You Can’t Always Get What You Want

 

Here’s some stuff that Kate and have been talking about this morning….

-16 Fahrenheit (-26.6 Celsius) is a disgusting temperature to wake up to in the backyard.  Sure, in some parts of the world this is as normal as breathing, Casa Da Sam and Kate isn’t one of them.  Yesterday bottomed out at -10. 

One advantage of the cold is I ended up being the meat in a Kate / Clifford sandwich when we went to bed last night.  Clifford typically sleeps in a different room, not last night; she jumped up on my side, laid down, and pushed herself into me. Kate, as is our winter pattern, was pulled in close against my back.  It was great, and I fell asleep like this. 

We’re borderline crazy cat people, until yesterday we had 4, all of whom have been called Chow Hound Cat in here at one time or another.  This morning there’s only 3.  We had to perform the debt of honor owed to pets by those 2-legged folks who share their lives with them; we had to put one down yesterday.  Heidi was a grand old gal, a petite cat who ruled the other animals with an iron fist.  She took no shit from anyone.  Tho when The Chow Hound Cat was a kitten he pushed her to the brink.   Heidi was the only pet that pre-dated Kate and me.

Upstairs, the guest room has a pair of grandkids sleeping.  It’s amazing how well kids sleep.  They’re here a couple nights a week and are decidedly on the low maintenance side for us. The older is just entering the minefield that is puberty, so we’ll see how that progresses.

Point of saying all this is to illustrate that we’re regular normal everyday people who deal with normal regular everyday stuff.  The lifestyle, and conversations about it, fit in and around regular life. 

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If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous and cuckold spectrums; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

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Kate and Oscar are planning to take good advantage of their new relationship tomorrow.  Their work schedules lined up to make an opportunity for a noon time romp in the hay possible.  It’s sooooo nice that she has a playmate who’s only 15 minutes away. 

Our conversations about something new sexually, logistics for a play date, the death of a loved pet, or coordinating the grandkids schedule with their mom are the same at this point. 

Sure, we’re not going to talk fuck buddies and lifestyle when other people are around, that’s about the only difference. 

Over time, what was at one point a borderline impossible discussion has become as routine and easy as talking about the weather.  What I smashed a phone against the wall over is now as easy as talking about what’s for dinner.

Hard conversations can be scary.  That’s ok. 

A human trait is to create more problems than there really are in certain circumstances.  We’ve all no doubt experienced the phenomenon of something not being as bad as we think it’s going to be, probably multiple times.  It’s one of those things that when it happens, and the dust settles, we invariably say to ourselves something like “well, I did that again”.  Try to do that part before having the conversation you’re dreading.  Take a moment and play back thru your own lived experience, I’m betting you’ll see the its worse in your head than in reality pattern. 

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We’ve found that sometimes bigger talks can be better served by doing them via phone call or text.  Sure, texting or emailing can lack in intimacy.  The tradeoff is they can be more clearly communicated, more deliberate and intentional.  Text or email are a great way to help keep heads level and cool…assuming you don’t text unskillfully.  “You’re a dumb motherfucker” or something like that isn’t going to help via text.  Also, be aware that your texts and email’s live on, added motivation to be level and clear. 

At some point, you’re going to have to cowboy up and just do it. We as a species aren’t mind readers (thank God) so we’ve got to open our mouths and speak our truth. The hardest talk I ever had was when I separated from my ex. 

I knew that I was going to create a huge disturbance in the force, for my ex, our kids, our extended family.  Clearly a big thing like this was a face-to-face talk, in this case one that I knew was going to end with me leaving.  I don’t think I did it perfectly, tho I don’t know if there’s a perfect way to have that conversation.  That was many years ago and the dust has settled.  My daughter says of her mom and I, “we had a mostly successful marriage that ran it’s course”

That was me doing what was right and best for me, it was a choice I made for me.  My ex didn’t agree. This was an individual decision of mine that impacted us. 

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If you’ve got this kind of mindset going into a conversation about opening up or expanding on your relationship, you’re wrong.  There’s nothing about being in a ENM relationship that is a one-way street, it’s not one partner making the decision for the other. Opening up is decision for a couple, not an individual. An individual can opt out of something, but a couple has to decide together to opt in.

This is a hard truth but it’s a truth; you may want to be open or cuckolded or a dom or whatever with every fiber of your being, that doesn’t mean you spouse / SO wants it.  Anyone who’s been around the lifestyle has seen a couple where it’s pretty clear the other doesn’t want to be there.  That energy, even if you look like the 20 something hardbody Instagram influencers, is toxic and will push people away from you. Your partner doesn’t owe you this. I’ll repeat that point.  Your partner doesn’t owe you swinging, cuckolding, the “lifestyle” or whatever.  

There’s no shortage of books, videos, and podcasts that talk about clearly communicating with someone else.  (Kate and I are interviewed in episode 384 of the “Normalizing Non-Monogamy podcast) If you’re wanting to have the opening up talk, take some time, do the homework, and become knowledgeable about communicating (as well as how various types of ENM looks).  Given it’s the information age and everyone is hawking something, I’d suggest having your bullshit filter turned on.  Pay attention to what sounds like it would be useful to your relationship.  That might not be clear on the surface, but after a 20 minute listen.  Do the work. Make hearing and reading different voices a part of your daily routine.

Kate and I have made a habit of each of us listening to the same episode of a podcast during the day and having a discussion about it later. It’s a reliable way to generate conversations that tend to go places you wouldn’t have gone without listening to the podcasts.

Don’t have the talk when the kids are screaming, the bills are due, the washing machine just broke, or you’re out for your anniversary dinner.  Find or make a quiet lower stress environment, give your partner a heads up that you want to talk about something, don’t go from zero to light speed in an instant. Kate and I will tell the other we need to go to “Uncomfortable” Island later.  This sets the stage, and gets headspace right for a serious conversation.

Don’t beat around the bush or drop hints.  Be clear what you’re wanting to talk about.  Sure, it might be uncomfortable, but clarity and brevity are your friends.  Perhaps go less “hey babe, what do you think about us fucking other people” and more “remember that episode of “That 70’s Show” when Red and Kitty went to the swinger party” as your opening move. 

A lighthearted tone is better than a testifying before congress tone.  This stuff is supposed to be fun, remember??

If it gets heated, and you’ll have to monitor for this, take a break.  Physically separate from each other for 15-20 minutes, let the temperature cool down and your bodies self-regulate.

Intimacy begets intimacy.  There’s more than one type of intimacy.  Take the time to intentionally create some with your partner before hand.  We all know what our spouse likes and how they like it, do those things.  Have a vulnerable conversation about something other than fucking other people, get the intimacy muscles pumping.  If the pumps are primed, the conversation will be more genuine and authentic and feel less angsty and like a competition.

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A word about porn.  Tread carefully.  Some circles suggest having your spouse watch something and then talking about what you just watched.  Well, there’s a difference between what could be used as OB-GYN school biology closeups and soft focus panorama shots. Porn can convey sexual concepts, but it’s not a documentary or how to. If your spouse has body image issues, saying let’s do this while people with porn star bodies are doing porn star stuff…..well, that isn’t going to land well.  Less is more when it comes to porn.

Be realistic about your expectations, don’t go in with both barrels blazing, do the work before hand, be kind and gracious, communicate clearly. 

The goal of the conversation isn’t getting the answer you want. The goal is creating enough trust, clarity, and safety for both people to communicate their truth.

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Bit of a time warp now. This was published 18 months ago, It’s August 2026 as I type this conclusion. This post had some structural / web site issues and instead of deleting and reposting, I decided to basically edit and re-post in place.

What was interesting to me anyway was how little I felt I had to change. I’m a much bigger fan of new S & K posts than I am older ones, this one read pretty decent to me. Believe me, no one’s a harsher critic of this than me.

It’s quiet at the moment here at Casa Da Sam & Kate. We spent all day yesterday re-doing the kitchen / bathroom floor, and we’re both wiped out. I took a 90 minute nap, after that Kate came up and we spent some quality naked time on the bed. As I type this, It’s Kate taking the nap, Clifford is up with her. Billie conked out on the couch in the other room, and the Chow Hound Cats (still 3 of them) are either sleeping or hunting small forest creatures. One of them got a weasel last week. That was a plot twist for sure. Outdoor cats and living in the woods can be an adventure…..

Thanks for reading!!! Be kind to yourself and others….

Sam & Kate