Enquiring Minds Want To Know

**This is a repost of a story from about a year ago. All’s well at Casa Da Sam and Kate, summer is rolling along. We do have some big news…..Clifford The Wonder Dog isn’t aware of this yet, but her kid sister Billie was born yesterday!!!! Assuming all goes well, Billie will be joining us in September.*****

Funny how things bubble up when you’re thinking about them. The dreaded think about buying a red car or a Ford Ranger, and next thing ya know, they’re everywhere. Does that phenomena have a name? Either way…

Kate and I have been talking about this post for a couple of weeks now, and the broad themes of what we want to talk about keep popping up in different podcasts, and a bit more abstractly in general life.

By way of an introduction if you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step group; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, our answer is 100% yes; a marriage can be open and committed. We’d make the case that what one or both partners do with their sex organs, or with their relationships, has nothing to do with being committed to a marriage. Further, we’d argue that simply being monogamous has nothing to do with being in a committed marriage either.

There’s a thought we expressed in the blog recently, (I’m Not Her Everything) where I state that I want to be the reason Kate can say yes rather than the reason she says no; Kate feels the same way. Full disclosure, that wasn’t an original thought. I heard it at some point over the years on a lifestyle podcast somewhere. If you’ve heard it, and know from where, please let me know, I’d love to give credit.

I was in Antarctica before Covid when we had our very first email conversation about opening up. Kate went on tinder and was looking for a girlfriend. I told her that I wanted to give her what I couldn’t give her; I couldn’t be there at that moment, and I couldn’t be a woman. I could however give her the space to be her. I could give her the space to say yes.

This was further expanded on by none other than Dan Savage in the June 11th 2024 episode of the “Savage Lovecast”. Dan’s pod is a faithful weekly listen for both Kate and me. I gifted Kate a subscription; she’s a “magnum sub”. I can’t recommend this podcast strongly enough. You’ll no doubt laugh, no doubt hear stuff you’re uncomfortable with, no doubt be offended by something, and no doubt learn and have your mind opened a little bit.

Dan said “I’m not against monogamous relationships, but sometimes I think one of the things that can deaden erotically a monogamous relationship is that you look at your spouse and you think, uh, there’s the reason I can’t, rather than there’s the reason I can.”

Our relationship is committed to being yes, and the reason the other can.

Another point from another podcast, Ten Percent Happier this time. This was the June 3 episode talking about Blue Zones with Dan Buettner as the guest. He was talking about dieting and stated “If you restrict yourself, eventually you’re going to fail.” That landed a couple ways for me.

First, as a person with long term sobriety, I understand that completely. To be successful, long-term recovery must come from a place of abundance, from a place of holding joy for the state of being sober, and the desire to keep the life you’ve earned. I’m not restricting myself at this point. Sure, that was the case in early sobriety, but that evolved over time with me. People who poo poo 12 step recovery don’t seem to grasp this point; sobriety is much much more about abundance than abstinence. Further, that abundance just isn’t found at the bottom of a bottle, or in ones ego; it’s found in surrender.

In our relationship, Kate and I have found a source for that abundance in sharing our sexuality and humanity with others in an open and ethical way.

As a species, it seems the evidence for us being monogamous by nature is sketchy at best and drowning in religious coloring at worst. I mean for fucks sake; cheating is as old as relationships…. If our nature is monogamous, why is the quest for variety and more sex partners so prevalent?

Why do we cheat with the frequency we do? We’ve bought into conditioning over the last few thousand years that tells us to restrict ourselves but doesn’t give any instructions as to how to go about that. Of course we fail.

It’s difficult to explain how our being non-monogamous fits into our marriage. I think the Buddhist concept of interdependence points the way.

Without going too far down a rabbit hole, interdependence says that a thing isn’t the thing itself, rather it’s the combination of the causes and conditions that made that thing.

For example, say you disassemble a car into each of its many components; an engine here, door lock there, wheel over there etc etc. Which piece is the car? It’s the sum of all the causes and conditions that enabled each component to be.

Another example came to me while watching 6 year olds play baseball. Which piece was the game? We all know what a baseball game is, but how would you define it? It’s not the field, it’s not any one piece of equipment or player. It’s the interaction between all the people on the team, and all the causes and conditions that gave rise to all stuff needed to make a baseball game. Is the field the most important part? The ball? It’s all of it, coming together moment to moment in ways that are unpredictable while falling into the framework of the game’s rules.

What is a committed marriage? What are it’s causes and conditions? Why can’t one of those conditions be ENM?

How exciting would any sports league be if there were only two teams, and every game was between the two? From the first preseason game to the championship, the same two teams. If there’s a third or fourth or thirty third team in the league, does that dilute your connection and allegiance to “your” team? Of course not. It seems that a variety of teams serves to strengthen the bond to “your” team.

While I do play, swing, whatever, our main dynamic is Kate being the loving to fuck slutty Hotwife that she is. Her fucking other people is absolutely the most reliable generator of energy and intimacy in our marriage. It’s much more than just the sex, tho God knows that part absolutely works for each of us. It’s the vulnerability we share, the ebb and flow and mix of love, honesty, trust and fear; all coming from similar yet very different places in both of us. These are among the causes and conditions that flow into and enable our connection and commitment to each other.

A big piece of why this works so well with us is that we each look at ENM differently.

With Kate, it’s simply who she is; there’s not a monogamous bone in her body. It’s an orientation not a choice.

For myself, it’s been an evolution, a growing of the headspace that’s needed to support it. I don’t for an instant think that most people could just drop into this type of relationship; I couldn’t and didn’t. It took a LOT of work on both our parts to get to where we are.

That place starts with the mutual interest and concern for each other’s well-being. We share a genuine affection for each other. Our connection in very real ways was created by the process of communicating honestly and openly with each other about heavy stuff; sharing our wants needs and desires.

I think another reason why it works for us is that neither of us are looking for a more hardcore polyamory type relationship. My sense is that we each have an emotional intensity and connection with each other that fills those needs.

Our personalities are a good bit different as well. Kate is extremely outgoing and gregarious; I tend to be a bit more reserved. When we started in the swinger world there was an element of shy to demure with her, that’s long since in the rear view. That stemmed mainly from her not being all the way sure in the beginning that this was something that could work. Her past experiences in other relationships convinced her that multiple partners were a one way ticket to shitshowville. Different times, different relationships, different stages of life.

We didn’t jump right into Kate going off with other men for an overnight, it was a years long gradual evolution.

Yes, a marriage can be both open and committed. I’m committed to supporting Kate first and foremost; to being on Team Kate as it were. Kate is a wonderful person; I can’t think of a better human. That does not mean she’s perfect. Part of committing to being on Team Kate is the willingness to call her on her bullshit when it comes up. I’m not a yes man to her every whim, nor is she to mine.

We’re committed to giving each other the space to be us, committed to being open minded. We’re committed to not agreeing with a set of religious rules that were written thousands of years ago by people trying to make sense of a scary world they had effectively no understanding of. We’re committed to having faith in us each being honest, and both having the self confidence to accept that honesty.

We’re committed to each other financially. We own property together, share in the paying of bills and household expenses, plan and pay for travel together.

We do draw the line at the forsaking all others part. Fuck that, too much variety out there!!!

Thanks for reading!!!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam and Kate