How One Open Couple Deals With and Processes Jealousy.

Kate left a hotel room after a night of swinging and slept in the car because of it. It gave rise to my discovery that iPhones don’t do well with rapid deceleration trauma when thrown in a rage at a wall. We’ve sat silent for hours across the couch because of it. It’s caused angst and hurt feelings and was the driver in all our biggest issues as a couple. It’s killed budding relationships, and driven friendships to end perhaps prematurely.

Jealousy can suck the life out of a relationship for a minute, a day, a week or forever. The shorter-term stuff is probably unavoidable, the longer-term stuff can be dealt with.

Before we go any further, a brief introduction is in order. If you’re already familiar with us, please, skip ahead. Kate and I (Sam) are a married couple whose relationship is Ethically Non Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. Our relationship is on the polyamorous spectrum somewhere; we’re also committed to each other. Kate has a boyfriend. Neither one of us is on the sunny side of 50, and this is neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in our other posts. We’re not doctors or therapists or anything other than humans trying to do the best we can in a day’s time.

To a person, everyone who’s not ENM that we’ve told of our experience has brought up concerns about jealousy. They’re afraid that they or perhaps their partner won’t be able to deal with it. It’s typically a conversation that comes up in the getting to know you phase when we meet a new couple in the lifestyle as well. It’s a very commonly experienced emotion and no one has much good to say about it.

It’s 100% natural, and it can also 100% be managed.

Before we get too far, let’s get some terms defined. For the record, ChatGPT provided these definitions. They struck us as being much better than what Google or a dictionary offered.

Jealousy is an emotion typically characterized by feelings of insecurity, fear, or resentment over a perceived threat to a valued relationship or possession. It often arises in situations where one feels threatened by the possibility of losing something or someone they value to a rival.

Envy is a feeling of discontent or resentment aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. Unlike jealousy, which involves the fear of losing something one already possesses, envy typically involves coveting something that belongs to someone else.

Yeah, jealousy sucks.

There’s no one way to experience jealousy.

Kate and I have each experienced it in different ways. For Kate, it’s typically triggered in the moment while we’re naked and in the room actively having sex with other people. My triggers (so far) haven’t been that way; I’ve been fine in the room. Mine have stemmed from Kate having phone or text contact with people in ways that were “inappropriate” at the time.

I don’t think all ENM couples have major jealousy issues. Pretty hardcore bouts of it are involved in our story. I’m sure we’re not beyond it, but we’ve learned much about how it looks in each of us, and how to manage it when it pops up. Most of all, we’ve learned that it’s not the end of the world, it really is just an emotion that can and needs to be dealt with.

Jealousy is an inside job. No one else can make you jealous, that’s 100% your job. Similarly, no one can make jealousy feel better when it arrives, that’s on you too. This is good news….. It’s your problem, and you can deal with it.

Jealousy for Kate comes from a place of not being good enough. Fear of being less than.

Kate and a previous husband had dabbled in the swinging lifestyle. They had several threesomes, typically with a friend of Kates being the third. These were all FMF threesomes.

“Back then I thought it meant I wasn’t enough. I participated because I liked the sex, but after I always felt like I wasn’t good enough.” — Kate

“I felt that the reason that he asked me to do it was that I wasn’t enough.” “This caused a lot of resentment and made me run around behind his back.” Said Kate. “We were too immature to talk about it.”

This resentment and feeling not enough left long-term impressions on Kate. As our relationship was shifting from 12 step buddies to more, she made it crystal clear to me that she had no interest in threesomes. “I always told everyone to not do it with someone you love, it’ll ruin your marriage.” Kate was adamant about me not asking for one, she said it was a breakup point. To this day, we’ve not had a threesome with another woman. We’ve had several with another guy.

In fairness, at this point it’s more about the simple logistics of the lifestyle than any lingering jealousy on Kate’s behalf. Finding a male 3rd isn’t very difficult; there’s a reason a female 3rd is called a Unicorn.

Kate’s First Bout of ENM Jealousy

We had met Lisa and Andy at a swinger party a few weeks before. This was our first house party, and wow was it one to remember. Kate ended up being at the center of a spontaneous gang bang. Lisa and Andy participated, as did I, and a good portion of Patton’s 3rd Army.

Lisa is little bit younger than us and possess a killer body. When she arrived at the party that night, I knew it was her I wanted to play with. We started talking pretty quickly, turned out the feeling was at least a little bit mutual. The party progressed and we moved to talking with other people, but our eyes kept on meeting.

After a time, Kate was recruited to go down to the play area. I kissed her and told her to have a GREAT time. Not long after that Lisa made her move. She asked if we wanted to play with her and Andy, and would Cathy be interested in her. Uhhh…..hell fucking yeah was what went thru my head, somehow I managed to keep my cool and I agreed. So, we joined what was a growing number of bodies in the play area.

Kate and Lisa looked fantastic together; they quickly found each other in the scrum and established that beautiful rhythm that it seems only 2 women lost in the moment can find. Intermixed with that was Andy, myself, and several others. It was really quite something and a new experience for both Kate and I. “I’m in my element” and “these are my people” said Kate during the festivities. Zero fucking doubt about that.

As it happened, Lisa and Andy lived fairly close to us (not a particularly common thing in our neck of the woods) and we decided that we’d like the four of us to get together sometime soon. So, plans were made, and we met up for adinner and play date a couple weeks later.

I think it’s fair to say that before we finished dinner, Kate and I pretty much knew that we’d not be seeing these two again. Nothing wrong with them, they’re decent people, just not our tribe.

So we get back to the hotel, and after a too long period waiting for someone to make a move, I eventually did. Lisa and I, Andy and Kate each got on separate beds and started playing. It wasn’t great sex, but it wasn’t horrible either. I enjoyed Lisa more than Kate did Andy.

If I have a swinger super power it’s that I have stamina. This worked against me that night. Kate and Andy finished a good bit before Lisa and I did. Seeing Lisa and I lost in the moment and enjoying each other triggered the old not good enough feelings in Kate.

Kate was fuming. Hate is a word that popped up in out later talks about this night. With Lisa and Andy sleeping and snoring on the next bed, and me knocked out on ours, Kate melted down and went out to sleep in the car. I was oblivious to this, out like a light. Eventually she came back in.

Next morning, we made a hasty exit. Kate passed it off as a not great nights sleep, I wasn’t aware of the massive jealousy issues at that point. It became clear as the day wore on that she was pretty far from OK. It took a few days, but we talked our way thru it.

Side note about this get together. We all decided to share a hotel room for the night to keep the costs down. Not a great idea we discovered. Play is one thing, sleeping and living in the same room is another. That was a mistake that we learned from quickly. The cost savings are just not worth it for us.

Sam and Jealousy

For me, it seems to stem from a lack of control. Which if you unpack it all the way gets back to a fear of abandonment I’ve had my whole life. I’m adopted. I’m afraid Kate is going to find someone better than me and leave me. Logically I know that’s not very likely to happen. Logic, unfortunately, isn’t a very effective antidote for jealousy. Tho it can help.

Control is a big piece. The unknown is another. Both stem from and are fed by fear.

My earliest ENM jealousy fit happened in what could quite possibly be the single worst place to have something like that happen; SFO airport. I was coming back from Taiwan and continuing on to Newark. I’m thinking the layover was at least a couple hours.

Back on the east coast, Kate was getting ready for her second date with a girl she met on Tinder while I was in Antarctica. I had met this woman and her boyfriend at a meet and greet before the two ladies played. That went really well, no issues. Date number two, and this time her boyfriend was going to be involved.

The agreement was that he’d not have any physical contact with Kate, just with his girlfriend. Kate thought it sounded hot, I wasn’t quite so sure about his intentions. At any rate, I agreed to it and plans were made. Kate kept me 100% in the loop, and nothing was a surprise at all. I knew I’d be in the states at the time of the date, but not quite home.

So, I land in SFO and do the customs and security thing fine. As I was walking to my gate, the jealousy came crashing down on me. I’ve since learned what me being triggered feels like, and wow was I triggered. (the process of learning that will probably not get written here, but I’d tell the story over a cuppa coffee) I had to stop and sit down; I joined the masses leaning against the acrylic wall between the walkway and the motorized thing that’s name escapes me. I know I called Kate; I think more than once. She went on her date. I could have played the veto card, but I also knew if I did, recovering from that would be a tall order. We did what by that point in our relationship we knew worked for us; we talked.

Communicating with Kate, either from across the country, or across the couch has a reliable way of centering me. She cuts thru my layers of bullshit and doomsday-ing.

After a few minutes of talking, I had a plan. I knew that reading or re-reading something was a good thing for me to do. I had the Kindle copy of “More Than Two” on my ipad, so, I re-read the chapter on jealousy. After reading that, and taking some time to focus on breathing, I felt better. The storm had passed.

The remainder of the trip went smoothly. Kate and the happy couple turned out to have a great time, and the boyfriend was true to his word.

The jealousy meltdown in SFO sucked; I’d rather not do it again. Given how early in our ENM journey this happened, it ended up being a bigger deal in couple ways than it actually was. It showed me (Kate as well) that big scary emotional disturbances and jealousy CAN be dealt with. Just as importantly, going thru it, with Kate at my side, was huge in our development as an ENM couple. It showed us that we can be real time vulnerable with each other in some really scary ways.

Jealousy manifested quite differently in us, and our responses were different as well. This points out a potential trap. It’s human nature to assume that your way is the one true way, and anything else is wrong and bordering on an attack. It’s important to be mindful of this and give your partner the grace to process stuff in the way that they need to. This can be a bitch when you’re going thru something.

How to Deal With Jealousy

Eruptions of jealousy have the pronounced tendency to put our bodies into fight or flight mode. Fight or flight is great if you have deal with a charging Rino, it’s not so great in surviving the intricacies of a modern relationship. Higher order reasoning takes a back seat to survival when in fight or flight We all likely know what this feels like physically in ourselves; I can feel my chest constricting in the moment just writing about it.

Next time you get triggered or jealous or whatever, pay attention to how it feels in your body. Are your shoulders tight? Jaw clenched? Heart pounding? Constriction in your hands or legs? How does it feel for you? Take a note of it, remember it.

My eyes typically feel beady, everything feels tighter, like a compressed spring. If a shitshow fight is going to happen, it typically starts from this place physically. If it’s a repeated pattern, which I suspect it is for most people, you can become aware of it and respond to it touch more skillfully, rather than blindly reacting.

Some of the best ways we’ve found to deal with emotional disturbances come from practices that we’ve implemented long before the event. This is an area of life that us being sober helps and spills into. Meditation, communication, listening to personal growth / spirituality podcasts, daily readings, etc. These daily practices tend to put a focus on each of us being honest with ourselves. Kate and I are incense burning, singing bowl playing wanna be western secular Buddhists at this point. What we’ve found is, much like AA’s 12 steps, that Buddhism emphasizes things that should probably be taught in kindergarten; good life skill stuff that applies pretty much universally. Enough of that soap box.

Find something to ground yourself to in the moment. This can happen a couple ways.

Flex whatever part of your body is in contact with the Earth. Wiggle your toes if your standing, clench your ass if you’re sitting sorta thing. Feel the physical connection that gravity forces upon you and the world around you.

When jealousy is raging, it can be helpful to focus on something in your environment. Take 5 seconds or so and notice the things around you, pay attention to stuff you’d normally see but look past. What color is that chair? Is the stair railing wood or metal?

Focus on your breathing for a few moments. Find the natural pause between the in and out breath. Finding that pause tends to turn down the volume knob in your head.

Rub your pointer finger and thumb fingertips together. Adjust the pressure and movement, try to find the feeling of the grooves of your fingerprints. This is a little esoteric, but once you find it, it’s a great and very subtle way focus on something physical and tangible. No one else will know you’re doing it. I feel them differently on each hand. For me, it’s more the index finger curled and the tip pointing back at my body. The top side of the index finger rubbing against bottom inside of my thumb. Play with it, adjust angles, speed, and pressure. Eventually you’ll find your fingerprints.

If there’s a big blowup or screaming match, let it pass and give each other space and time to let cooler heads show up. Maybe go to different rooms in the house for 15–20 minutes. Make a conscious effort to calm yourself down; don’t sit ruminating about whatever it is that’s going on.

We as a species tend to doomsday things, to make stuff much worse in our heads than it is in reality. Be mindful of trusting your thinking when your dander is up and you’re seeing red. Fight or flight mode thinking is designed for in the moment survival, it’s not a guide for conversation a half hour down the road.

Your partner can’t make jealousy rise up in you, nor can they make it go away. Processing it is an inside job. Removing the trigger for the jealousy (IE me snuggling a partner after sex, or making more rules about communication with other partners) may seem like the move to make. In and of itself it’s not. Looking at what the jealousy is telling you, what it’s pointing to in yourself; what fear or insecurity, and addressing that, is how to work thru it.

It takes time with some things. Kate and I paused the sexual relationship we have with the couple we talk about in this post for a couple months. In that time Kate worked thru her fears and overall ick with the situation.

What helped this process was the fact that we each really like this couple and wanted to make a relationship with them work. Kate and I had an ongoing dialog about them and how we each fell about them and us, sexually and as friends. We met with them a couple times for dinner as we went thru this stuff; we let them know what was going on as well.

The last thing I’ll say about jealousy right now is that if you’re doing anything in the ENM world, Apple Care Plus is your friend. How we learned that is a story for another time; this is already a huge (that’s what she said) post, and I’m tired of writing about it.

Thank you for reading!!! Be kind to yourself, and others!!!

Sam & Kate