When It Doesn’t Go Great

Sometimes It Be Like That

This is the longest stretch of the year for me. The glitz and energy of the holidays are over, all of the lights are down, now it’s just overcast during the day and dark waaaay too early. A nice balmy 13 F here at Casa Da Sam & Kate as I write this. I’m not a fan of January. It’s redeeming grace is that Kate’s birthday is this month.

It is nice to get the pups out for a big run with the fresh snow on the ground; It snowed a couple inches two of the last three days. It’s fun to watch them frolic in the white stuff. It’s a new adventure for Billie, who’s all of 6 months old at this point; Clifford is wiser and has a thick border collie’s coat; she adores laying in the snow. Billie has a very short very fine coat and when the running stops, she doesn’t have much use for the cold. Her and I commune in front of the fireplace (propane, our main heat source) early and often most days lately.

The Chow Hound Cats all want to get outside for a bit and go on their murderous rampages, we do our best to keep them in, tho one sneaks out from time to time. No one stays out for very long, especially with snow on the ground. Outdoor cats in the woods equal no shortage of dead small forest creatures delivered as presents to us humans. It’s nice to have a break from the sometimes Tarantino level of blood and guts the 3 of them are ever so proud to show us.

I’ve been struggling lately to get words onto page. Not sure I’d call it writers block, but it’s somewhere in the neighborhood. IDK how people who have to write professionally deal with it. It’s maddening to stare at a screen and not see words appear. Having to do that with the pressure of a deadline or something being owed has just gotta be a special kind of hell.

So, I decided at the top of the hour that I’m just going to write for an hour (I’m 10 minutes in at this point) and we’ll see what we get. Two broad themes are in my head; abundance, and when the lifestyle doesn’t quite work out the way you’d hope / like it to.

We had an experience with a new-ish to us guy and it wasn’t all the way awesome. Sometimes it goes like this. Ya never know how the connection sexually is going to be until a nipple breaks free and the bodies start doing what naked bodies do. We’ve been fortunate, especially since shifting away from swinging and leaning into hotwifing / cuckolding; the sexual experiences for Kate have by and large been more consistently positive. Not so much with this guy.

He’s a guy who leans into the BDSM side of things in theory, but I’m not sure that’s all the way right. He calls himself dominant and I put that in the BDSM box. There’s nothing wrong with kink or that vibe, it’s not our jam tho. While Kate enjoys a bit of rougher toss her around a bit and take what you want energy, she’s not into pain.

We had a dinner date with this guy, there was a clear chemistry between Kate and him (well, that’s not a shocker, she connects with most guys, and I’ve yet to meet a guy who doesn’t want to connect with her). Conversation about boundaries and expectations among other things went on over the course of the better part of a month. Kate and him had a bout of cyber sex that was new for Kate, and she had a great time with. I got along with him, we were both comfortable with him and we invited him to stay the night.

He showed up right on time, got along fantastically with the pups, who are always just beyond with joy when anyone shows up here.

The sexual energy was there and simmered along for a couple hours as we had dinner and chilled a bit.

When Kate climbed atop of him on the couch, it took off. In short order we were upstairs in the romper room. We stuck with the vibe and energy that’s been working so well for Kate and I, more on the cuckold side of the street. I stayed dressed and at Kate’s invitation joined in; she loves multiple mouths and sets of hands.

His energy was high and while that was great to start out with, it didn’t change. The flow, the give and take of a sexual encounter was kind of lost with him it seemed. He didn’t read the room or Kates body very well; he was locked into turbo mode.

During this his more aggressive, I won’t call it dominant, side came out. He got rougher than Kate is comfortable with, actually left some marks on her. I didn’t notice this in the moment. Bedroom lighting and angles conspired against me. Kate was a trooper and made the in the moment (and very skillful given the energy) decision to roll with it while trying to steer the energy another way.

There was no point where he asked if he could be more aggressive, more grabby.

In hindsight, there were a few if not red at least yellow flags that we could have paid more attention to. I’m not going to get into the specifics other than to say lessons learned.

One of our strengths (also a weakness) is that we’re both very empathetic to the human condition. We see all manner of stuff that people deal with and carry in our recovery world dealings. People not being all the way healthy and dealing with / engaging with their baggage is kindof our default position. I’m not talking about minor day to day neurosis, more the stuff that gets you medicated or earns attention from the boys in blue when they manifest too loudly. This guy had some of the latter, which we’ve normalized in our day to day lives. Not something that we need to be bringing into the bedroom. We live, we learn.

It’s not the first time one or both of us have been blinded by sexual energy and connection, and I’m just betting it won’t be the last. If I’ve learned one thing over the years it’s that you never arrive with all of this, there’s always something to be learned, always something that you miss in the moment and it shows up later clear as a bell later.

This is a point worth emphasizing. For us, the “After Action Review” or AAR is an ongoing process. We don’t have a 5 minute conversation before the sweat has dried and call it good. It’s a flow thing with us, it goes on for days usually. We both recognize not everything that needs to be processed is processed right then and there.

“More shall be revealed” is a tried and true slogan in our recovery program. Your headspace when you’re a week sober is a vastly different thing than what it will be a month, a year, a decade down the road. You learn things and experience grows filters, It’s a steady constant thing, and how something lands today is no guarantee it will land the same way tomorrow or at any point down the road. There’s no telling when something will slide smoothly or violently snap into place in your head. We approach the lifestyle like this. It’s always good to let things simmer, to talk about them over time, to be open to new angles or ways of viewing them.

Well, I started this at 0300 on the nose. It’s now 0354 and I’m getting hungry. I guess abundance will be a post further down the road.

This may be the last ever Sam and Kate post. We’re in the it’s either the apocalypse or we’ll get a inch of snow range for this weekends storm. Given the hype and hyperbole, I’m assuming no one in the eastern seaboard has a chance of survival. I mean for fucks sake, it’s January. Snow happens. Yes, this may be a big one and people more further south that typical are going to be impacted, still….

We’ll get to abundance next time.

As always, thank you for reading, be kind to yourself and others,

S & K