Start Looking For Lifestyle Events

One bit of data both Kate and I enjoy keeping current is her body count.  I have a file that keeps track of the names, rough dates, and rough locations.  It’s not as creepy as it sounds.  The “list” is a text file, chronological with first names, and a word or two.  “Sam – Buffalo Weekend” is as far as it goes. It’s very accurate for the time we’ve been together.  Before us is a little bit fuzzy and we both are pretty sure there are names that aren’t on the list and may well have been lost to time.  Kate’s at 114 men as of this writing; women are a bit fuzzier but I’m sure that’s at least in the 20’s.  

Of those 114, 61 are since we’ve been a couple. Keep with me here. 

Of those 61, 16 have been directly from meeting on one of the sites; roughly a quarter.  The remaining 3/4 of the time, the first direct contact has been face to face.  

I have no idea how many couples and single men I’ve talked to on the various lifestyle sites over the years.  If I had to guess, it would be north of 2K, probably a good bit north of that. Two thousand (+) online contacts, 16 either swinging or hotwife encounters.  A 0.8% “success” rate.  

Face to face meets that ended up with conversations beyond “hi, how are you?” at whatever event, call it 250 (that’s the most pulled out of my ass number in this post). So, 250 face to face meets, 45 swinging or hotwifing encounters.  An 18% “success” rate. Well, that’s not all the way accurate, I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve been in lifestyle spaces and no play happened.  I’d need both hands and some toes to count the number of face to face encounters that resulted in Kate playing with more than one guy.  

The dirty little secret?  90% or more of the face to face meets were found in the calendar sections of various lifestyle sites. 

If you’re a hotwife or cuckold couple trying to figure out how to meet people in the lifestyle, our experience suggests that searching individual profiles isn’t the best use of your time. The lifestyle sites have been much more useful to us as a way to find events, parties and the people who organize them. That’s ultimately how we built a real-world network.

The TLDR for this post is stop reading individual profiles and use the calendars to find parties and events.  

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Interesting tidbit about finding events and clubs, as well as kindof proof of the above mentioned dirty little secret.  The events at clubs and bigger full on hotel takeovers are all searchable and indexed in Google.  The smaller events; the house and hotel parties aren’t.  If you’re in a decent sized US city, I’d betcha a buck there’s a party or several going on this weekend (whenever this weekend is relative to you reading this) within an hour’s drive. I’d share the same sentiment for Puerto Vallarta, and Verona Italy; I’d assume it’s true in most international cities, I’ve just not experienced them. 

Those events, the house and hotel parties, are mostly going to be found on the sites and word of mouth via the networks you’ll build.  Of the 45 face to face generated swinging encounters, only 7 of them have been via a club or takeover. I’ve tested this with Chat GPT.  He (Kate and I have settled on he for Chat) could find the bigger takeovers and club schedules, but couldn’t see the smaller things that only exist on the sites calendars. 

If you want to enjoy the lifestyle, here’s your sign; use the calendar functions and start building a network. 

Ok, enough numbers.  Well, not really, but lets move away from them for a bit.  

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You and your better half, having just read thru the voluminous and exceedingly well written Sam & Kate archive, have decided that you want some Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) in your lives. You go to one (or more) of the swinger sites, because why look for non-monogamous people on vanilla sites, create an account and start building your profile.  You’ve got perfect pics, and did an excellent job on writing your profile; says who you are without turning into War And Peace. That’s all to the good.  

You jump in with both feet and end up furthering your carpal tunnel syndrome by scouring profile after profile.  You probably get overwhelmed quickly, and do your best to respond to everyone.  Before long it’s clearly unmanageable. You’re window shopping, clicking on the profile that had a pic of the wife wearing the perfect thong, only to find out they wear their politics on their sleeves, live 600 miles away, or whatever.  People are window shopping you as well; you’re stunned at how many dick picks you’ve seen in the last few days.  

It starts to get blurry and fuzzy, you’re looking for the exit, and then the perfect couple reaches out.  They’re the yin to your yang.  You follow the swinger 101 playbook and agree to a coffee date meet and greet. You show up half an hour early and are nervously looking over your shoulder to make sure the police or your next door neighbor aren’t watching you with squinty, judging eyes.  Then, at the appointed time, a couple 10 years older and a couple hundred pounds heavier than their profile let on walk up and introduce themselves.  

Wouldn’t it be great to just walk into a space where everyone is on the same page, looking for the same thing, and you can actually shake hands and kiss cheeks?

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Sure, clubs offer that experience, but a cost and, ehhhh….. not so much. Clubs are great for what they are; they’re clubs. They’re loud and over crowded plus half the people there are only there to socialize while dressed slutty.  Also, it’s probably a safe bet should you meet a couple you’d like to play with, and they want to play with you, all the play rooms will be taken. Believe me, that’s terrible energy, waiting on a room. It could be a great tease, if you could actually hear what each other is saying. Clubs are awesome, clubs are fun, but if you’re looking to play, they’re not the best option.  

Takeovers or lifestyle centric travel can be great; we’ve had amazing experiences with both.  They tend to be fairly significant logistical adventures, and are a once or twice a year thing. Awesome environments, typically there will be plenty of time to socialize with like minded people (100% recommend doing a takeover for just this reason.  Go a day early and don’t rush it) as well as some sort of common play area.  You’ve also got your very own hotel room at the same time if you’d like more privacy.  “Public” and group sex in the common play spaces is an experience not to be missed.  

The logistics can be a thing.  We spent north of 5K (well north) on our Puerto Vallarta trip.  That was a hit, and for us anyway not something that can be done on the reg. Another drawback (that’s also a plus) to travel and destination takeovers is that the crowd will be from all lover the place.  It’s great to meet new and different people, but it’s hard to build a local network with couples who live thousands of miles away.  Finally, the “lifestyle” isn’t our sole vocation.  It fits around our regular lives, not the other way around.  Sam & Kate don’t pay any of Steve and Cathy’s bills, and the mortgage on Casa Da Sam & Kate doesn’t pay itself.  

The clear sweet spot for us has been local (ish) small (ish) parties.  

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The calendar section on SwingLifestyle is called “Hot Date” and this has become our bread and butter.  SLS works for us because we’re in the northeast US. For whatever reason, at least in the states, the lifestyle sites tend to be very regional.  SLS in California doesn’t seem to have the juice it does in PA.  Likewise, Kasidie is big out west, but more sleepy back east.  You’ll have to figure out what’s best for your area.  

Given we’re not specifically looking for couples, and most of the hot dates are from individual couples looking for individual couples, I’ll filter them out to cut the clutter down.  I’ll also open up the search range to 100 miles.  If you’re looking for couples, filter out single men. Make the site work for you. Then, I’ll do my detective work.  

Links to parties will always include who’s organizing them.  I’ll click on their profile to check their vibe.  If it’s someone whose account is 3 months old, and has no certifications / validations, I’ll probably stop right there.  I’m not interested in either Kate or myself being someone’s guinea pig at this point.  If they’ve been around and have some certs, I’ll read them.  I’ll click on the profiles that gave the certs and see their vibe.  Again, it’s detective work at this point.  

At some point, if you’re diligent, you’ll stumble across an event that fits your groove, and aligns with your personal calendar and logistics.  Time to cowboy up, pull on the big boy and big girl underpants, get dressed, and then knock on the appointed door at the appointed time.  Hot Date will show you the path, it’s up to you to walk the path.  

Over time, assuming you show up to commitments you’ve made, and behave like decent human beings, you’ll probably start to get invited to events.  Events that aren’t listed on the calendars.  Private events.  There’s a few party / event organizers who have my cell number, I’ll get texted about upcoming stuff, I don’t really have to go searching any more.  I still do tho…..

A note about expectations and these parties.  They’re different from clubs, takeovers, or couple on couple house parties, which are all social first, and play second.  These events, while 100% having a social component, are play focused.  I’ve never seen anyone overly pressured to play; I have seen guys be very direct after a very short conversation.  This is in bounds, so is saying no.  The expectation is that the women are there to fuck, but not to fuck any specific individual.  It’s 100% crystal clear and understood that intent is NOT consent, and consent is what makes it all work. In other words, it’s expected by all when she walks in that Kate will be fucking someone; it’s her choice who that will or will not be. 

Another point of clarity about the parties. Pay attention to how the party is described. If you’re looking for say a full on cuck experience, that’s not on the menu at “typical” parties. I’ve never felt out of place, but have never shifted into full cuck mode either. You’ve got to read the room as well as the description. If you have questions, reach out to the organizer and ask them. If you show up and the party isn’t what you expected, that’s typically goin to be on you, not the host.

The big caveat to all of this would be to take your time if you’re new.  There’s much merit and lots of positives to going slow and doing the swinger 101 meet on line, dinner date, play date route.  That was the exact path our first adventure together took. Rome wasn’t built in a day, walk before you run, all the things.  

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All’s well at Casa Da Sam & Kate, tho we’re both decidedly freaked out that August is damn near in the rear view.  

Our big news is that we’re back up to 4 Chow Hound Cats.  Harry is a few months old black kitten.  He’s full of piss and vinegar and generally tormenting both of the Wonder Dogs.  Our chief concern will be telling him and one of the other Chow Hound Cats apart as he grows; based on a comparison of the kitten pics, it will be a challenge. 

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Thanks for reading!!!  Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate