How It’s Looked For Us

The first movie I took my now in his late 30’s son to see in the theater was “The Lion King”.  Ben was I think 3 at the time, maybe 4.  Well, suffice to say we were both blown away and emotionally shattered by the experience.  I will never forget (hopefully) his little face looking up to me in the dim theater as Mufassa lay there dead saying to me, his eyes welling with tears, “his Daddy died?.”  Well, Ben’s weren’t the only non dry eyes.  The phrase “circle of life” entered entered our lives that day, and it’s become one of those phrases that’s so ingrained I almost forget from where it came.  

The Circle of Life was in full force last month with Kate and I.  

Our daughter Rachel lost her father in law.  Of course, she and her husband, Ross (comeon….. I had to) being a military couple, this happened right smack in the middle of them PCS’ing.  A PCS or Permanent Change of Station, is what dot mil folks call “moving”.  Pack everything up and move either across the country or to the other side of the world. Always an ever so slightly stressful time, compounded by the passing of Ross’s dad. They pulled it off, moved across the country with 2 toddlers, arranged the funeral, and survived without a pit stop in divorce court.  

Casa Da Sam & Kate has been disrupted in quite possibly the most perfectly us way with the addition of the latest Chow Hound Cat. Number 4 took to his new digs very quickly.  Clifford The Wonder Dog remains slightly suspicious of him, while he and Billie the Wonder Dog have become fast friends and combine to terrorize the household.  Well, in the moments between naps anyway.  Me, being the great thinker than I am, decided introducing a laser pointer to the chaos seemed wise.  This move may have pushed Clifford into the needing prozac stage of life.  

September’s final circle of life moment was the arrival of a bouncing baby granddaughter.  This is a big deal for us. She’s the first of our blended family grandbabies to be born local (ish) since Kate and I have been a couple. The pics of Kate meeting her then 36 hour old granddaughter are maybe the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. Grandkids hit different.  If you know, you know.  If you don’t and you have kids, just you wait. 

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The addition of our granddaughter makes 11 women / girls / females that are in my / our immediate (-ish) family.  My mom, our 3 sisters, 3 daughters, a daughter in law, 2 granddaughters and of course, Kate. While none are college age and exposed to frat parties at this point, nothing in the world today gives me much hope that the granddaughters will never have to deal with shitshows like what’s been exposed at Cornell over the last couple weeks.  

Hopefully I’m wrong and this event at this point in history will end up having a positive impact on the lives the current under 4 year old’s experience.  I’m not expecting much tho.

The statistics say that roughly one in three women will experience some type of sexual assault in their lives.  I know of one in my immediate family group, with a possible second. It’s fucked up to think that odds are there’s a 3rd (at least) that I’m unaware of.  

Kate and I have been beyond fortunate to have experienced soooo much of what having an ethically non-monogamous relationship has to offer. The vast majority of posts here at Sam & Kate tell those stories. What they all have at their very core is consent.  

The “lifestyle” be it swinging, cuckolding, hotwifing, whatever umbrella fits, doesn’t exist without consent. Here’s some examples……

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There we were, at our second swinger house party. While getting a tour of the playroom from the hosts, Kate found herself in a sex swing for the first time.  I wasn’t great about it, I nudged her into it, harder than she would have preferred.  We talked about it, a lesson I learned.  Anyway…There she was, naked as a jaybird, legs spread and any question as to why she was in that state of affairs was put to rest when the hostess approached her with a vibrator. The host, who was naked and hard at the time, asked Kate if it was ok for him to fuck her.  His house, his basement, he asks the naked woman who willingly got into his sex swing for permission.  (ETA, Kate may have been very forward with her consent, but I remember him asking to make sure)

When we were in Puerto Vallarta the first guy Kate played with asked me it was ok for him to play with her.  Well, I told him, that’s her call. He agreed and asked her.  In not much of a plot twist, Kate agreed and they were probably the first two to swing on the trip. That lucky son of a gun got a Kate blowjob in a shower.  Not a motel 6 shower either, a stone, huge shower overlooking the Pacific in a fancy villa.  

Later, still on the PV trip, Kate and I took part in a mini orgy / gang bang / BDSM thing with a few other couples.  The woman at the center of the various flogging and whatever else was going on was clearly ready to fuck, and I asked her before I did so.  

At a different house party, we found ourselves in a hot tub with a few other people.  Kate, in another not quite a plot twist moment, found herself with a cock in each hand, neither of which were mine.  Wasn’t much longer and the 5 or 6 of us were in a playroom on a bed, Kate was (again) naked as a jaybird, and had progressed to blowing both cocks, and was getting ready to get to the main event.  

Well, things went sideways.  I was 100% not comfortable or attracted to one of the guys wives, who he took great pains to tell her take good care of me. This really icked me out and as a result I was clearly not into it.  The guy tossing around the commands managed to lose his boner (such a great late 70’s early 80’s word). The energy in the room had taken a turn and Kate, who had given consent, revoked it about that point. The other guy (3rd guy in the room) was cool as a cucumber, he was ready to go, but accepted Kate’s call without hesitation.  

That’s part and parcel of consent, it’s not static, and can change at the drop of a hat.  Don’t like that or think it’s not fair?  Tough shit.  It’s the way it works.  

We’ve walked into I don’t even know how many hotel parties at this point.  Every last one of them, ALL of them emphasize positive and ongoing consent. We talked about this I think in the last post; Kate walks in it’s expected she’s going to be fucking someone at some point.  Who it happens with and when it happens is 100% in Kate’s court.  

These parties are where I’ve seen consent get it’s murkiest.  I’ve seen a guy or two over the years try to sneak on to a bed when there’s many bodies doing many things.  The poacher has been quickly called out in a loud grotesque military manner.  The people who are invested in these functions, both as participants or organizers, do not tolerate any stuff like that.  

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I’m going to rant for a paragraph or two.

Ask yourself a question.  When you say you need to upgrade the deadbolt at your new house, or you keep that Mossburg in the closet for protection, or you encourage your daughter to carry a whistle, or never be alone, or to always maintain control of thier drinks, are you protecting them from Betty White, Jennifer Lawrence or the hottie from HR?  No.  You’re protecting them from a nameless faceless man.  Period. There’s a reason it’s the boogeyman and not the boogywoman. 

Regardless of anything else, if you’re a penis owner, you’re in the class that the protection industrial complex is designed to protect people from. 

Women are right to think of men in terms of gun safety. 

Rule number one in gun safety is to treat every gun like it’s loaded; rule number one for women has got to be assume you don’t know which men are safe.  If you’re a man and are offended by this, you need to get over it and accept it as truth.  It’s not women who are sexually assaulting a third of women; it’s men. More often than not, it’s not the faceless stranger doing the assaulting, it’s a “trusted” man.  

I’ll go out on an limb and say that each of the 11 women closest to me would rather be in the woods with 7 bears than 7 frat boys.  

Women dressing provocatively isn’t the problem.  Women having a few drinks while dressed provocatively isn’t the problem.  Women showing up at frat parties isn’t the problem.  Women being women isn’t the problem.  Women being flirty and teasing isn’t the problem. A congressional candidate fixing a sign isn’t the problem.  There’s nothing that a woman does that is the problem when it comes to sexual assault and rape. 

If there’s a hundred drunk naked women in a room, none get raped if a man doesn’t show up.  

Guys, we need to collectively be better.   End of rant.

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Casa Da Sam and Kate smells great right now.  We’ve got the remnants of Hurricane Isaias today, it’s been a gloomy rainy dismal day.  Billie, part pit / staffie that she is flat refuses to have anything more than the absolute bare minimum to do with being outside today.  Garbage weather in now mid October means Kate’s cooking something.  Today it’s Lentil soup.  

This is her first go at Lentil soup When I asked about the recipe, she responded in a 100% Kate way: “there ain’t no recipe!!” Well, that’s something that would freak me the fuck out, but Kate’s right at home with.  She’s making it up as she goes, and given how good it smells in here, I strongly suspect it’s gonna be good.  

So, clearly, we’re downshifting a bit.  Neither of us are at the point where we’ll say we’re hanging up our various lifestyle spurs, but we’ve taken our foot off the gas. No major disturbances in the force, just where we are right now. Who’s to say what’s coming around the bend.  That carries over to the blog as well.  I’m certain (well, assuming the world doesn’t blow up or the midterms go to hell in a hand basket) that this isn’t the last Sam & Kate post.  I’m also certain that the cadence has downshifted as well.  

Either way, fuck it, ya get what ya pay for…….

Thanks for reading!!!!  Be kind to yourself and others,

Sam & Kate

(PS, the image is from Wikepida Commons, but I do want to mention it’s from a book written byDr. Betty Martin (with Robyn Dalzen) called “The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent.)