Society’s, not Ours

Cuckolding has an image problem or several. Kate and I have been around long enough and in enough ENM spaces to know that people’s reaction in general comes from the word rather than whats actually involved with it.

Of course, there are also a few specific things in cuckolding’s world that rub people if not wrong, not right either. We get that and have traveled the long and winding road with the various elements of cuckolding. We’ve found that none of the stereotypical problems or concerns people have with it have translated into reality. There’s a lot of assumptions and fear it seems around cuckolding, we’ll try to address some of them in this post. To be clear, we talk about our experience with it, if you cuckold differently, we’d love to hear from you!!

By way of an introduction if you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

Here’s how Kate and I defined cuckolding in our Lifestyle Dictionary post:

A one way open relationship where the wife has sex with other men and the husband’s sexual activity is restricted. Often includes elements of eroticized humiliation for the husband, as well as elements of power exchange.

What Kate and I have found is that it’s a spectrum, not an absolute. Cuckolding is a piece of our relationship, not the totality of it. Here’s how we each approach it.

Since I’m writing, me first. I get off on Kate getting off. There’s nothing that turns me on as much as when she’s with someone else. This can be with a male, female, or a couple.

I’m an adopted kid, and the resultant fear of abandonment has shown up in a variety of ways over the years. Knowing that Kate and I each have enough confidence in our relationship to give her the space to engage sexually with other people, and she’ll come home to me is powerful. In my world, this is as loving as it gets; it fills my bucket. My sense is that in some ways, it’s sexualized immersion therapy.

There’s also the porn aspect. The woman I love being fucked in ways I just can’t, and being brought to places I can’t bring her. More about this part in a couple paragraphs.

For Kate, it’s about the connection with someone new that leads to (hopefully) explosive sex. Kate doesn’t have a monogamous bone in her body and is a fan of ENM in all its various guises. She struggled with fairness concerns for a time; how is it fair that she gets to play, and I don’t. Over time she’s become more comfortable with where I am on the cuckolding spectrum. With Kate it’s about sharing her humanity and sexuality with someone else, it’s not anonymous, there needs to be a connection of some sort first.

Like Kate, many people have fairness concerns with cuckolding. It took us a while to work thru this. On the surface it seems legit. It makes sense if you’re looking at your relationship and keeping score, or view it is an equal barter type system. If that works for you, Bob’s your uncle. We think you’re missing at least some of the boat. Kate being with other people fills a sexual need that I have. Kate being with other people fills a sexual need she has. We’re each getting our needs filled. Where is it unfair?

Getting to that point, realizing that, took work. I struggle to express what I want sexually, and nothing has been more difficult to convey than how me not getting it while Kate does, works for me. At the end of the day, again, we’re each getting needs we have met.

Far as common points, neither of us are interested in what’s typically portrayed in cuck porn, it’s much more nuanced than that overly stylized genre. We’re in it for the smiles and joy, the humiliation is lost on us. I do get off on her being with bigger guys than me, I don’t find that at all humiliating, it’s very connective for us.

Here’s a plot twist for ya, and it’s shocking, I know. Porn doesn’t accurately reflect real sex in the real world. Cuckolding porn is among the worst in this regard; for Kate and I anyway. There’s a prevalent theme the cucked husband is weak and wimpy. Porn feeds this, as does pop culture and parts of the current political climate. Nothing could be further from the truth. I don’t see how having the confidence needed in yourself, your spouse, and your relationship to afford cuckolding is weak. It’s exactly the opposite.

There’s not a huge power exchange element to us when we’re doing a cuckolding night, that’s evolving it seems. Kate’s expressed an interest in exploring more of the kink world, both top and bottom, there’s decidedly a few ways to sprinkle that into cuckolding.

Anyone who’s spent any time in swinger spaces knows the “GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF MY WOMAN!!!!!” Energy just isn’t there. We’ve been around the block a time or several and have never seen it. Sure, it’s not an absolute, and there’s bound to be a couple here and there where that is seen. It’s rare.

What is seen is smiles and joy; lots of both. Couples celebrating the sexual experiences they have with others. There’s very little ick, shame or remorse. Jealousy tends to be a phase that new couples work thru and flourish thru. If they don’t, you don’t see them around any more. Most couples we know get thru it.

Compersion, loosely defined as finding happiness in your partners sexual pleasure, is a thing in swinging spaces, 100%. Yet, even in the swinger crowd, cuckolding is viewed as an outlier. Spouses getting off on and having joy at their partners sexual adventures isn’t limited to the cuckolding world at all. The same thing that’s celebrated when there’s 4 people involved is somehow weird (well, the cucked husband is weird) when the number of people involved is reduced to three.

Does it mean you’re gay? No. Bi? No.

Male on male contact can be an element depending on what everyone is comfortable with. For me, it feeds into a submissive streak that I have. In this (cuckolding) context, it’s not my place to ask or object either way. I have no issue with bi play in an MMF threesome, however that looks. Regardless, it will be talked about before hand.

The elephant in the room, and something sure to make people uncomfortable, is cuckolding’s interracial component. It’s certainly not a requirement, but it’s common.

Black man, white woman seems to be the defacto definition of interracial sex. We’ve had cuckolding experiences with black and white men, regular MMF threesomes with both as well. We’ve learned that race is a predictive factor as to if Kate will be orgasmic with someone. It’s not a guarantee at all, but it’s an observable pattern. On balance, Kate has found black men to be better lovers. This is a deeper thing than skin color.

Like everyone, Kate has a type, so do I. Further, we as a couple who enjoy MMF threesomes and cuckolding, have a type. We look for someone who’s intelligent and has an emotional range that’s registerable. We’re looking for confidence without being cocky. We put an effort into our lifestyle chicanery, so we look for effort as well. We value openness and engaging conversation. We look for guys who have been around the block and aren’t likely to be flakes. We look for someone who understands having the dominant sexual energy in a room doesn’t equate to being an asshole. We look for someone who understands that cuckolding is a three-way relationship. Finally, we prefer “hung” men when engaging in cuckolding.

I’m sure there are reasons for this that are beyond me, but we’ve found more black men than white men that tick these boxes. Yes, there is a taboo factor as well.

This isn’t to say that black men in the lifestyle are perfect and white men needn’t bother. We’ve had amazing experiences with both, we’ve been flaked on by both; people are people. That said there are reasons for the black man white woman stereotype in cuckolding that are both legit and beyond skin color deep.

Is it a kink? Is it a fetish? Yes, and no. The kink part is easy for me to see; it’s non-conventional. Is it as kinky as a BDSM dungeon? Who’s to say. Upon what scale would that be measured anyway?

I’ve seen it said that some view cuckolding as fetishizing black men, and I’m sure that’s out there. In our experience, for us, that’s too narrow a view. I like how a NY Times article from a few years back expressed the difference. Kink is “the use of props, costumes, and role play to enhance partner intimacy” whereas a fetish “is when the props, costumes, and role play replace the partner and the intimacy”. Going by that, it’s 100% a kink but far from a fetish for us.

Can’t not share one of my favorite jokes….What’s the difference between erotic and kinky????? Erotic uses a feather, kinky uses the entire chicken….😂😂

Last thing on this, it’s like any other preference. Some people prefer a woman with larger breasts for example. That’s not to say they have a litmus test or will pass on a perfect A cup. It’s the person who’s under the boobs or skin color that matters the most.

Seems a good place to stop.

Thanks for reading!!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate

PS….If you’ve made it this far, please take a moment and clap (once, or up to 50 times) for this post. It’s feedback for Kate and me, (comments and highlites are always welcome too!) and helps push the story up algorithmically. Thanks!!!