Spoiler Alert: Exactly What I Need

About a half hour ago, Kate returned from spending the night with Chris. As always, Clifford The Wonder Dog and myself were out in the driveway when she pulled in. Once she’s parked the car and I give Cliff the all clear, her internal spring releases and off she goes. She’s got this goofy head bobbing legs splayed out (think Elaine’s dance from Seinfleld, but with border collie energy and love) half run thing going to greet “Mommy” at the car door; it’s one of my favorite things to see.

Kate get’s out and is beaming; she knows she’s home and loved. Her first words were that as she was driving up the driveway in her head she saw Cliff’s sister Billie standing there with us. Given as of now Billie is 3 days old, that won’t happen till September, but it sounds great.

She’s fresh faced with a touch of summer freckles across her nose and cheeks, wearing a black sundress. After seeing the vision that she is, the next thing I notice is peanut butter. Like a from the pantry jar of peanut butter tucked in her purse. That and some celery was her snack as she drove over yesterday. Forget high heels and lingerie for a Hotwife date night, it’s all about the snacks for Kate.

If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous and cuckold spectrums; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

I typically don’t play with others at this point. This is my choice and decision. I get that a level of restriction from the wife placed on the husband is a fairly common thing the further on the cuckold spectrum you go, it’s just not a thing with us. I don’t feel inadequate, quite the opposite.

(ETA a couple days after this was posted….It’s my choice and decision, but it’s reflective of what I’ve learned works for Kate and I. There is an element of submission on my part with this that works for me, and subtly, for Kate as well. I suppose this is where any power exchange we have lives and breathes. Interesting topic here than I’m going to have delve deeper into. )

We did enough swinging for me to know that I’m an above center of mass husband in that world. That’s not an ego thing, it’s based on lived and observed experience. That’s probably more of an indictment of the quality of swinger husbands than any testament to my sexual prowess. If you look at it thru more of a 3rd for a hotwife lens, I’m not nearly as high up. Different dynamic, different energies at play.

I’m an introvert. Not pegged on the meter, but with a hard lean for sure. Kate on the other hand has a hard extrovert lean.

We learned over the course of intentionally swinging that despite Kate being 100% wired for non-monogamy, she at times struggled with me being with other women. This was less an issue at say a takeover or a party, and more pronounced with couples we got together with more than once. Conversley, the more time I’d spend with a woman, the more relaxed I’d be.

I never felt all the way comfortable swinging. Sure I can do it, sure I’ve had no shortage of fun, and I’m just betting we’re not finished with it. It’s work for me tho, it’s an effort. I don’t thrive or feed on the energy of a room full of people the same way that Kate does.

It’s a funny thing. We walk into a house party and I’m far and away the more comfortable for the first half hour or so. I can do the grip and grin / press the flesh thing really well. So can Kate, but she’s more reserved initially. I suspect this is a conserve her energy thing as much as anything else, like she doesn’t want to get overly involved with anyone on the first pass. When we circle back to someone that’s when our roles shift a bit.

Kate gets off on and thrives on New Relationship Energy (NRE), I don’t. It’s great, it’s fun, it feels amazing, it’s also a very exposed and vulnerable feeling thing for me. There’s no right or wrong there, it’s not a judgement thing, it’s just a difference in who Kate and I are as people. The number of people Kate has fucked a 3rd or 4th time dwindles rapidly; that’s not quite as pronounced for me.

I had fun swinging and met some truly amazing humans, there’s zero doubt about it. Our active swinging days more than doubled my “body count”, which is in the mid 30’s. I’ve had my fill.

I don’t have a burning desire at this point to have sex or be in a relationship with anyone other than Kate. Sure I could, but I don’t want to. I have zero interest in creating a single guy profle and doing the dating dance. None. Zero. So, why would I do something I have no desire to do?

I’ve had enough sex with enough amazing women over the last few years to know that Kate 100% (well, more than) scratches every sexual and relational itch I have.

I’m an adopted kid who processed that with enough bourbon to float a couple of battleships around. I kindof defined restless, irritable and discontent for decades. I’m not that way any more. I have contentment and serenity today. With the help of a lot of people, none more than Kate, my demons have been slayed.

Sure the cuck part of me gets all hot and bothered by the sexual chicanery that we get into; that’s not the driver tho. What drives this for me isn’t that she goes off to be with other men. It’s that she comes back home.

I’ve seen Kate do everything sexually except hang from a chandelier; sex swing, a couple times, no chandelier tho…..yet. Men and women, gang bangs, orgies in hot tubs. I’ve watched her walk arm and arm into a room with a stud whose cock was (literally) coke can thick with blazing lust in her eyes, and close the door. I’ve seen her exploring new sex toys with other women from across the room. I’ve watched her demurely approach James for the first time and say she wanted to play with him. I’ve kissed and hugged her, then stood at the living room window with Clifford and watched her drive away for the night more times that I can count.

I gave a natural born slut the space to be as free and open with her sexuality as she pleases; she ran with that space and freedom.

What do I get out of this?

I’m who she comes home to.

I’m who makes her coffee in the morning.

I’m who gets to go up the mountain with her and Clifford.

I’m who she shares her fears hopes and dreams with; and she’s who I share mine with.

I’m the one she sits on the front porch with watching the sun and the mist on the stream across the street.

I get the defining relationship of my life, and so does she.

I’m the one she calls when she needs something, she’s the one I call.

I thought about changing Luthan’s epic speech in season 1 of “Andor” to reflect what I get out of this. (If for some reason you’ve not seen “Andor” and it’s not on your radar, put it there. If there’s a higher quality couple seasons of anything out there, I’m unaware of what it is. You don’t need to be a Star Wars fan to enjoy it) So…..here we go….

What do I get out of this? Calm. Kindness. Kinship. Love.

I’ve arrived at a place of inner peace. I’ve made my mind a sunlit space. I share my dreams with my wife. I wake up every day to an equation I wrote 5 years ago from which there’s only one conclusion; I’m blessed for what I do. My anger, my ego, my unwillingness to yield, my eagerness to fight, they’ve all been put if not to bed, at least to rest.

I yearned to be Kate’s sexual savior without contemplating her needs and desires and by the time I looked down, there was no longer any ground beneath my feet.

What do I get out of this?

I’ve discovered the joy of other men’s sexuality shared with my wife. I see the way she looks at them. I see how she looks at me knowing how much I enjoy her sexual freedom in our relationship. The ego that opened these doors has surrendered to the simple fact of how well this dynamic works for us. I love her, and she loves me.

So what do I get out of this?

Everything!

I’m sitting in another hotel room (in the cuck chair, of all things) finishing this up. It’s 5AM Friday. I LOVE looking over and seeing the outline of Kate sleeping at times like this. It’s a little chilly in the room so she’s all snuggled in the comforter; no hint of skin, just the tousled blond hair on the pillow.

Very vanilla adventure for us. We went to a dance that a friend of her’s put on a couple states away. We did some local area exploring yesterday as well, with more to follow today. It was great fun, nice doing something purely for the joy of it.

Wow, lots of “I’s” in this one.

Thanks for reading!!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate.