It’s Who We Are

Here’s breaking news or perhaps a plot twist for some folks: women, maybe not all, but a damn good percentage of them, have a sexual capacity and appetite that puts men to shame. Don’t buy it? Read “Sex at Dawn” or enter “Gang Bang” into the PornHub search bar.

Kate has just such appetites and capacities; a thirst for a variety of intimate one on one human contact, sexual and nonsexual. The Hotwife space gives her the opportunity to fully express herself sexually, in the ways she chooses to. It’s a beautiful thing, not something to be feared or scared of.

This is going to be a mish-mash post. Some stuff I’m writing right now, other stuff I’m pulling from the vast Sam and Kate archives. The broad theme for this is Kate being a Hotwife and how that looks for us as individuals, as well as in the context of our marriage.

If you’re reading us for the first time……Kate and I are a married couple in our 50’s whose relationship is Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM). We’re swingers, our marriage is open; we have sex with other people. We’re in a committed relationship, and somewhere on the polyamorous and cuckold spectrums; Kate has a boyfriend (or two) and is a Hotwife. It’s neither of our first marriages. We met in a 12 step meeting; we’re each more than a decade sober now. If you’re curious about how this all works, we talk about our relationship in varying degrees of depth in other posts. We have an email address listed in our “about” page if you would like to contact us.

Kate is a quintessential late 80’s early 90’s party girl. Being slutty as the day is long is included in that vibe. She wears it like everything else in her life, very comfortably and easily.

She’s a petite blonde, with an adorable open face that oozes mischievousness when she smiles. She’s blessed to be decidedly top heavy; not Dolly Parton range, but boob wise she 100% punches above her weight class. She looks her best fresh faced and with a pony tail IMO.

Kate isn’t a Vogue glamor cover girl, more Meg Ryan. She has an infectious energy and has a way of capturing whatever room it is she walks into. Listen to “Cheap Sunglasses” by ZZ Top, she’s described in the second verse. East coast strut tho, not west.

It’s always an adventure going grocery shopping with her; a side effect of living in the same few square miles her whole life. It’s expected that we’ll turn down an aisle at some point and she’ll whisper “I fucked him” in my ear. We joke that the line “she was loved by many” should be in her obit when that time comes. There won’t be much argument about that.

A truism we’ve become at peace with is that if you’re going to give someone the space to be or do something, ya damn well better be prepared for when they do that thing. (Read that again, maybe two or three extra times if you’re going down the Hotwife path with your wife.) I gave the naturally promiscuous woman I married the space to be as slutty as she pleases. In yet another non plot twist, Kate likes that space, and uses it.

We do what works for us, individually, and as a couple; it’s fair, not equitable. That Kate likes to go out and fuck or date other people and I don’t doesn’t mean anything more than just that. We’re two different people. We communicate, express our wants needs and desires, and work with each other to make them happen.

We don’t keep score or live that way; that’s a one-way ticket to Shitshowville. Kate having solo sex with a guy (or girl) doesn’t trigger “I gotta get mine now” in me. Neither of us feel like we’re being taken advantage of by the other, or taking advantage of the other. Kate and I are different people with different and complementary needs. If there’s a secret to our success as a couple that’s it right there. We’ve recognized that we’re different and so long as our needs are being met, (and we’re going about it as decent human beings) it just doesn’t matter what our relationship looks like or is labeled as.

Our marriage doesn’t fit nicely into a tidy, clearly labeled box. Honestly, how many do? One weekend we’re at a nudist resort, the next Kate is out for the night, the week after that who knows. Maybe one of us has to work, or there’s a family get together at a sibling’s place, travel to visit kids; there’s no rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes we stay home and do projects around the house. Sometimes one or more labels overlap, sometimes not.

Kate felt at times like she should have been a guy. “I was a snake. I’d fuck your husband, your husband, and your boyfriend” said Kate, pointing to 3 imaginary women sitting in the room with us. “Then do your hair the next day.” Her sexual appetites were something she had to figure out on her own; she didn’t know any girls or women who were like her in this regard. There were no podcasts, “The Ethical Slut” hadn’t been published yet. So, she paid monogamy it’s lip service, and the person she is came out sideways.

I maintain that Kate being non-monogamous is an orientation, not a choice; it’s just who she is. I’m sure we all know someone (male or female) who’s been slutty since 1st grade. Kate’s one. She remembers being 4 and a neighborhood boy pushing her belly button; Kate’s response was to pull down her pants. The parents were all in the other room drinking. So….should you ever cross paths with Kate, give her belly button a push!!!!

Having the space in our relationship for Kate to be her true sexual self fills my tank. There’s more than enough sexual energy from Kate to support the two of us as well as her lovers. It’s the opposite of a scarcity mindset.

With Kate, and many women, it’s an abundance. I’m not losing a damn thing when she’s off with a lover. Yes, there are times in our relationship where the non-monogamy is kind of one way. This is a feature, not a bug. Knowing yourself and your partner is vital, Hotwifing is for sure not a space for everyone. Neither is NASCAR or gardening.

There’s a meme out there that says “Boyfriends fuck different than husbands”. I’d argue that wives fuck their boyfriends different too.

I’m pretty close to as big a fan of Kate being a Hotwife as she is. For me, that part goes back to being able to give her what I cant give her. James, for example, has a physicality that I just don’t. He’s a VERY fit guy, closer in height to Kate than I am, and not to put too fine a point on it, he’s well hung. Kate “Loves to fuck him”. If you’re in the lifestyle in any way, why not strive to have great sex??? Kate and James have GREAT sex.

So what’s the difference between Kate now and all those years ago? Well, the E part of ENM. She’s above board with me, there’s no part of her being a Hotwife that’s in the shade. Sure, I don’t know all the deets of her relationships with others, nor should I. They’re her business. We’ve tried me being in the know about every last detail, and it was a mess. She trusts me to not freak out, and I trust her to keep me in the loop and always keep our relationship as the center around which her others revolve.

Kate has the space to decide who she plays with, and when that happens. We deconflict schedules and make sure that each of our needs as they pertain to our relationship are met.

This, as far as I can tell, is one of the biggest reasons we as a couple are as successful as we are at this, if success is a thing that can be measured. We’re always touching base with each other, talking about stuff, and talking about it again. We’ve found that each situation is different, and despite the conversations being about basically the same things, they’re always fresh and useful.

We’ve learned to roll with it. When….not if, when…..there’s a hiccup with how either of us are doing with something, it’s not a show stopper. We’re patient with each other as we process our individual headspace.

Another way this works for me is typically as a bolt from the blue. The shower turns out to be fertile ground for bolts….not sure way….anyway….I realized in the shower at some point that every aspect of Kates personality involves giving to other people.

I’ve said in here before that she excels at humaning and has a natural empathy. Her entire working life has involved being intimate, be it physically or mentally / spiritually, often all of the above. Sexually, she’s a pleaser; she gets off on her partner getting off. Her being promiscuous and a slut isn’t about her taking; it’s about her giving. Let the giver give.

Dan Savage, of the Savage Lovecast said “I’m not against monogamous relationships, but sometimes I think one of the things that can deaden erotically a monogamous relationship is that you look at your spouse and you think, uh, there’s the reason I can’t, rather than there’s the reason I can.”

I’ll take being the reason Kate can say yes.

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate