Two Perils of On-Line Dating in the Lifestyle.

Suppose when I wake up one morning, Kate starts in at me right off the bat. Not a common or frequent thing, but hey, she’s human and so am I. Maybe she woke up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe Mercury is in retrograde. Who knows. She’s cranky, grumpy and just a pain to deal with. Once I get on the road, it seems that everyone behind the wheel started their days by taking dipshit pills. The young kid at work opened his mouth and stupid came spewing out. The boss rode my ass all day like he paid for it.

What’s more likely, that the world has gone crazy and lost its shit, or that I’m the asshole? If everyone I cross paths with is a major pain in the ass, that’s a solid indicator that probably the only asshole I’ve encountered that day is the one looking back in the mirror.

I’ve seen a good number of posts lately, both here and elsewhere, that are man bashing. This very post will get to that part in a little bit as well. Men, especially in the relationship and sex areas are very clearly not perfect and need to be called to task. So do women.

Broadly, the themes seem to be that men are pigs, men expect sex and think they’re entitled to it, men are abusive assholes, men lie cheat steal and manipulate to get the one thing they want. All these things are true to varying extents for sure.

That said, if this is all you’re finding out there as a woman on whatever dating or hookup app, look in the mirror honey; men aren’t the only problem.

Here’s the skip over it if you already know us / introduction to us paragraph. Kate and I (Sam) are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in an AA meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you like to contact us.

Kate is up for a week now on a new hookup app. She’s met 2 guys for coffee so far. She’s talked to 25–30 others for a bit more than a just a “hi”. She has full face pics up; pics from normal life that work and make sense. There’s some cleavage in a couple, but it’s not there for its own sake. There’s no thirst trapping in her pics or in the “about” section of her profile.

One coffee date was at a McDonalds, the second at a diner; both were at 9:30–10 AM; not a whole lot of pretenses from Kate or the guys. Each guy was wearing a collared shirt and dress pants; they were professionals stealing away for a coffee. Kate looked the same, like she was going to work after the coffee. Kate spent more than an hour with each. One she’s got a plan to hook up with next week, the other relationship seems likely to die on the vine.

These are Hotwife hookups. Every guy she’s talked to on the site knows she’s looking to fuck. No illusions or deceptions. Kate’s looking for basic human connection, and if that’s there, and logistics can be arranged, naked horizontal time. There’s been one guy who got shitty with her because she didn’t send nudes instantly or make herself available that day to fuck him. One guy.

Ladies, (well, guys too) if you’re out there with a hundred different thirst traps in your profiles, who do you really think you’re going to attract? Sure, they’re great marketing strategies to drive traffic to Insta or a pod, but perhaps recalibrating a bit might work out better for meeting real people while searching for real connections.

Authenticity sells in the dating / hookup world. Be you, be honest and be real. There is nothing authentic about a thirst trap; the word trap is the giveaway there. Kate is as slutty a woman as you’re likely to find on any site, she’s also unapologetically and authentically her. There’s an unspoken air of confidence with Kate that stems from this authenticity. Even on the sites, with just text and pixels, people sense and respond to that.

There’s plenty of general bad behavior to take men to task for on the sites; read on for some. That said, it takes two to tango and it’s never a bad idea to take a hard honest look at yourself. If you’re playing a game, don’t blame guys for playing a game back.

Ghosting is a common problem that happens when meeting people online. You hear people talking about it on various podcasts, and you’ll hear people talk about it at clubs and parties. We’ve experienced it several times. It sucks.

In the broader lifestyle context, ghosting refers to being left high and dry at a meet. Plans are made, dates and times arranged, and then a no show. For us, ghosting is final. If someone ghosts either or both of us, we have no further contact with that person.

Life happens, and we all have cell phones or iPads or whatever. Call if something pops up and you must cancel, even last minute. This is always a bummer, but again, life happens.

Last summer, Kate and I were planning to go a nudist resort (Sunny Rest, in Palmerton PA) for the weekend with another couple. We Venmo’d them our half of an Air BnB weeks prior. The morning of the big day, Kate woke up sick as a dog. We called our friends, who were already in the car, and said we were going to have to cancel. Everyone was bummed, but they went anyway and had a great time.

We’ve since grown a wonderful relationship with this couple and have spent many nights, in many positions, with them. We have a loose plan to get together again I think next week. They’re John and Beth, we’ve talked about them in several posts.

It would have been a wholly different scenario had we not called to cancel.

We’ve never had a couple, or single girl ghost us. In our experience, ghosting is a single guy phenomenon. I’m sure that it happens regardless of gender or relationship status. That said, everyone we’ve talked to has had similar experiences when being ghosted; 95% of the time (totally made up number, it’s probably higher anyway) it’s a guy doing the ghosting.

More than once guys have been texting till 10–15 minutes prior to the scheduled meet. “I’m on my way”, “I just got off the interstate” kind of thing. Then…….nothing. First time this happened, we were legitimately concerned that they guy got into a wreck and was injured. Not the case; I googled and searched the news the day after.

There is a segment of the population that seems to get off on stringing people along and ghosting. Is it a kink of some sort? It’s certainly something that’s more common than some kinks we’ve heard of. We’re not typically ones to kink shame, but we’ll 100% throw shade on this, if it’s a thing.

Is it that a segment of the guy population is just scared of the booty? I get that an MFM threesome may not be everyone’s idea of a good time. If it’s not, why start down the road in the first place? Kate has been ghosted on solo Hotwife encounters as well.

Kate and I are clear and upfront about what we’re looking for and negotiate with each potential partner (or partners). We’re flexible and roll easily with most things. If we’re not your cup of tea, that’s more than fine. This is how we’ve found most folks in the lifestyle as well. We’re not all that scary, and ghosting is just a shitty thing to do.

Interesting weekend for us. Kate’s leaving this morning for a few days to go on a silent retreat. This is a side of us we haven’t talked about yet; we’re knee deep Buddhists. Over the years it’s just kind of where we’ve landed; it fits. When we were dating, we had lots of time apart due to my then job and the sometimes months at a time international travel that came with it. This weekend will be the first multi night separation for us since right before Covid. I’m sure Clifford The Wonder Dog and I will get out for multiple big runs. I’ve got a new guitar that I’m looking forward to exploring. Maybe I’ll put a thirst trap profile up on a site and see what happens…..

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate