And An Update On Later Lessons…..
It’s the morning after the night before at Casa Da Sam & Kate.
The wonder Dog and Puppy are currently snuggled up together on the couch. Close to them the elder of the 2 local grandsons is sharing space with them. Good lad, he is. His kid brother is upstairs catching a little extra sleep. Don’t think he’s feeling great; post Christmas as a 7 year old blues, plus the crud that’s going around.
Speaking of that crud, it landed me in the ER last night. I picked something up, given the lack of other flu like symptoms I’m thinking it wasn’t flu. For a bit it felt covid like, we didn’t have a test so IDK. Whatever it started as virally, it settled into or overlapped with some bhroncitis. Given I”m not a spring chicken, it wasn’t getting any better, and lessons I think we all learned 5 years ago, it seemed the move to make to get checked now rather that wait. As it happened, that point was reached about mid afternoon on Christmas Day, so to the ER Kate and I went.
The update is after 5 days of prednisone and antibiotics, I’ve beaten the crud back and am on the mend. I don’t feel great, it’s going to take a few more days to normalize everything. Whatever it was got me pretty good. There’s a beautiful takeaway from the crud tho.
Friday AM, Kate had to run out for groceries. Kate is a foodie who loves to eat and therefore loves to cook. We’ve been gluten and dairy free (for the most part) for the last month and a half, so that’s added a twist or two. Anyway, Kate gets back and has the traditional 5 million bags of food in the car that needs to get unloaded. I staggered out and helped to the extent I could, which wasn’t a whole lot.
So I come walking in with the last of it, the kitchen (which is a small galley style kitchen) is overflowing with bags of stuff, and there’s Kate fussing with something on the stove. I look over and there’s a whole ass chicken in a pot, burner on. Kate’s mission was to get some home made chicken noodle soup into me, and she was taking no prisoners. Suffice to say it was ready for a late lunch, 100% delicious and exactly what the doctor ordered.
I’d love to know the percentage of people who start down some ENM / “lifestyle” path vs the number that stick it out and are involved say 2 years later.
I think the lower hanging the fruit, the higher the percentage. I’d guess that swingers have the highest percentage. Not that cracking the swinging code is simple or easy, but by it’s nature, it’s just not quite the heavy lift some other dynamics are. You see no shortage of people in other arenas who “started” via swinging, you don’t see many say “We started out poly and ended up swinging.”
Swinging is kindof easy button ENM for a couple reasons it seems to me.
First, for the most part it’s a couples activity. Typically you’re going to see at least close to equal interest from both partners and directed too both partners. If there’s a huge imbalance there, it’s not going to be a long term thing. It’s easier to process your wife going down on another man when his wife is going down on you kinda thing. Sure, there’s jealousy and all the other things, but you’re processing it together as a couple based on the pretty similar things you’re doing with other people. I suppose the cliche new swingers have kids that are in their teenage years and can be left alone. It’s a married couples thing, couples that have been together for 15-20 years and want to have some adventure. Not typically a boyfriend / girlfriend thing.
The big advantage swinging has is that it’s wink wink nudge nudge accepted. Everyone knows “that” couple, or has a friend of a friend who swings. It’s a social thing as much as it is a sexual thing. There’s an infrastructure of clubs and events that cater to the social instincts of swingers. Everyone we met say on our Puerto Vallarta trip was on the same basic page. You know what you’re getting with swingers.
Poly people are a different beast. In what can’t be considered a plot twist, they’re more focused on deeper emotional connection. It’s different energy. The poly community seems to be more cerebral, and has a slower burn that’s less focused on the physical.
From what I’ve seen with Kate, poly is the most difficult to quantify. Swinging and cuckolding kindof have built in 10-15 second elevator pitches, poly leans itself more to a conversation over a coffee. Her relationships with Chris, James, and Lisa to at least some extent are over years and have elements of a lot of different dynamics to them.
Cuckolding is the most difficult to break into it seems. There’s no shortage of guilt and shame that tend to go along with it, and it also is by far the dynamic with the biggest perception problem. Saying “I’m a swinger” and “I’m a cuck” are about as polar opposite energy and perception wise as you can get in the ENM world. That’s earned in a lot of ways. Cuckolding has become a catch all for all manner of submissive leaning guy kinks that don’t have another home. Honestly, there’s no shortage of times that the broader cuckosphere has Ick-d me out.
I think there’s more energy from wanna be cucks than poly and swinging combined, and then that number squared. There’s something about the cuck energy that leads to obsession pretty quickly, espicially among younger guys.
What these styles all have in common is that even tho the initial hurdle to cross is on the large side, that’s just the start. Ya see it 8 million times a day on Reddit. Someone is looking to start swinging / poly / cuckolding. The assumption seems to be that if I get my significant other on board, well, hot damn, Bob is indeed our uncle and away we go. It’s like the dog who chases a car and finally catches one. Now what.
The early energy typically flows from the genitals, the little head, not the big head. That’s great, this is sex we’re talking about after all. Back to the dog tho….you’ve fucked your neighbors wife, or bore witness to your wife getting her world rocked….what’s next? What happens when the clothes are picked up, awkward see ya later’s have happened, you’re wondering about that stain……now what.
I have zero to prove this or back it up, but I just betcha this is where it all falls apart, this is where the huge percentage of people who cross the initial hurdle collapse and run smack into the reality that they’re just not prepared for. Couples break up because they’ve got no clue what to do with all the emotions that follow fuckapaloza. The number of “how do I deal with the aftermath” posts is dwarfed by the number of the “how do I get my spouse to” posts.
This kind of thinking has a waaaaay on the nose description in recovery circles. “Ready. Fire. Aim”.
So, if you’re looking to get into this and somehow stumbled across this post, here’s the 100% official Sam & Kate advice. Go slow. Overloaded sexual circuitry can and will 100% blot out everything else and become all consuming. Do what you gotta do to get it out. Have sex with your partner, take matters into your own hands if that’s the path. Early on, never make decisions when the focus of your existence is your next orgasm.
Have conversations with your significant other at this point. Get a copy of “The Ethical Slut” and read it. Listen to an episode or several of “Normalizing Non-Monogamy” (we’re on episode 384). Make a plan for aftercare. Write it down so you have something to fall back on.
The sex is the easy part. How you deal with the aftermath will determine what comes next.
We’ve put a “couples” profile up on Feeld. Side note, it’s silly that a couples option isn’t an official option on Feeld. Anyway, it’s an adventure so far. Within hours, a guy who we’ve got history with, spotted and connected with us. We’re meeting for dinner tonight, we’ll see how that goes.
Interesting vibes, him and the situation with him and Kate was an early learning lesson for me. They had a connection that scared me and wound up exploding our “rules” era. He ended up being a big (if not THE big) reason I realized that rules I put on Kate were just silly and an impediment to progress much more so that a help. 100% an air of unfinished business with this guy, we’ll see how it goes…..potentially more to follow.
ETA….we had a great dinner, seems a very safe bet that there will indeed be more to follow….
As always, thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,
Sam & Kate
Sam and Kate 
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