Same Tools, Different Packaging

Cuckolding Is Still Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)

There’s good energy at Casa Da Sam & Kate today.

After a spring that was full of all manner of stuff, it seems we’ve turned the page on a very busy and full few months.

The biggie is that Kate is now an officially certified meditation instructor!! I’m not going to get overly into the deets of the how’s and why’s; if you’re interested, by all means drop and email, she’d love to tell you about it. The course was a fairly big commitment for both of us; several full weekends that wrapped up last night. We talked about the commitment at length beforehand, we were both on board for it. It wasn’t a silky smooth process, there was a good bit of heavy lifting on Kate’s part, and the class did inject a layer of stress into our lives at times. All that said, the juice was worth the squeeze.

The other big Kate development (it’s all about Kate after all) is she got promoted and started a new role at work. The Universe, never without a macabre sense of humor, saw fit for her new gig to start the same week as the meditation course did. Suffice to say, this wasn’t involved in our planning calculus when Kate signed up for the class back in January I think it was. Well, Kate has taken to the new role like a duck to water. The learning curve wasn’t as steep as we thought it might be, and Kate being a natural informal leader and the solid human that she is adjusted to becoming a formal leader in stride.

Of course neither of those things took place in a vacuum. There was all manner of springtime things that come along with Casa Da Sam & Kate being on a couple acres in the woods. Grandkids a couple or 3 nights a week. Dealing with whatever fresh hell the tornado like lovable force of disruption and destruction that Billie is. For the record, the main entry in Billie’s log of mayhem yesterday was diarrhea. Thank god for hardwood floors downstairs. Getting vehicles inspected, re-arranging financial stuff, trying new TikTok recipes, kid drama, sobriety network people drama, squirrels in the bird seed, stubbed toes and laundry. Fortunately For Kate, I’m a beacon of calm rationality and always make every situation better…..

So here we are, staring at summer almost with the same eyes as the grandkids, who finished the school year last Thursday. We’ve got exactly 3 weekends with plans between now and September. One is a a family gathering out of state. One is a TBD-date cookout we’re going to host with the people we sponsor and our sponsors (a 12 step thing). Finally, a long weekend hotel get together with like minded people, also out of state.

Something that I suspect most people who’ve spent any time in the broader ENM would agree with is how people tend to treat cuckolding as if it’s somehow fundamentally different than every other flavor of ethical non-monogamy. I’ve seen it over time via email and comments from posts here, on Reddit, in clubs, at parties, everywhere.

It’s not.

Well, OK, it is and it isn’t. The cuck-o-sphere has its own vibe, and much like the BDSM / kink communities, that vibe doesn’t always mesh well with swinger land or poly village.

The aesthetics are different. The language is different. The internet has certainly done its part to make sure the stereotypes are different. But when you strip away the labels, memes, Reddit arguments, and whatever nonsense the algorithm is serving up this week, the underlying skills required to make a healthy cuckold relationship work look remarkably similar to the skills required to make any successful ENM relationship work. The chief reason for this is because they’re the same skills.

If anything, and yes, there’s some ego at play I suspect, cuckolding is ENM on hard mode. Maybe more from the cuck side, but Kate has had her struggles for sure. This isn’t because it’s more an extreme thing, tho it can be taken there. Rather, it shines a spotlight onto parts of us and our relationships, different and deeper from broader ENM; spotlights that we’re even less comfortable looking at. Masculinity comes into play. A woman’s sexual autonomy as well. Interracial aspects are common and leaned into. A big part of that discomfort stems from the conditioning we’re all poisoned by. The conditioning a cuckold couple has to get over is in addition to the “basic” hurdles you’ve gotta clear when swinging can be significant.

Of course a biggie is that we had to adjust to our marriage being one way open. In theory, we’ve not ruled swinging out of the equation, but it’s not on either of our radar either. I’ve never had much interest in pursuing solo stuff with other women. Being intentional with our shift to hotwifing and cuckolding just works for us.

Kate and I came to cuckolding via a different path than the majority of couples / wives / husbands / cucks / bulls / whomever we’ve spoken with. We drifted in from swinger land, with a side of Kate having solo play; Kate’s why we’re here, not me. Our first adventure in ENM wasn’t ours per se, it was Kate solo being with another woman. We leaned into the ENM world early and often. We drew on our recovery experience and used that kindof as a guideline. Moreover, we used the plain spoken and honest way of communication that 12 step programs are about and end up being built into your core after a while. We looked for things like “The Ethical Slut”, and the “Normalizing Non-Monogamy” podcast. Finally, neither of us had to force anything. Seeing multiple people is as much a part of Kate as breathing, being sexually submissive and differential to women is right up my alley.

Many of the newer couples we’ve spoken with entered cuckolding before they ever explored broader ENM concepts.

Pressure doesn’t create character; it reveals it. Put another way, if I squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out. If I squeeze a lemon, lemon juice comes out. The pressure of the squeeze doesn’t create what’s inside, it reveals it.

Ethical non-monogamy has a funny way of squeezing people. Cuckolding is a firmer squeeze for sure. The squeeze on a couple jumping in from vanilla to the deep end of cuckolding has a lot more pressure on much bigger pieces of fruit. Without the foundation of being grounded in ENM principles, what’s squeezed from the lemon (subtle-ish Zeppelinism there) is represented by the Mcauly Caulkin hands on face scream in “Home Alone.”

Suddenly the things they’ve been carrying around for years show up in high definition. Fear. Insecurity. Jealousy. Neediness. Abandonment issues. Ego. Validation seeking. That’s just the ENM side of the street. Layer on the conflicted masculine conditioning that cucks have to process, the added stigmas and shame for both mixed with the much more intense sexual urges that cuckolding brings out, and you’ve got yourself a helluva big matzo ball to process. Oh, BTW, it’s all new, it’s all for the first time, and you have zero idea that it was going to pop up at all, much less any thoughts of how to process it. The cucks are consumed with a sexual detonation they’re not prepared for, and don’t have any skills to deal with.

The vast majority of new to cuckolding people I’ve talked to, and I’ve talked to a bunch, well into the hundreds at this point, have had the keyboard equivalent of a blank stare when I mention ENM.

I’d love to see more of the community start to emphasize the ENM piece to new cuckold couples. There’s no shortage of explaining power dynamics mixed with borderline subtle manipulation by people who’ve been around. Guys, I’m looking at you, you know it’s you I’m talking to. Every guy / bull / dom I’ve spoken to has a desire for a long term cuckold couple. Well, the way to get new people to long term status is to be more upfront with the relationship / ENM stuff and less focused on what happens and how it happens when clothes come off. Success is built slowly and patiently, with honest vulnerable conversations on the couch and in a coffee shop. Anyone can fuck or get fucked for a night or two, let’s stop thinking with our little heads and give newbies information that can help them grow.

Speaking of growth, the website has been updated a little bit. I’ve enlisted ChatGPT to help with the nightmare that is WordPress. Honestly, as an interface, WordPress is an excellent refrigerator. ….Anyway. There’s now a “Start Here” link at the top of every page. This takes you to 10 posts that we feel are a good introduction to us. The “Home” link takes to the site home page. “About” should be self explanatory. If you’re reading the site on a phone, as it stands right now you’ll have hamburgers at the top of the page that open to the start here, home, and about pages. I’ve got a couple other ideas that ChatGPT will guide me thru over time.

That’s it for now, hope you’re well!!!

Thanks for reading!! Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate