heteronormative, mononormative, the alpha male, saintly in the kitchen, but slutty in the bedroom are as immense as they are. The amount of shame causes and conditions that society produces just by being itself are astronomical. What’s wrong with me or words to that effect are way too common.

The irony of me being a damn near 60 year old white middle class heterosexual-ish male with a 20+ year career in the military figuring this out as I go isn’t lost on me. Processing all this in the very few fucks left to give age range that I find myself occupying is a huge advantage. As is being sober, and if not fully released from the weight of the power of shame, at least being able to see it and understand a bit of how it works.

What I’m gradually figuring out about myself is that my place on the cuckold spectrum isn’t something that I was born with per say, it’s much more about Kate and the energy that flows between and around us. There’s no universe I can see having with my ex what is so organic with us. For me, and this tracks as I’m thinking about it, it’s much more about her and us than it is a me thing. Maybe this is getting to why the humiliation piece that’s so common in the cuck-o-sphere just isn’t a thing with me.

Not all the way sure where that last paragraph fits into this post, but it’s gonna stay.

Back to the new to this energy that I’ve seen so much of lately.

Fear 101 among the new (and some of the not so new) folks in the broader ENM world, and specific cuck-o-sphere goes something like this: my wife / significant other is going to meet and fall in love with someone better than me and run off with him or her, leaving me broken and behind.

A natural response to this fear is creating rules, which are designed to prevent such an event from coming to pass. I suppose in some ways these rules are in the same ballpark as the vows we take when getting married. Anyone want to take a stab at how effective those “rules” are at preventing anything? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Do wedding vows eliminate all potential or possibility of cheating? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

Century after century of wedded bliss points out just how ineffective rules are and governing affairs of the heart, and of the nether regions.

Rules in ENM are just as silly, yet just as crucial to the process as vows are to the glowing newlyweds. It’s a big scary thing, investing that much in another person.

We all at our core’s know just how flawed and failable we are, and we suspect that however wonderful our partner may be, they just might have the same shit deep down as we do. Vow’s and rules are a necessary evil to pass from one threshold to another. Maybe.

I spent a couple months in Brazil a few years ago, pre Kate and I becoming a thing.

Prostitution is legal down there, and the city we were working in had a “red light” neighborhood. It was among the saddest places I’ve seen. It was filthy, stay dogs and dirty diapers in the streets mixed with borderline impossibly hot young women wearing as little as they could get away with. There were cars full of guys driving around as well, zero doubt on anyones mind what they were looking for. There was no joy anywhere. No smiles, nothing more than exchanging money for the basest of our biological needs. No, I did not partake.

Sex, if it’s going to be good anyway, kind-of by default has an emotional component. People talk about having a or finding a “connection”; this is an emotional thing.

Connection = “the feels” spelled differently.

Of course, there are degrees, but I think everyone will agree that the little flutter waaaaay down inside is a good thing, and reliably makes sex better. Combine this flutter with the excitement of a different body, a different soul, and it’s clear why ENM (and non-ENM; aka cheating) are as popular as they are.

When Kate and I first started our grand non-monogamous adventure, my primary fear was that she’d end up finding someone “better”, would catch the feels, and dump me. The fear of abandonment that an adopted kid has is real, even if that kid is in his 50’s. The simplest way for that to happen would be for Kate to be the wonderful amazing person I know her to be with her lovers.

So, we started with rules, a lot of rules, all designed to keep Kate from being Kate. I put a bar up so high, that it was impossible for her to clear it. It ended up being more about checking arbitrary boxes than anything else. Kate hated it, I hated it, it was pretty miserable.

I’ve mentioned that an iPhone of mine was a casualty of us going thru our process. Rule breaking is what brought it about. Kate was texted by the make half of a couple she was seeing one New Years Eve. I happened to see the text while we were out to dinner with another couple. I silently lost my shit in the restaurant

That night was a disaster for other reasons, chief among them was the wife of the couple got sloppy drunk. We ended up back at their place after dinner and had to make a very awkward bailout that was all the worse due to my fuming. Which, of course, Kate wasn’t aware of at the time.

This combined with a horrible weather / foggy drive home and we were miserable when we hit Casa Da Sam & Kate somewhere after midnight. Words continued, and my phone died a violent death brought on by rapid deceleration trauma.

I’d love to say that our pull back from rule keeping was complete before January turned into February that year, but I don’t think that’s right. It took a little more time than that, but that was a big event for sure.

We did what we do, went to Uncomfortable Island (we really should get tee-shirts) many times and worked thru it. Over time we landed where we are rule wise. We have two, and they’re loosy goosy….no secrets, no surprises.

The connectedness that’s grown from the process of repeatedly and consistently going to Uncomfortable Island has been additive to us in many ways. That we’re non-monogamous as well has (perhaps counter intituitivly) has added several layers of armor to our relationship. Seeing your significant other fucking someone else is a thing for sure. What’s more of a thing is the layers of honesty and vulnerability that occurred to make the sex with others possible. Loosing the rules was part of this for us.

The armor that this process builds up ended up creating the space that allows Kate to form connections with her lovers; their relationships are more than just sex. That energy and two way trust her and I share in turn flows back into our relationship; strengthening us, building the armor further. The wheels on the bus do indeed go round and round.

Which brings us to…..

Last weekend, Kate and I spent Saturday night with James.

James, in case you’ve lost track of the nuiasances of our life, (shame on you if you have 🙄) is Kate’s long term boyfriend. They’ve been a thing for coming up on 2 years now.

James moved into a new place recently and hosted a vanilla house warming party last Saturday to which Kate and I were invited. We went.

It was interesting. A couple of the folks there are aware that James isn’t monogamous and that married Kate is in a relationship with him. Other’s there were not aware, but if they wer paying attention, they picked up on some vibes for sure. The initial hug Kate & James shared was more intimate and lingering than what you’d expect, their kiss on the lips was also an indicator.

The three of us are each comfortable with who we are, and there wasn’t any discomfort between us or with the crowd. We went with the flow of the evening, talked with everyone, threw a ball and frisbee with the 6 year old who was there. Kate was involved in an epic Jenga battle that included the 6 year old, James, and a couple of friends of his.

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself, and others…..

Sam & Kate