We’re On The Same Team

I can’t believe that as I’m sitting here in early August of 2025, it’s been 26 years since I deployed to Kosovo. This was preceeded with a deployment to Bosnia in I think ’97. I spent a month or so in Sarajevo (pictured above) on that deployment. It was still recovering from the war at that point; wounds were still open and scar tissue was just starting to form. Sarajevo is at the top of places I’d love to have the opportunity to revisit today.

Here’s a quick history lesson about why I was there, and how it’s all going to circle around to ethical non-monogamy.

In the 90’s the mish mash that was Yugoslavia tore itself apart in a series of bloody wars. Yugoslavia was in a region known as the Balkans; broadly defined as the area to the right of Italy (well, the Adriatic Sea) and the left of the Balck Sea. Yugoslavia was founded in 1918 and consisted of: Slovinia, Croatia, Bosnia Herzegovina, Serbia, Montenegro, Macedonia, and Kosovo. As a country, Yougoslavia collapsed in 1992.

The phrase “Ethnic Cleansing” was coined during these wars. Wholesale genocide was taking place among white people in mainland Europe for the first time since the 1940’s. Amazing how short our collective memory as a species is.

To say that the Balkans ended up being a mess and proof positive of how horribly awry man’s base instincts can be twisted by religion is an understatement. I don’t want to go too deeply into this, I don’t want to over or understate it either. What happened over there 100% is something we as a species need to remember; as is what happened in Rowanda, Cambodia… it’s a long list, and as we’ve shown time and again, we forget.

The world intervened in the Balkans. The UN led a mission to keep peace in Bosnia, whereas NATO went into Kosovo a few years later. Different missions in different places. You can argue the effectiveness, but, in time, the killing largely stopped.

Yugoslavia gets the lead here for two reasons. First, I’ve spent the better part of year over there. Second, the clusterfuck that happened there gave rise to a phrase, “Balkanization”, that’s appropriate for this post.

Balkanization, according to Google AI is “the process where a larger entity, often a state or region, breaks down into smaller often hostile, and fragmented political units.”

If you’ve spent any time in the non-monogamy sphere, you may have noticed how “Balkanized” it is. People who do the same basic thing, non-monogamy, can get downright militant in defense of their 5 square feet of space.

I’m all for loose fitting labels, we as a species have used them forever it seems to pick our tribes for lack of a better way to put it. Labels can be great. When I first enlisted in the Army, labels were at once everywhere and everything, and nowhere at all.

Within the first couple days, we all had our heads shaved (and they make you pay for that to boot!!) and were all given uniforms; brand spanking new BDU’S in my era, no mamby pamby summer weights yet either. We each had a tape with our last name on one side of our tops, and US ARMY on the other side. That label defined in the lovely summer of ’84 in Ft. Dix (Just north of Ft. Nuts). It tore us all down and put us on the same playing field.

What was removed, at least initially, was any sense of identity beyond that of trainee; we were not even soldiers yet.

It didn’t take long for groups to start to form. How we labeled ourselves played a big role in how that happened.

Basic training is kinda like Heathrow or SFO (well, SFO prior to 2025) it’s a true melting pot. Everyone came from various places and bam, just like that you’re all together. Interestingly, the travel shock look in Heathrow isn’t that dissimilar to the basic training shock look.

Probably within a month, various groups started forming in our unit, I’m sure in all units. They were mainly across racial and ethinc lines, but there were also regional groups. You’d be more likely to see a guy from Boston talking with a guy from say Pittsburgh than a guy from LA.

That said, you learned pretty quickly that regardless of any other type of labeling or grouping, everyone came together in your small unit as a team to get shit done. What we had in common, being trainees, was our least common denominator. It didn’t matter what a squad mate’s skin color was, what god he worshiped, or what baseball team he rooted for. That’s not to say everyone was farting rainbows and unity ruled the day The ethnic and racial groups were still there, the common purpose trumped all else tho.

There’s no such level playing field or unity of purpose in the non-monogamous world, and that I think holds us back and is a bit of a problem.

There are alternative lifestyle people who have unified fronts. Gay men from Boston or LA seem to have zero issue finding common ground. Red Sox or Dodgers loyalty stops at waters edge. Their labeled group identity, being gay, is front and center.

Having been with Kate for a good while now, and having known her for years more, I can say with 100% certainty she has two idintites. She’s bisexual, and she’s wired for non-monogamy for lack of a better way to put it.

It’s time to have a word that says “non-monogamy” without having the negative valence to it that “non” imparts.

Non-monogamy isn’t a relationship style for Kate. It’s who she is. Just like someone is gay. It’s not a choice for her.

It’s not like she’s spending 6 out of 7 nights away from me, if anything It’s the opposite. She, like me, has a need for a core relationship around which others revolve. She needs more electrons than I do tho.

My wiring leans into the cuck side. Our relationship with that doesn’t line up neatly with what society (and the “cuck-o-sphere”) thinks it should be. Fuck em. I’m kindof tired of arguing about it.

I’m tired of the broader community “othering” more or less everyone who’s ever so slightly different from the way they are. That’s such a vanilla thing to do. No one in non-monogamous community is vanilla, but we treat any different flavor as outsiders or fringe, or whatever. We do to ourselves what society does to us.

If someone introduces themselves and says they’re gay or a lesbian, you know a couple core things about them. Ditto if someone says they’re non-monogamous.

Let’s get our community as non-monogamous (we need a damn word……) people united around that fact; there’s common ground which we share. After we establish that, then we can break out into other labels…..the gay community has Bears…..Lesbians a femme or butch….non monogamy has hotwife and poly….and so on.

I may be wrong, but ya never see the butch lesbians poo poo on members of the larger group, or other sub groups. Not the case in the non-monogamy world; Hotwives will look at poly people and say they’re crazy. Want to be ostrosized? Say you’re a cuck. I guarantee at least some people reading this who are non-monogamous cringe a bit when I use that word. Why? I’m not asking you to be one. It’s stuning the fights that can erupt in the the swinger community between “same room” and “seperate room” people. Why?

Sure, Kate and I are on the fringes to one extent or another, and the “othering” is more acute and noticeable as a result. The opposite side of that coin is we do have irons in a lot of non-monogamy fires, so we see more of it from all kinds of sources. For example, the word “cuckolding” is blocked from the Reddit Hotwife sub. Literally, you can’t type it in comment. You get the first 3 letters typed, and the entry box reds out with a messaging saying that cuckolding is better in other sub Reddits.

I get that to an extent, the mods want to keep things on topic, and cuckolding (cucks specifically) can suck the oxygen out of a space in a hurry. That said, we’re in a broadly cuckold dynamic, and Kate consider’s herself a “hotwife”, rather than a “cuckoldress”; we’re far from the only people like this.

I think it’s time for the broader non-monogamy (we need a word) community to have the reformation / Come To Jesus moment that the gay community had and realize that we’re all better off supporting each other and celebrating how we do things differently instead of othering, minimizing and deomonizing each other. Hopefully this wont require a Stonewall, but it is 2025.

We need to stop treating our team the way vanilla folks treat us.

Our community has Balkanized itself.

So, here’s your reward for making it this far. This is from an outing Clifford and I had last weekend while Kate was off with her daughters and grand babies. Cliff LOVES the water, and this is a great local-ish spot where she can really let it rip a little bit. I think large wake from her swim our is a cool contrast with the small one she’s started on the return leg. Of course, a stick was involved in this.

Speaking of pups, Cliff’s sister Bobbie is now 3 weeks old; we’re hoping we can get up next weekend to meet her and decide on which pup will actually be Billie. We’re second on the list to choose, and the first person has made her choice. We’ll see how a visit goes.

Thanks for reading, we hope you’re well!!

Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate