It’s Time To Re-Frame It

Two things sure to get peoples dander up are discussions of what U2’s best album is, and cuckolding. Well…..Gen X’s dander anyway. I don’t know that the younger generations or boomers give all that much of a fuck about either.

In case you’re unaware, and bear with me please if you’re not… “Rattle and Hum” was an album U2 released in 1988. The first track is a cover of “Helter Skelter” by The Beatles. This song had the grave misfortune of becoming the moniker for the race war that Charles Manson desired to start back in the 60’s.

I don’t recall “Helter Skelter” being mentioned in the Tarintino movie “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”, but the Manson family plays a major role in the film. Back to U2…

Bono, as the Rattle album gets going, says of Helter Skelter “This is a song Charles Manson stole from the Beatles, we’re stealing it back.” Well, I’m no Bono, Beatle, or Manson, but I’m going to try to steal cuckolding back from the unfortunate position it currently holds.

Before I steal it back, being the good Gen X’er that I am, I do have an opinion on U2’s best album. Yes, it’s the correct opinion…….War.

If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous and cuckold spectrums; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

It’s human nature to tell stories about something to make it fit into our view of the world. Cuckolding is no different. People layer stories about power exchange, weak men, dominant women, humiliation, various kinks and fetishes on top of it.

At its core, cuckolding as it exists today is a wife or girlfriend having sex with someone who isn’t her husband or boyfriend, and everyone involved being on board, in the open, and a fan of that. Period. Full stop. That’s it. Anything more than that is a story layered on top of the core. Yeah, I suppose the open part is a stroy I’m telling.

Cuckolding has become a container for sexual interests and activities that don’t have another home. I’d argue that most stereotypical “cuck” relationships are actually some sort of D/s relationship that cuckolding is incidental to.

There’s no requirement for a dom / sub thing, power exchange or humiliation in cuckolding.

Cuckolding is the gateway drug to ethical non-monogamy. Even the horniest stud out there who’s looking to swing like it’s 1977, is more than ok with “sharing his wife”. To be clear, “sharing your/ his / my wife” is cuckolding spelled differently.

Swinging doesn’t exist without cuckolding. Period. I’ve never, not even once, met a swinger husband who wasn’t thrilled to see his wife having sex with another man. While neither are overly common, it’s decidedly not a shock to see a husband at a swinger party having a drink upstairs while his wife is downstairs in a blur of sexual activity. Not nearly as common for the wife to be upstairs and the husband down.

It’s not a huge surprise to say that womens sexual response is different than mens. Guys, we’re blessed (cursed??) with being fairly simple. Grab almost any guy with a greased-up hand and move it up and down a bit, and he’ll get off.

Women are blessed (cursed??) with being decidedly individualist in their response. What gets one woman off is no guarantee to get another woman off. That my energy and physicality isn’t enough for Kate isn’t something to be ashamed of or humiliated about, it’s just what it is. There’s no one guy who can be everything for Kate, or most women if we’re honest.

I think a part of what freaks a good number of men out when it comes to cuckolding is knowing the reality is the exact opposite of the perception. I KNOW how much effort, work, and strength it takes to be confident and comfortable with the one you love most being free to express her sexuality as she sees fit. Much like homophobia points a pretty clear light on the phobic person themselves being interested in homosexuality, my sense is that the guys who rail about cuckolding wish they had the strength and relationship needed to engage like this.

Another part is acceptance of the simple fact that you’re not enough. Of course, none of us are enough on our own, for anyone. We physically cannot be everything for anyone. Think you are? Who generated your electricity or changed your oil, maybe manufactured the screen you’re reading this on. Did you pour the roads you drive on? Guys, can you breast feed a baby? None of us meet all of our own needs, much less anyone elses.

We’ve evolved into an interdependent species, not a solitary one; that’s the reason we’re at the top of the food chain. And we’re supposed to bow to the story this society tells as it cheats at the astronomical rate it does, while frowning so mightly upon those who willingly open the door for their spouse, kiss them, slap them on the ass and tell them fuck their lover like they stole them? God, what an epic run on sentance.

I have no fear of the men Kate fucks. I’ve seen, from RIGHT THERE what it looks like for Kate to be fucked in the way she wants and needs to be. What part of that indicates that our relationship isn’t strong, or that I’m weak? It’s the opposite, and when you get past the stories, it’s kind of like seeing the sun at high noon on a clear day.

What’s also lost in all the volume and over the top energy around cuckolding is that it’s first and foremost about her and what she wants. Kate’s not a domineering or dominant person by any stretch of the imagination. She struggles with some of the more kink flavored aspects of cuckolding, also with the whole “cuckholdress” vibe and energy. Kate’s a crazy hair, fresh faced wearing flip flops kindof girl, who can and does take a lot of pride in her appearance at the same time. She’s not an over the top woman. Why in the wide wide world of sports should she bend to a story that someone else is telling instead of honoring her truth?

There is something primal about a woman having sex. All the more so when it’s on her terms and it’s in the manner she likes. Kate likes being thrown around a little bit, likes the bad boy energy, the guy taking what’s his sort of thing. That’s just not my personality. Sure, I can channel that energy, and do, from time to time, but it’s not my default.

Kate and I have grandkids stay the night a couple times a week. It’s a make logistics as simple as possible thing as much as anything else. Getting the kids to the bus in the morning typically falls to me; again, it’s logistically simple. Just now, as Clifford (who MUST be in the car for the trip to the bus stop) and I were returning home, Kate drove past us and gave a honk.

I may not be the guy who can send her into orbit sexually, but our sex is connective and nourishing. I’m the steady life partner she needs, and I’ve got the space for her to have those other guys in her life. Where or what am I loosing? Where or what is Kate loosing?

I’m stealing our story back; do the same for yours!

(Heads up for those interested. We’re considering making a platform change. We’ll do our best to let you know what that looks like and when, but given this ins’t our platform, we can’t promise anything. If you’d like to stay in contact with Kate and me, I suggest you subscribe to get our stories, or send us an email at sam.kate.enm@gmail.com)

Thank you for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate