We’re Not New Anymore, But Still Have Them

On to November. I think the biggest blessing of the calendar flipping months is there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for the never-ending political spam calls and texts. I’ve had the same number for a long time, since maybe ’08 or so, and despite being on every do not call list, it’s a daily game of whack a mole.

If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous spectrum; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

Way back in our very first post here we talk about how our ENM adventure effectively started while I was in the middle of a couple month stint in Antarctica. Zero star yelp review for Antarctica BTW, at least in the context of having to live there for a fairly extended period. Neat to visit, probably the coolest place I’ve been, but not interested in a return trip.

That trip was 5 years ago; as I write this, 5 years to the day from Kate messaging me “So I have to tell ya…. when I was all horned up earlier…. I checked out that tinder site for bisexuals. 🤦‍♀️🙄.” It wasn’t a plot twist, but it was a surprise if that makes sense.

Sitting here sipping coffee as I write this and I got to thinking what’s been the biggest surprise since then. For me, I’d have to go with two things. First the extent to which I’d get turned on by Kate being with other people. More than just turned on, the extent to which that completes my sexual being, the missing piece I never knew was missing. The second thing would be, and remains, how difficult it is for a two non-monogamous women to connect. Anyway, that’s early morning rambling.

The last post about newbie questions got us both thinking about what our questions are at this point. There’s always questions, but they’ve changed over time. I suppose it’s kindof in line with the evolution of rules, boundaries, and agreements.

Initially, the questions were straight forward and the rules very linear. Lots of questions about specific things, lots of rules governing specific things and actions. Both the questions and rules seem to have guided us along the path in similar manners.

Like most couples opening up, we were scared and unsure of how to deal with the big feels that were popping up. Kate and I were also a new-ish couple at this point which was both a blessing and a curse.

Blessing because we didn’t have baggage (for lack of a better way to put it) like kids and decades of shared property to contend with. With kids, decades of together time, and common property / friends, there’s a bigger risk for sure.

The downside was we didn’t have the familiarity with each other that more established couples have. We were still learning each others subtleties and unspoken cues. We were still in the getting to know each other phase. This was mitigated by us being sober buddies and having spent several years going to the same meetings.

As we started to get our feet wet in the lifestyle, our list of rules started long and got bigger.

I remember one time Kate was meeting the guy part of a couple for the first time; she’d already met female half. Her and I agreed, well, more to the point I dictated, and she agreed, that the meeting would be an hour. Well, it got to 65 minutes, and I was on the phone. I told her I was concerned for her safety, but given they were in a very public restaurant that was bullshit. It was control. I wanted to be in control of the situation.

Maybe an analogy about this phase would be bumpers in a bowling alley; guides to keep us on our path. They’re needed. Much like little kids would get frustrated by every ball going in the gutter, we weren’t ready 5 years ago for more than the bare minimum of risk in our relationship as we opened up. I mean, that process is risky enough as it is, the rules / bumpers kept us out of too much trouble. Well, at first.

Something that I discovered early on (and the restaurant story was a big piece of the puzzle) is that while they sounded great on the surface, rules and I didn’t much get along. I’m a recovering linear thinker and I pushed fear-based rules that were severely limiting on Kate, espicially as she started playing solo. I got wrapped up way to tightly on the rule following and forgot about everything else. Very similar to the so-called Christian’s who grasp and cling to one or two passages and ignore the rest.

I recognized that for this to work, I had to change. Kate saw this as well.

It was unfair for me to tell her to go bravely forth and be herself, while at the same time insisting that she do it my way. One hand telling her here’s your freedom, the other saying so long as it’s exactly how I want it to be.

Some of the questions we ask haven’t changed much over the years, but our answers and the places those answers come from have.

Kate, for example, still struggles from time to time with fairness.

Last night, with my head in her lap, and Clifford the Wonder Dog snuggled up on my chest (it was crowded on the couch for sure) Kate asked how it was fair she gets to have all this wild sex and I don’t.

The fairness question is something we’ve talked about perhaps more than anything else over the last 5 years. I’m sure we will continue to mainly because we’re constantly evolving, and that evolution, at least physically, focuses more on Kate.

Kate, and @sifu are perpetually worried about if how we go about the lifestyle is fair to me. It is, but, and this may be a bigger but then I realize, I’m on the cuckold spectrum. That aspect of my sexual personality goes against several layers of convention, and it’s a difficult thing to explain to people who aren’t wired this way. Suffice to say, it’s fair.

Questions also tend to pop up from the simple fact that we’re human, and human shit happens. If either of us are having a disturbance in the force in other areas of our lives, that can manifest in lifestyle uncertainty or feeling less than great about it all.

For example, this past week, we had a grandkid in the hospital for a few days with stubborn pneumonia. He’s fine now, but that was a stressful few days, complete with a 3 AM wake up call, and multiple runs to the 45 minute away hospital.

The grandkid thing took headspace and processing power from us both. None of us have an instant on extra capacity to process extra things as they pop up, that capacity comes at the expense of other headspace things.

We’re headed to a traditional swinger hotel takeover this weekend. It’s a “Silver and Spicy” event, the crowd is all 50+. The theme of the weekend is the ‘70’s. Kate has one outfit that includes a lime green tube top under an honest to God shirt from the ‘70’s. I’ll have STRONG Denny Terrio game, as well as an outfit that screams 1977 office worker. More to follow….

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others~!!!

Sam & Kate

PS….If you’ve made it this far, please take a moment and clap (once, or up to 50 times) for this post. It’s feedback for Kate and me, (comments and highlites are always welcome too!) and helps push the story up algorithmically. Thanks!!!