It’s All About Compersion

I’ve had the good fortune to travel the world, more than once. I’ve gotten decidedly off the beaten path, nowhere close to anything tourist related. I’ve met, struggled with language barriers, and broke bread with a wide cross section of humanity. I’ve had to wait at an intersection for Caribou to cross in Longyearbyen, Svalbard. I’ve been in the Taiwan rush hour traffic and the Star Wars like swarm of motorbikes. I’ve been to an AA meeting in a run-down neighborhood in Campinas, Brazil. I’ve seen squalor and opulence; I’ve seen bogs where 10 years ago glaciers were. I’ve seen locally grown rice drying on the roads in The Philippines.

The biggest gift from having seen so much of the world at such an intimate range is that it’s forced my mind open. Decades of views and preconceptions tend to melt away in the face of direct lived experience. The person I am now has no doubt been shaped by these lived experiences.

I wasn’t aware that cuckold was a word, much less a thing, until I was in my 50’s. Well, in fairness, it probably passed in and out of my head in my 40’s before I got sober, but it didn’t stick in any meaningful way; it wasn’t on my radar. That changed when I had my first direct experience with swinging and seeing Kate with another man.

How you react to that situation for the first time isn’t all that predictable. People seem to be in mortal terror of the potential jealousy aroused by seeing your significant other fuck someone who’s not you. I wasn’t expecting mortal terror at this point. Kate had already played solo with other women, so I thought I had at least a ballpark idea of how I’d react; I was confident that it wouldn’t lead to a freak out on my part. No freak out, but wow was I ever wrong. Something akin to a turn on nuclear detonation happened in my head. I wasn’t expecting to hate it, but the power and intensity was a huge surprise.

I don’t remember choosing that Daisy Duke was the hottie, as opposed to Bo and Luke. I didn’t choose to be straight; I just was. (Just in case you’re not clear on this, had Bo and Luke been the hotties, that would have been just the way I was, too.) Same thing with seeing Kate and another man; not something I chose to be turned on by, I just was. I realized quickly that my waaaaay turned on reaction likely put me in the cuckold arena. I didn’t know much about it, and struggled for a time to balance what I felt with what information was out there.

The common perception of cuckolding seems to be something like this. Spineless tepid guy manipulated and humiliated by a leather clad mean-spirited woman. The woman degrades the man at every turn and cements this by forcing him to watch her have lots of sex with other people. White woman, black man is how this typically looks. This is all sexualized by the wormy like cuck and he’s in a perpetually turned on and denied state. He has zero sex. Ever.

Kate and I don’t have much at all in common with that perception, and there was my struggle. That said, leather clad Kate is truly a sight to behold……well, as is anything (or nothing) clad Kate.

So, we broke the norms and rules about cuckolding. Kate and I decided to take what works for us with the cuckolding dynamic and leave the rest.

Cuckolding is a part of who are as a couple, it’s not the totality. We don’t engage in power exhange play as a lifestyle choice. I have every bit as much lattitude and choice in who I date or fuck as Kate does.

It turns out that cuckolding is a spectrum, and a broad one at that. Plot twist.

At its most basic level, for us, cuckolding is a manifestation of one person’s love for another, a sense of joy and pride at seeing that person being the wonderful human being that they are. Is that so horrible a thing? Is it horrible for a parent to burst at the seams over the accomplishments of their kids? Every feel joy for your partner about something they achieved?

I’d argue that anyone who engages in swinging is on the cuckolding spectrum; well, more on the compersion spectrum.. At the very least, they’re certainly not horrified at the prospect of seeing their significant other fuck someone else. I’ve yet to see a guy in swinger spaces have anything other than a smile on his face as his wife takes another man as a lover.

Compersion is a new word for a timeless emotion it seems to me. We feel it it all the time. I like it described as emhetic joy for another; you being happy makes me happy. I see other swingers feeling compersion, I see parents and grandparents as well.

Kate and I were at a swinger club pool party one day last summer. We’d been there before and have always had a GREAT time. As the day wore on, the vibe got sexier and sexier. You’d glance over your shoulder to the left and someone’s going down on someone, hips are flexing together to the right. People were playing with their partners and swapping as well.

We ended up in the pool and joined in the public-ish display of affection reindeer games. I was leaning against the wall of the pool; Kate had her back to me and we started to have sex. It was a wanton display; Kate was in full sex kitten mode. I’d damn near kill to see what Kate and I looked like from the other side of the pool. There were multiple other couples in eyesight doing more or less the same thing. (A point of order, finishing in the pool is a hard no, a rule that is universally adhered to; no one wants to swim with someone’s swimmers.)

About a year and half ago, we went to a Splash takeover in Ft. Lauderdale; we’ll be back again this fall. We’ll do a post soon about takeovers in general. The last night we connected with a couple from a western state that were about our age, and we’d see over the course of the event. They’d seen us as well; they made an approach. After some get to know you type chit chat, we all agreed that since we’re swingers, we should swing. And swing we did; quite the solid 4 way connection. We had a GREAT play session, really quite something. My orgasm, coupled with the attentions of the couples husband, kicked Kates orgasm off. Her seeing me get off, 100% triggered her to get off. To this day, that was the closest we’ve been to cumming simultaneously.

So, multiple swingers denying themselves orgasm at the pool. Same group of people, many who were swapping, not a hint of jealousy or anger to be seen. Kate gettin off on me getting off. I’m certainly biased, but I just don’t see a problem there….

For me personally, cuckolding scratches an itch I didn’t know I had. I lean submissive sexually, not exclusively, but it’s a good lean. I find Kate being with another man hugely erotic; all the more so when it’s in the same room, and I’m denied the pleasure. That’s 100% a kink I have. There’s nothing sexier on God’s green earth to me than Kate lost in sexual ecstasy. Oddly enough, she’s rather fond of that as well. Win Win.

Eroticized humiliation is generally considered table steaks in cuckolding. It’s lost on me, and Kate isn’t interested in it at all. Nothing against it, it’s just not a part of the spectrum that resonates with us.

There’s another piece of this that’s basically accepting biology and that we age. When we started as a couple, Kate could reliably have orgasms from us having regular old PIV sex. That’s evolved over time. She still orgasms with me, but it’s different. More erotic foreplay, candles and lots of oral kinda thing.

With Kate (with most women???) there is a difference between PIV orgasms and non PIV orgasms. The PIV orgasms are deeper and more primal for Kate; they’re the ones ya want. Kate is still capable of having PIV orgasms with guys who are bigger than I am. I’m a fan of Kate having as many of the most mind blowing fully satisfying orgasms as she wants to. We’ve done the work, we’re secure with each other. We’re each comfortable with her being with men who can give her those orgasms.

What a damn shame that more women don’t get the chance to explore and figure out what works for them as their bodies undergo “the change”. Gotta wonder how many “sexless marraiges” wouldn’t be that way if women were able to follow where their bodies lead them.

Kate’s spending the night with her boyfriend tonight. She’s happy about this, he’s happy about this, and I’m happy about this. There’s no further cuck play afoot than just the basic fact of her being with him. There’s a loose plan to get together later in the week with a couple we’re more than a little bit friendly with. Should we play, that will be full swap. We have a date at the end of the month, room is booked, with a guy who would in cuckold circles be considered a bull. The three of us are talking and figuring out what that will look like; we’re all confident it will be a touch further on the spectrum than the other two recent events. Is there a dotted line upon which I may sign?

Thanks for reading, be kind to yourself and others!!!

Sam & Kate