The Continuing Saga Of Being Out To Our Kids

Turns out that Memorial Day Weekend was another in the growing list of solid justifications for our coming out to our kids last summer.

As I sit here on the couch writing, Kate is off spending the night with Chris. I’ve also got a touch of the over did it on the ice cream blues; a side effect of having the 3 time zones away grandkids and their mom, Rachel, in on a surprise Memorial Day visit. When I say surprise, I mean surprise; she Face Timed me from her gate at the airport to let me know her and the boys were inbound. That was yesterday morning, it’s 2050 (ten till nine) Friday night ATM.

Rachel is a trooper and a fast becoming quite the travel pro, much like her dear old dad. She made the trip from Vegas to Philly with a 3-year-old and an 18-month-old. By herself. On Memorial Day Thursday. Minor snags with the rental car in Philly, other than that, smooth travel for the three of them. Hopefully just as smooth on the return leg. (ETA the return leg was just as smooth, tho the younger lad was a bit fussier)

The older I get, the more I think that having a balance in most things is a big deal. With Kate and I the huge asterisk to this is our sobriety; there’s just not a lot of balance in abstinence. Perhaps that’s at least in part why I put such value on having other things balance out.

Kate and Chris had been trying to cross paths for a while now, and the stars aligned for an overnight tonight. Their plans had been set I think for a week or so.

Rachel has another visit home planned for the tail end of summer. We’re all very well aware of that and are making plans for family reunion stuff. For that week or 10 days, her and her family will be at the top of our priorities. We’ll plan picnics, time the mowing of the lawn (don’t get me started, it’s in three segments) we’ll organize our lives around the visit. Safe bet there won’t be any overnight’s, clubs, or hotel parties when they’re here. That’s fair.

As it happens, logistics for her visiting are pretty simple. Her mom, my ex, lives a couple ridges over (this is central PA, “Over The Mountain” is more than just a killer old Ozzy song, mountains / ridges and the number crossed between places is a common way of giving directions) and visiting kids stay in the house they grew up in. Casa Da Sam and Kate is an easy 15 minute drive.

Then there’s this visit. Kate and I choose, kindof by unspoken consent, it wasn’t talked about more than a couple sentences, that Kate’s date tonight with Chris would continue as planned. Sure, visiting kids and grandkids are a priority for us, but so is Chris. There’s enough life stuff that can happen along the way to derail a night, Rachel visiting didn’t reach that threshold for either of us. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, this is who we are. It’s not a phase or a “lets try it out” thing.

Rachel coming face to face with the logistics of Kate having a boyfriend wasn’t the first time worlds had collided with kids; Kate’s daughter Megan lives just down the road (no mountains between, just a couple turns) and our lives are very interweaved. Megan has been logistical support for Clifford and the Chow Hound Cat many times while we’ve been out and about. She’s even texted with Chris about some carreer / interview advise. Megan’s the most open and comfortable with our ENM chicanery.

We’ve not gone very deep with Kate’s other daughter, Nicole, but she’s typically aware when Kate is out for the night.

It’s conversational with Kate’s daughters, Nicole is more hands off with it. I don’t think it bugs her, but she’s content to not get into the headspace or how it works aspects. Well, yet anyway.

My son Ben has moved back local, he’s a 5 minute drive from us. Of all the kids, he’s the one least interested….well, that’s not it, he’s the least thrilled about it is probably the better way to put it. IDK if that’s the way he feels or more the way his wife feels. She’s made it clear she’s not a fan. There’s friction there that extends beyond us and non-monogamy; it’s friction with the entire family. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Friday night, before ice cream, was when this collision of worlds happened.

Kate was on her way to Chris’s place (Chris is more across the river than over the mountain away) when Rachel and her lads arrived at Casa Da Sam and Kate. Rachel knew that Kate had a commitment that night, and she asked what it was after she arrived. I told her. There were no specifics, no names and addresses kindof thing. Kate’s out with a boyfriend for the night. “Is she spending the night?” Yes she is.

I think I’ve mentioned that Kate, Rachel and I had a fairly deep conversation about our dynamic over lunch in Vegas when we visited last month. (If you’re looking for great meal that’s not on the strip, Esther’s Kitchen is our recommendation). It was similar to the talk we had with Megan, not as deep, but in the same ballpark.

Rachel knows that Kate and I are in a good place and is aware that she solo dates. What surprised her a bit I think is that Kate kept the date. If I’m honest, I suspect she was a touch butthurt in the moment. I picked up on that vibe and explained that coordinating schedules and logistics is a constant challenge and that Chris is a priority as well. A surprise visit doesn’t necessarily trump plans that had been made and agreed to.

We did make a change to our Saturday night plans however. We had planned to go out to a local club, just the two of us; some dancing and seeing what the night would bring. It was an easy call to cancel that potential adventure.

Thinking about it, we’ve approached dealing with the kids in a way that’s very similar to how we’ve approached non-monogamy. We’ve not pushed anything at any of the kids beyond the initial this is who we are conversation. There’s no blanket once size fits all way that we deal with them; each is different and has different wants and needs. We’ve laid out who we are, made it very clear we’re open to further conversation, and left that conversation up to them.

The second world collision of the weekend happened at one of the great traditional amusement parks in the states: Knoebels.

Knoebels (The K is not silent BTW) is a mom and pop place that’s got a vibe all it’s own. It’s set in a small valley, and has had it’s share of epic flooding over the years. There’s plenty of trees, so even on the hottest day of the year, the temp is not overbearing. You don’t pay to park, there’s no admission fee, and you can buy a $10 book of tickets for rides if that’s your jam. We’ve taken Clifford over for socialization walks. Fresh cut fries with vinegar, funnel cakes, wooden roller coasters, a carousel where you can try to catch the brass ring.

Both of my kids grew up in the shadow of Knoebels; Ben worked there for 4–5 summers. I have memories of both kids being knee high to a grasshopper and going on their first rides in the kiddie section.

Well, the kiddie section is largly unchanged in the last almost 30 years (fuck me sideways I’m getting old) and for Rachel, introducing her boys to Knoebels was high on her list of priorities. The compressed time frame of this visit had its own gravity and one of the side effects was that my ex would be there for the festivities with her boyfriend.

We’ve not been at each other’s throats since I left the marriage, but it’s safe to say we’re not on each other’s Christmas card lists either. Our orbits don’t intersect very much, and typically when they do it’s due to the kids or grandkids.

There was a little bit of awkwardness for the first 20 minutes or so once all our paths crossed. In what can’t be considered a huge plot twist, the smiles and joy of a pair of little boys everyone loves enjoying the magic of a kiddie section cut thru the ick. Détente was reached fairly quickly, and everyone enjoyed the afternoon together.

Quiet weekend this week, Kate’s working. There was talk of her and James getting together, not sure if that’s going to happen or not. Next weekend we’re off to another central-ish PA traditional spot: Sunny Rest. Sunny, if you don’t know, is a nudist resort. We’re staying on site for the weekend, hopefully the weather will cooperate…

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate